PIt can happen to everyone to have had an intense friendship, sometimes a little heavy, until it becomes suffocating. Mainly because the other person demands a lot and gives little in return, she is jealous, with a tendency to bullying and victimization. She is in front of a ‘toxic friendship which, as the name itself points out, it slowly tends to poison one’s life and, above all, one’s relationship with oneself.
Toxic friendship, the sketch of an unhealthy relationship
It happens, exactly as in love, that even a friendship is or becomes toxic: «It occurs when a power dynamic is established. The other uses emotions or personal energy to manipulate, uses sarcasm, demeans or even humiliates. The experience of dating a toxic friendship can therefore be one of isolation, guilt, inferiority, embarrassment or even shame» explains the Dr. Roberta De Coppi, Psychologist EMDR Psychotherapist. It echoes her Carolina Traverso, psychologist and psychotherapist «The main characteristic of every toxic friendship is the feeling it produces in those who suffer it: one variable combination of tiredness, guilt and a sense of inadequacy that assaults and invades even when one could list a thousand ways in which one has been a good friend to that person».
But is it easy to realize that you are involved in this type of relationship? “Not always. Especially when it comes to a long-standing friendship one can think that, after all, all relationships have their ups and downs. It’s true, but there are some signs» replies Traverso.
You can become a victim of this type of relationship if you haven’t established a positive one with yourself, like a lack of self-esteem that pushes you to “accept” any kind of attitude from the other person so as not to lose friendship: «If we already have some negative ideas about ourselves it is unlikely that it will not influence our perception of others because it is just like having a pair of glasses with colored lenses, we would see the world of that color» explains De Coppi.
A toxic friendship fuels personal insecurities
Another negative consequence of this relationship is in the relationship we have with ourselves. Indeed, if it is true that toxic friendship finds fertile ground if one has a tendency to be insecure, it is equally true that all of this is strongly fueled by this relationship: «For better or for worse relationships are very influential on our mind so dating someone who puts us downdevalues us, does not pay attention to us or makes us uncomfortable ha heavy repercussions also on ideas as well as emotions. You end up feeling confused and no longer believing in yourself. A true friendship is recognized because it helps to bring out the best version of oneself» explains Roberta de Coppi.
How to recognize a toxic friendship
If falling for it can be easy, recognizing that a friendship isn’t exactly healthy isn’t hard. The experts highlighted 7 points to keep in mind:
1. Lack of boundaries
“Even when they are clearly communicated, boundaries are not respected. A classic example is the friend who wants to see you and doesn’t accept that you have another commitment, she insists that you cancel it and, if you don’t, she tries to make you feel guilty or otherwise uncomfortable »explains Traverso.
2. Constant requests
Favours, attentions, moments to always spend together. And if it doesn’t happen, reproaches and guilt. And no matter how available you actually are, it will never be enough for your toxic friend. «Not only that but this kind of people tend to isolate us, to create scorched ground around us. In fact, the toxic person wants to close us in a relationship that does not allow us to understand and compare ourselves with others because this would take over his game» explains Roberta De Coppi.
3. Failure to assume responsibility
«A person who sets friendship toxic always thinks they are right, never questions himself and does not take responsibility for his actions. For her, deep down, it’s always other people’s fault. A clear indication of this functioning is the lack of apologies even when they should have been made, or apologies made but in a bad way and appear superficial or insincere.
4. Instrumentalization of suffering
«Each of us goes through difficult moments, but for the “toxic” friend every difficulty or discomfort becomes the pretext for asking for favors and attention. If you decide to set boundaries, clarifying that your availability understandably has limits, the attempt to blame is triggered» explains Traverso. «It should also not be underestimated that with this kind of people one has the feeling of not being able to talk about one’s successes or positive experiences, one feels that they are not on our side, in addition to the fact that having other relationships can even make you feel anxious or guilty because you are not involving them ».
5. Blaming
Toxic people have it tendency always and in any case to devalue and weigh everything you do, regardless.
6. Jealousy
It is a distinctive trait of these people and of these relationships and involves not only the other friendships you have but also your personal successes, any life changes, the commitments that lead to not always and constantly being present.
7. Disrespect
«Those who have this functioning have little concern for the feelings and values of others. He may insist that you say or do things that don’t interest you or make you frankly uncomfortable. And if she fails, she will try to devalue you or make you feel inadequate, making you doubt that you are wrong. Sometimes the “toxic” friend is hypercompetitive and gossipy and generates a lot of tension in the groups she attends which, precisely for this reason, tend after a while to want to exclude it. Clearly, when it happens, the “toxic” friend says she doesn’t understand why and she feels like a victim ».
Getting out of a toxic friendship
Yes, it is possible to get out of it as long as one also begins to do a personal analysis trying to assume one’s responsibilities: «It is important to start wondering why and what has been done to nurture this kind of relationship. Behind accepting such a wearing and harmful relationship there is often our personal insecurity. You think you can’t get better or you question yourself too much believing you have to be good at all costs, to the detriment of the need to take care of yourself. There is also often difficulty communicating one’s boundaries clearly because we rely too much on the other to respect them and too little on the need to put the necessary boundaries on ourselves» explains Carolina Traverso.
When a relationship makes you feel uncomfortable with yourself, it’s not good and therefore it’s good to talk about it, especially if you care about the other person: «Talking about it becomes fundamental. However, this does not eliminate the influence that that relationship has had in any case and above all it doesn’t eliminate the possibility of dating this one again, especially if you haven’t changed your attitude towards yourself. This is why it’s essential to take the time to get to know each other a little more and build a relationship with yourself that is aware and understanding; the compassionate attitude must also be extended to that part of us that has stumbled into a toxic friendship, it is useless to denigrate ourselves if we have given in to a relationship of this kind» specifies De Coppi.
Obviously, if despite the clarifications, the person refuses to question himself, perhaps responding with victimizing or accusing tones, it is good to ask yourself seriously if we want to maintain the friendshipTraverso concludes.
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