A man squeezes the bar through the crowd. “Come on,” says a bald man in a bright blue suit to him. More than a hundred people are busy chatting in the Amsterdam Café-Restaurant. They are on a drink, organized by the New People Platform (NMLK), where you can register for events with the aim of getting to know new people indeed. The man in the blue suit sticks out his hand to the newcomer. “I’m Martin, and you? Look, “he laughs,” it can go that fast. ”
Some in the café are somewhat awkward. Others recognize each other from earlier events, such as Soleil (“just 40”), who say here “dozens” people know through the NMLK app. She used it since she had to build social contacts again since two relocations – to Belgium and back. She points to a group of people at the bar: “I have sometimes been to the movies with her, and with them I started apekooi.”
For example, NMLK offers a possible solution for a persistent problem: loneliness. According to the final digit From the Central Bureau of Statistics (CBS), one in ten people feels ‘strong’ lonely. Severe loneliness can lead to fears, insomnia or depression, but also to physical health problems. Dutch and British scientists found last year that loneliness increases the risk of heart disease and dementia. In addition, researchers have been seeing that due to a rich social life the chance of an early death decreases and that friendships are important for one Long -term health. The Dutch government tries to put the problem on the map with consciousness campaigns such as the ‘Week against Loneliness’, but there is no effect on it in the loneliness figures.
Find something that suits you
The CBS makes a distinction between emotional and social loneliness. The first is the feeling of missing a close bond. This plays particularly among young people up to 25 years (almost 14 percent of that group). Anyone who suffers from social loneliness in particular needs more contact. For earlier investigations into loneliness, the emphasis was often on young people with a telephone addiction and single elderly people, but the latest figures show that adults between 35 and 45 years old are most often (18 percent) feel ‘strong’ socially lonely.
Who is socially lonely, does not feel connected to people you can rely on and with whom you can do fun things – a group of friends. That says Anja Machielse, emeritus professor of social resilience at the University of Humanistics in Utrecht, who has been researching loneliness for more than 25 years. “On the one hand you have relationships that are close by, for example your partner, family members or possibly children, but you miss a wider network, a ‘community’ with like -minded people.”
A new friend is not suddenly in front of you
According to Machielse you need both of them. Narrow relationships you need for the deeper connection, chosen relationships are a reflection of those who suit you at that moment, she says. “They give you the feeling that you are part of something.”
In the lives of thirties and forties, many major changes take place that, according to Machielse, have clear consequences for their social network: a relationship break, a move for work to another city, children or the absence of children. In addition, social life has changed considerably in recent decades, through digitization but also, for example, due to desalination, says Machielse. “People are going to live further away, families are less obvious. We live much more individualistic and are therefore more dependent on our chosen relationships. ”
Anne van der Steen also saw that. In the short NPO documentaryAnne (32) is looking for friends She finds out why it is not possible to make new friends and to keep them. Although Van der Steen still sees her old groups of friends as ‘friends’, they ended up in the ‘catch -up phase’, she says in the documentary. “Catching up about lives that you are no longer part of.” Her old friends have children or live in another city. Making new friends is not that easy in adulthood. “A new friend is not suddenly in front of you,” says the filmmaker, so she goes to friends dates. Because it starts with step one: meeting new people.
But how do you do that? Out of an online call fromNRCMany tips came about meeting new friends. Go at a sports club or hobby club, or sign up for the one language lessons you wanted to follow. Join us on group holidays. Are you self -employed: go to a network club. Discover who your neighbors are: join the voluntary waste in the neighborhood or become co-organizer of the street party. Find something that suits you, you will meet like -minded people.
Nynke de Jong (39) went to live in Zwolle six years ago and decided to invite everyone for her birthday, she writes to NRC. But really everyone: “Those were mothers from the schoolyard, but also my hairdresser and singing teacher and their friends.” The app group that was created for that birthday is still in use. “First for cups of coffee, or for a sports or theater buddy. That has grown into an app group with thirty women who share joys and sorrows. ”
There are all kinds of websites, apps and initiatives that can help you on your way in the search for friends. Platform NMLK has been around for more than twenty years, another popular app is Bumble BFF, the friends edition of one of the biggest dating apps. The websites girlfriends online and Mommy Friends are aimed at women and mothers. Expats mainly use apps such as MeetUp and Groupvibe. And “Do you dare with me?” Is for dating and friendships with people with a psychological disability. And there are still countless websites for walking, reading or cooking clubs.
Incentive that requires action
Many people sometimes feel lonely and that is not so bad, says researcher Machielse. In fact: “It is an incentive that requires action.” Just like the feeling of hunger and thirst: it is not nice or fun, but essential. “Your body says you should find a new balance.”
If you let loneliness sleep too long, it is becoming increasingly difficult to break it. It can even become dangerous. “It works like a spiral: you become uncertain, you are ashamed and withdraws more and more. Then depression and fears come around the corner. ” For her research into loneliness, Machielse has visited people who live in full isolation for years. “That is very extreme, but it always starts small.”
“As if you are alone in the world,” says 45-year-old Thessa Brands. A few years ago, Brands put an end to the relationship with her child’s father after 22 years. She also lost her group of friends, about fifteen people she had known for years. Slowly Brands was no longer invited or called back. “I thought my friends would stay. Maybe I was naive, I think afterwards. Were they real friendships? ”
After the break she was alone at home in her new house, her employer had just gone bankrupt. “Loneliness attacked me. I hardly saw anyone next to my child and my parents. ” But Brands picked himself together again. After a tip, she registered with friends online. And after a few somewhat uncomfortable ‘first dates’ – because “that’s how it felt,” says Brands – she got to know women through that way. “I regularly speak to a few of those girls, others have become good friends,” says Brands. “Mission successful.”
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How do you make new friends? And how do you keep them? NRC gives tips