SThe reasons that can lead to dissatisfaction and discomfort at work are endless. From those that concern human relationships and the confrontation with a “toxic” boss or colleague (the term is very fashionable). To those who follow a non-stimulating company climate. Up to the personal and subjective ones, caused at least in part by our attitude can be improved. We tried to take stock with an expert in this field. Nina Dölger, psychologist and coach, founder of Maxim Consulting.
Illness at work, why does it affect women more? Mini guide to deal with it
«It is curious how in Italian the word “employee”, for subordinate worker, is the same as that which indicates someone who lives in one emotional disposition, precisely, of dependence“, He says Dölger, with a joke that hits the nail on the head of a problem. Like when, in a love relationship that is considered established, you move forward by inertia even if you don’t feel well, this can happen at work. «The employee may think he no longer chooses. And to depend on the decisions of others and the position assigned to him. This generates boredom, loss of meaning and confusion. But not choosing to change is also a choice». Thinking about doing it is a starting point.
Between burnout and inadequacy
What form does Italians’ unease at work take? «The main theme is that of overload that generates exhaustion and loss of clarity» explains Dölger. He suffers from the sense of inadequacy compared to expectations and the fear of saying no to requests. «To which is added lo stress of having to make choices: not being physically able to do everything, you have to decide not to do something, and this can be very distressing.”
What to do? Nina Dölger puts some variables on the table, which everyone can evaluate to understand if they concern them. And consequently deal with them. Schematizing a bit, here then the human types, and not surprisingly female, who suffer for work-related issues.
1. When you can’t say no: the ambitious manager
First of all, a striking fact: 100% of Nina Dölger’s private clients are women, and it has been that way for 20 years. She is the classic type of ambitious woman who must survive in a male environment or where a male culture dominates. She often has children but has already overcome the problem of guilt, choosing to invest in work, which amuses and exalts her. The issue of family-work conciliation is rekindled when work loses meaning.
Why do especially women turn to a coach like Nina Dölger? There are three essential reasons. The first is that women They care a lot about what they do, especially if they have reached important positions. They believe it, and invest accordingly, taking on the full burden of responsibility. The second is performance anxiety. The third is the shame of asking for help in the company, to say that they cannot do everything themselves: to avoid what they consider an admission of weakness, they make do on their own, they think about solving everything themselves.
The ability to analyze (problems) is an important skill
Instead, open a negotiation with the boss, returning his doubts and problems to him is a wonderful proof of confidence in one’s own abilities, which include that of objective analysis of the situation. This, of course, if the company is interested in the well-being of its resources. Obviously, if there is no alliance relationship with the company, highlighting the problems appears very risky to the manager.
2. When the company isn’t for us: the dissatisfied employee
Nina Dölger then gives another example of a worker in suffering. Again, she is a woman, who she felt expelled from her company even before being dropped off at home.
Because yes, a company is an organism that expels elements that do not resemble it. And it was the case of this woman, who didn’t “fit” at all with her job. She is scrupulous and so attentive to quality that she can appear to be a control freak. The fast company, dedicated to quantity, a little superficial.
In a case like this, communicating the discomfort to the boss and colleagues is not a solution, because it only confirms the distance.
3. When “everyone is angry with me”: the worker Calimero
There can be a very thin threshold between what happens to us and what we make happen with our attitude. Put another way: some negative situations, literally, we call them. For this reason, in any case, including the desperate ones, talk and discuss the problem it’s important. Otherwise we stop dancing the minuet of conflict with a boss today only to stumble upon, in another company, another minuet that has the same rhythm tomorrow. Putting yourself out there is essential to growing.
That’s the Calimero woman not aware of the power it has over his life: in his personal narrative, he delegates responsibility for what goes wrong and what he suffers to others. Also because, in a context in which the homologation mechanism works, precisely because it does not align it can easily become a target of the group.
Toxic relationships in the office: if the “executioner” is the boss
Is the executioner the boss? It happens: we often hear people say at the same time about the boss that he is a genius and a “bastard”. Maybe it’s true, he is a toxic person: but if the person under him is balanced and solid, he will not fall for the perverse dynamic, he will not become a victim. If he is fragile, probably yes. Of course that too the most solid people can wear out over time, but they usually leave first.
4. When corporate culture is involved: creativity silenced
Then there may be problems that are bigger than us, and also in the relationship with the boss. And the biggest and most widespread problem at the company level, according to Nina Dölger, is the lack of a culture of error: in most Italian situations, stumbling is not accepted and encouraged for learning purposes. But this is widespread closure to experimentationto individual expression, to the manifestation of divergent thinking turns off your energy.
A corollary of this problem is the climate of psychological insecurity, so you are also afraid of expressing an opinion. Maybe because you saw the treatment received from a colleague, you simply decide to remain silent.
Questions to ask yourself when you suffer at work
Faced with a situation of serious dissatisfaction, but in reality in general when starting a new job, one should «understand before making yourself understood», as Stephen Covey said in his The 7 rules of success.
The first question to ask then is: the place I ended up in works, has its own logic, is there any good in it? Are colleagues satisfied? And then I can try to relate, to find my place.
The second: what do they expect from me? While keeping my value clear to myself, I can try to adapt.
The third: What do I gain from changing? What are the opportunities that change holds for me? But this answer depends on our mental state.
From the “fixed” to the “growth” mental state
In general, we all tend towards a balance, even if things in life always make it precarious.
But those who tend towards balance with a fixed mental state will avoid challenges and people will say that life is difficult. Who adopts one mental state of growthas Carol Dweck calls it, will face the changeand also the mistake, as a learning opportunity.
What is work for you? Every answer is legitimate
Another fundamental question to do concerns the value of work for us.
Life, for everyone, is a flower with many petals: affection, health, spirituality… and work. But the meaning of this petal is different for everyone. There are those who understand it as a pure source of sustenance. Who like a place of relation. Who as a vehicle of one status. And who likes a space for creativity and growth. Or as a tool to exercise the candies.
Each of these ways is legitimate and no one, without prejudice to the worker’s commitment during the day, should judge others. Neither the boss nor the colleagues. But awareness is key to have an ecological approach, both to work and to life.
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