By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
Many letters on the topics of lust and passion reach us every week. And sometimes these questions also revolve around education and enlightenment, as in this case. A reader is unsure what advice to give her daughter for the first time.
Jennifer from Teltow writes: “My daughter has just turned 14 and the topic of love and sex is very popular among her classmates. The other day she asked me when she would be old enough for the first time. Of course I answered her that she shouldn’t rush anything and take her time. Apparently she doesn’t have a boyfriend at the moment.
Of course I would like to take up the topic again in more detail with her. But I don’t really know what age is advisable nowadays, why she should pay attention (condoms alone might not be enough). What is your professional advice to me as a mother?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “The first time is something very special. Almost everyone can remember when, where and with whom it happened.
The sexual development of their own child is also a very exciting time for parents, because it is very difficult to say in general how much communication a child wants and needs beforehand. Likewise, the time when you are really ready for this experience cannot be estimated from the outside. Even if we as parents would like to have a say in that.
The motto here is definitely: communication and a large portion of trust. My personal opinion is that our children are ready to take this step if they are mature enough to talk about this topic almost without shame and deal with their responsibility in this regard.
And that is exactly what is a big challenge for many adolescents, because they are often ashamed of their questions. That’s why it’s incredibly important to convey to young people that there are no wrong questions. As parents, we can only reinforce this by taking every question very seriously and never saying: ‘You’re still too young for that.’
If a child deals with a certain topic, this is an unmistakable sign that it is no longer too young for it. Even if we as parents are sometimes not ready for it ourselves. It’s not about that, it’s about the development phase in which our child needs support.
It doesn’t matter whether our offspring is 14, 15 or 16 years old. Mental maturity is crucial for this. We certainly agree that both parties should be ready for the first time and nothing is done to please the other or to belong anywhere.
Having the first time with someone you love, in whom you already have a strong trust and who has also been with you for a while is particularly nice. Very few regret this step afterwards if such a constellation existed.
Dear Jennifer, I think it’s great that you want to continue talking so openly with your daughter. For this exchange, it is important that you first of all listen to what direction your daughter is mainly interested in and that you primarily deal with it in a communicative manner. You can only bring up the topic of contraception later, when your child hasn’t asked about it themselves.
Condoms are the method of choice here. When used correctly, these are very safe and are the only contraceptives that not only protect against sexually transmitted diseases, but also against pregnancy. It is therefore important that the use of a condom should be tried out several times beforehand. If you don’t feel ready for it, you’re not ready for the first time either.
Personally, I’m not a fan of starting hormonal birth control earlier than absolutely necessary (or ever). Also prepare your daughter for the fact that there will be a lot of talk about the first time, but usually the first time is not as earth-shatteringly great as everyone thinks or says.
Sex becomes more and more beautiful over time, you have to really arrive at your sexuality first. For many young people, this takes the pressure off that everything has to be perfect or they have to ‘deliver’ or ‘perform’ perfectly.”