I am not an avid SBS 6 viewer, but some statements by the Meilandjes have also reached me. ‘Wines, wines, wines’ is one such, the veni, vidi, vici of the Dutch reality world. But Martien Meiland’s winged ‘don’t call me’ also managed to escape from Chateau Meiland one day and travel into the wide world without his spiritual father. It has since been used in memes, gifs and in the workplace, on sweaters, linen bags and mugs. ‘Don’t call me’ has little to do with calling, but can actually mean anything: leave me alone, don’t interfere anymore, I have better things to do, figure it out.
That ambiguity does not apply to ‘Don’t appen me!’, the Chateau Meiland-inspired slogan that was introduced this week in a government campaign against apps in traffic. For a change, the campaign does not focus on the apping road users themselves, but on those who make their screens light up, while they should actually keep their eyes on the road. Questions about the food? Don’t text me! Are you almost there? Don’t text me! Can you take a quick look at this document? Don’t text me!
Minister Harbers of Infrastructure and Water Management explains the ad on the website of the national government: ‘With the Mono campaign, we want to encourage people not to read or write messages while on the road. That is not always easy. You can help your friends, colleagues or family with that: wait to send that message until you know that the person has arrived safely.’
How this should work in practice is explained in the ad. “Let others know you’re on your way before you leave, so you won’t get distracted.” The only question is who those ‘others’ are. Your entire contact list? Just your mom and your best friend? Do you then also have to let them know that you have arrived and the app ban is no longer in effect? And isn’t that a very cumbersome way to make sure that you, how shall I say, just not look at that damn screen for a moment?
Or are we really out of control anymore? No, say the figures on which the campaign is based. A large proportion of the Dutch also read incoming messages while on the road, especially young people. The generation that turns white at an incoming call seems more afraid of calling than of a pile-up.
And of course the implications for traffic are important, but they are the result of a bigger problem: that we are defenseless against our smartphones and have come to see that as a given. Something we have to work around with all kinds of agreements. If you don’t text me between 11:30 and 1 I won’t text you tonight, deal? We’ve opened the front door to a never-ending stream of notifications and other addictive elements, now try closing it again.
Our dopamine levels and attention span are continuously influenced by targeted ads, clickbait and algorithms that know our deepest secrets, but that’s part of the day, right? And putting that smartphone away cold turkey is not an option, because we also use it as a diary, alarm clock and photo camera, for banking, the weather forecast and to listen to music.
And now we’ve sneaked to the point where the government treats us like addicts. As Anonymous Appers who need a buddy or sponsor to make the right decisions. Perhaps that other Martien Meiland statement is more appropriate: ‘When I think about it, I almost cry.’