‘Transgressive behavior is usually not malicious intent’ | Thijs Launspach

What do you do when something or someone crosses your border? What can you do to guard those boundaries? I was asked the question at a lecture, by someone in the audience. Appropriate, because that’s exactly what happened to me at least three times in the week before.

Case one: the series of emails from people who personally resented me for speaking for a particular organization. They were angry and mortified about what had happened to them in the past, and resented that I was now programmed – so they bombarded me with angry emails for a weekend. Two: a client who tried with a lot of fanfare and bragging to get me to sign a contract that I wasn’t waiting for. And three: in a room where I came to talk about my book, there was a confused, scary man in the front row, who kept shouting through me that I was wrong.

I’d felt it over and over in my gut, then wondered if I was crazy or petty, and finally got angry. But it was only afterwards, when I went for a long walk at the weekend, that I remembered why. Damn, there it was, that border. And so they had surpassed him. Because that’s how you feel where your limit is apparently: because someone waltzes over it.

The question remains: what do you do then? In the vast majority of cases, you can put an old negotiation law into practice: be soft on the people, but hard on the problem. Indicate kindly but firmly what you do not like, without flaring the person in question. “You may not realize it, but I find this unpleasant and would like to ask you to stop.” Cross-border behavior is usually not malicious, but usually comes from carelessness or thoughtlessness.

Unless, of course, you meet someone who does cross-border out of bad will. Someone who takes pleasure in your discomfort, or who likes to play power games. They are rare, but unfortunately, they exist. If you are dealing with such a person, it is important to break contact as soon as possible. Protect yourself and run! Because the best way to guard your boundaries is to make sure that those kinds of people stay far away from them.

Thijs Launspach is a psychologist and stress expert. He is the author of, among others, You are already enough – Mentally healthy in a disturbed world (2022), Werk can also uit (2020) and Fokking Druk (2018).