‘I have lived backwards’, says Leneke Kieviet (67). At first she lived in luxury, as an ‘expat wife’. After that she lost a lot: her marriage, her house, her money and her job. And now she is back where she grew up, on the South Holland island of Goeree-Overflakkee. Where she just wanted to leave: ‘I still remember the moment. I was 12. I was cycling to school and suddenly it occurred to me: I have to get away from this island, I don’t want to live the life of my family.
‘My mother was a helper for the elderly, my father worked as an ironworker on the Haringvlietdam. He thought the HBS for a girl was ridiculous. All I had to do was work in the office for a while until I got married, didn’t I? But I realized I had one thing that could help me get away, a good brain.
‘At hbs, I was the only working-class child to befriend the daughter of an internist. On their shelves at home I found books by Oriana Fallaci and Simone de Beauvoir, which became my heroes. I insisted on continuing my studies, English. But a dean said: you are not going to win that battle at home, otherwise start with the pedagogical academy. I went to rooms in Middelburg, something they also found completely idiotic at home.’
How did you meet your husband?
‘He was in Zeeland with his student association from Rotterdam. Through a mutual acquaintance I ended up at their party. Not long before that I had Exodus read by Leon Uris and I was totally into Israel. Then this Jewish boy with a big beard walked up to me and I knew: I am going to marry you. Before that I had always said: I am not getting married at all. But when I was 20, it was already so far.
‘I became head of a school in Rotterdam at a young age. That was not self-evident for a woman. But then my husband, who was trained as a chartered accountant, got a job in Aruba. I wasn’t sure at first if I wanted to leave everything behind. But when I visited him during a vacation and observed him in his group of friends, I thought: I have to save my marriage. I had a feeling he was going to have an affair. Then I went too.’
How do you look back on that decision?
‘I’ve never had any regrets. Materially I had a wonderful life. We have had three periods in Aruba, one in Curaçao and the last in Honduras. There we had a house with five bathrooms and live-in help.
‘We have lived intermittently in the Netherlands. But he couldn’t get used to this anymore. I’ve always followed him. Sell house again. Son back from school. I have worked in education everywhere. And I studied law for a while, but I stopped. I didn’t feel like a good mother – now our son was born – not a good student and not a good wife.’
How did you guys break up?
‘We had just settled back in the Netherlands. Here on Flakkee so my parents and our son could have time together. Our son was 14 and fully flourished in high school. Then my husband wanted to flee again. He suffered here. But he was always suffering everywhere, I didn’t realize that then. He was asked for a job in Suriname. I said: I’m not doing it, moving an adolescent is asking for trouble. We negotiated it in such a way that we would go to my husband during the holidays and he would come here once every three months.
‘After six weeks he started an affair in Suriname. And we had laughed ourselves together all those years at all those men chasing their cocks, pardon my french†
“He was trying to get out of child support. I didn’t sleep on it. Then I said: I don’t need alimony and no pension, just put it where the sun never shines† But you pay for our son. He agreed to that.
‘I worked more than a full-time job at a school in Hellevoetsluis to be able to buy the house where I still live and to secure my pension. That work got me through it.’
There is a newspaper clipping in your toilet. You were unfairly fired by that school.
‘A member of the Supervisory Board wanted to become a director. That is not allowed, so I said something about that as a member of the participation council. Then I had to get out. I didn’t see it coming at all. Five weeks before the dismissal, I had had an extremely positive performance appraisal. The dismissal was also quashed up to the highest administrative court. I’m still litigating for compensation.
‘I miss contact with colleagues and students, my whole world fell away. I found that a more difficult moment than the divorce or when my son left home. My social life is not very rich right now. I was once in love. But when he turned out to be terminally ill, he ended the affair because he didn’t want to do that to me. I was so sad, I thought: I won’t start again.
‘I also feel free living alone. And satisfied. If I don’t feel like cooking, I don’t. And that the hair flakes of the dog swirl on the floor, too bad. I’ve been alone on vacation ten times. I’ve learned to count my blessings.’
As a girl you wanted to be independent, yet your man determined a lot of your life.
‘When I leaf through my shelf of feminist books, I think: I haven’t put it into practice. My only guideline was my husband’s well-being. I think because of my upbringing.
‘But I was there myself, wasn’t it? And it’s not for nothing that I have all those pictures on the wall of the countries where I have lived. When we got divorced, I thanked my ex-husband for the experiences. Even though I suffered in my marriage, he has fulfilled for me what I had envisioned as a girl on a bicycle: I’m leaving here.’