TO Sometimes it is difficult to admit that your romantic relationship does not work, that you are not happy in your couple, nor are you understood or listened to. In other words, you are not happy and are in a toxic relationship. This is the fundamental yardstick to measure one’s relationship and to understand how healthy it is: “A healthy relationship is not a perfect relationship but it is one where problems and misunderstandings can be discussed and lead to constructive change.” explains Carolina Traverso, psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher.
Toxic relationship VS healthy relationship, what are the differences?
The big differences between the two types of relationship, as the expert explains, are equality and mutual respect. “In a healthy relationship decisions are shared, we feel good together but also when we are physically separated. In those unhealthy, toxic, there is an imbalance: one or both partners want to overrule and prevail over the other, controlling their life. It is not a question of spending a lot of time together but of how it passed; in this type of relationship, for example, communication is very difficult»Explains the psychotherapist.
At the extreme spectrum of unhealthy relationships are those where abuse prevails, particularly psychological or physical violence which leads one partner to be completely subjugated by the other person. Without going to extremes, a relationship is toxic when one’s relationship is in constant danger from what you can say or from behavior that you may have considered wrong by the other person. When there is no tranquility and serenity in being oneself but on the contrary you change because you don’t feel adequate or up to parwhen you always put aside your own interests and feelings and indeed, they are belittled.
How to recognize a toxic relationship: five signs to pay attention to
Going into more detail, the psychotherapist highlighted five behaviors to which particular attention must be paidand when in a relationship:
1. Your feelings and needs take a back seat
This is the first real wake-up call of an unhealthy relationship: “Not only does it happen that they fade into the background or are not recognized but that are even diminished. The problem is magnified because, the more you try to talk about it, the more you are not heard or understood and therefore nothing changes. On the contrary, the other person may be annoyed and react by devaluing or moving away ».
2. When reciprocity is lacking
The other person does not listen and does not pay attention or give attention, does not understand the needs. On the other hand, however, he always demands availability and understanding, otherwise he dismisses and belittles «This is a fundamental alarm bell. Even because leads the person who suffers it to think that they are asking too much and that, after all, it is she who has problems, who cannot be satisfied or appreciate the relationship as it is. But is not so. Even if you think you are in love, the absence of reciprocity is never a good sign and can only lead, over time, to feel more and more exhausted and unhappy ».
3. Confusion and insecurity reign supreme
“Given that everyone can have moments of insecurity, in a healthy relationship, however, there is no doubt that you are loved. So when you feel like you don’t understand each other’s feelings well, when you wonder if the other person really loves you or not, when you find it hard to understand their behavior, when you never feel fully relaxed and comfortable in his presence and spend a lot of time thinking about all of thisto the point of obsessing, there is something wrong ».
4. Don’t recognize yourself anymore
A healthy relationship gives energy, it doesn’t take it away. Also, there is room for all emotions because there is mutual support, and there takes care of himself and the other serenely. If since you are in a couple, you are always tired, lacking in strength enough to get to no longer take care of yourself, then the relationship is toxic, as the expert explains.
5. When friends and family don’t like the other person either
It happens that relatives and friends do not like your partner or partner. But when more than one loved one begins to point out that you are particularly tired, worried and always anxious, maybe it’s time to start listening to them “At first you can react with anger or suspicion, thinking that there are ulterior motives, or perhaps a little envy. If, however, this is a widespread opinion among friends, it could be a sign that you are living an unhealthy relationship“.
How to get out of an unhealthy relationship
Recognizing that your romantic relationship is probably toxic, what can you do? “Asking for help from a psychologist is a great help. Unfortunately indeed those who live in an abusive relationship or a series of unhealthy relationships tend to forget or blame themselves. Psychotherapy can help get out of the logic of guiltto understand the origins of their insecurities and to make healthier choices over time ”explains the expert.
Mindfulness can also help. In fact, practicing it allows you to become friends with yourself, to be kind, not to be too severe or to blame oneself unnecessarily, but also to question oneself to improve oneself. And to recover self-confidence and self-esteem.
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