AND happened to everyone at least once: we fall in love with a person who is not interested in us. And in addition to managing rejection, you need to come to terms with that part of us that, despite everything, continues to cling to that person thinking maybe he can change his mind, that there’s actually feeling underneath. All motivations, very often absolutely untruthful, which however feed the feeling, preventing us from “going further”.
Unrequited love, why do you cling to this relationship?
That unrequited love causes pain is a fact. Not being reciprocated in your feelings because the other person isn’t interested, she isn’t ready, or she just doesn’t want to commit is not an easy situation to handle. «However, the point of these situations is another: Why can’t you take note of the situation and then let it go? The real problem with unrequited love is that it affects us personallythe fact that we are unable to get out of it for very many reasons,” he explains Carolina Traverso, psychologist and psychotherapist.
Behind this situation, there are in fact two mechanisms connected to each other: the idealization of the other personand the relationship we could have together, and the low personal self-esteem. «Unrequited love is very often based on an idealization mechanism: even if we know very little about the other person, we fall in love with them. But what we love are the ideas we have about her, probably based on reality, but undoubtedly “empowered” by our hopes». This leads us to “hold on” and hope that a real relationship will blossom sooner or later.
Lack of self-esteem, the second element that fuels unrequited love
Low self-esteem is linked to unrequited love. The idea of being loved precisely by the person you have idealized, therefore with many advantages, is a privilege: «In the throes of idealization we tell ourselves that receiving his attention will make us a better human being in our own eyes and to those of others. Consequently a possible disinterest on his part is like a very painful confirmation of our disvalue. The more the value we attribute to ourselves is linked to how others see us, the more rejection becomes a frightening possibility and this is also why sometimes it is easier, even if harmful in the long run, to take refuge in a fantasy world where we are told that sooner or later our impossible love will come true».
Very often at the root of the insistence on unrequited love is the fear of a real relationship: it can happen because maybe you came out very bruised by the previous story, because you didn’t take the necessary time to process the end of the relationship and therefore, projecting yourself into a fake story protects you from possible new suffering and disappointments.
How to get out of unrequited love: 4 behaviors to adopt right now
However, there is a solution to this situation. Or better, four behaviors to start adopting slowly:
1. Distance yourself
«It is essential to start detaching from this context. Not drastically but gradually, so as to get used to the idea. For example, trying to postpone all the times we are tempted to contact that person or go to visit her profile on a social media, and dedicating our attention to something else ».
2. Healing takes time
«A feeling doesn’t disappear on command and letting go of a love or its idea takes time. Getting into conflict with the part of ourselves that still thinks about that person not only doesn’t help heal wounds, but it makes you feel hostage to a feeling you would like to get rid of. It is preferable to acknowledge that you are still attracted to that person or from the idea you have, and if necessary allow yourself to talk about it with a trusted friend. Unrequited love should not be repressed but processed».
3. Take care of yourself
Being kind to yourself is essential but not always easy: «It means dedicating yourself to activities or relationships that make you feel good, without pretending that they replace the absence of that person, but rather with the intention of living life better regardless of the presence or absence of a great love. The worst thing is staying at home drinking alcohol or bingeing in front of the TV: you can try going out, moving your body, seeing friends and perhaps resuming an old hobby or cultivating a new one».
4. Learn to be alone
The temptation of the nail-drive-the-nail is very strong but not productive: «First, it would be better to take care of the parts of us that need to be nourished so as not to fall again into the trap of clinging to an elusive person in the hope that, one day, he will be able to heal our wounds with his presence».
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