Lor we have said many times, yet we still fall for it. Always the same way, always the same person. It is not an affront or an attitude that is too serious and that is why we continue to tolerate it. From the colleague who shouts while talking on the phone, to the neighbor who leaves his bike in the wrong place in the yard. To the partner who doesn’t close the sugar bowl every time he uses sugar. For the sake of a quiet life, so as not to have to argue every time, they tolerate each other certain attitudes which, however, in the long run are annoying. And the more time passes, the more the annoyance grows. With what effects? Not positive, neither for us nor for others.
Tolerating can suffocate in the long run
“The tolerance they are those things that you tolerate even if you don’t want to. However, since they don’t do too much harm, or at least that’s what people think, we continue to swallow them” explains Francesca Zampone relationship coach in Milan. The problem is that the more you swallow them, the more they “come back up”!
«Tolerating something that we don’t like or that really bothers us in the long run causes what happens to cats when they swallow a lot of hair by licking themselves: a lump forms and in the end the cat vomits» exemplifies Zampone who is also the founder of the school of coaching and trainingAcademy of Happiness.
Tolerance is one thing, putting up with abuse is another
If you don’t suffer from accepting an attitude, so be it. But it’s important be honest with yourself, because sometimes we tell ourselves that situations are good for us, but inside us we know that it’s not true. Or it’s no longer true. In fact, it may happen that an attitude, a way of doing things is tolerated for a while, but in the long run it can become unbearable.
It doesn’t just depend on the context, but also more simply by age or by the relationship that binds us to the people around us. For example, tolerating a small child leaving the bathroom dirty is one thing, accepting the same attitude from a roommate becomes more difficult. Especially if this gesture is not an occasional oversight. «Regardless of the type of relationship, be it emotional, friendly or work-related, we have the right to be comfortableOf live the relationship to the full without gray areas due to aspects that create discomfort, if not downright pain” clarifies the coach.
The tolerance can cause rejection
Like the kitten that gets sick if it swallows too much fur, we too risk having a reaction of rejection and then simply tolerating indefinitely, by forcing ourselves to sketch, inhale sharply and say “Omhh” so as not to respond badly. «It risks exploding, out of the blue, maybe after years of accepting something even banal, we have an exaggerated reaction to what may seem like a trivial thing to others” explains the coach. The reaction, in fact, is not proportionate to the behavior, but to the time and times that we have suffered it without saying anything. So what to do?
Often, to be able to tolerate certain situations again, you need to make a lot of effort to stay calm. (Getty Images)
First of all, don’t tolerate everything anymore
We know it. Our inner self knows this even better than we do. So why don’t we become aware of it? Out of fear, perhaps, that something might change? So as not to break unstable balances based precisely on our silent but painful acceptance? Regardless of the motivation that is not up to coaching to investigate, but perhaps to a good therapist, what is important is learn to recognize what really bothers us.
«There is no need to pass judgment on certain things attitudes or things that are no longer tolerable for us, but simply list them, precisely by writing the list of what we are tired of having to endure” suggests the coach. The fact that they make us feel bad or make us nervous is enough to justify ending up on the list. because let’s not forget that we all have the right to live a happy life, or at least a full one. Not based on endurance, but on satisfaction.
Starting to “throw away” is already a start
Once you have made a list of everything you no longer want to tolerate, or even just the attitudes we want to put a stop to, we must choose where to start. And really start eliminating something. «Just tell yourself honestly what you still want to endure, at least for a while and what we have now reached the end of point of no return» suggests the coach.
You can choose to delete them first tolerance which are more annoying or which we are sure will get worse in the future. Or you can decide to eliminate one a month, perhaps starting from the most concrete. And so the old uncomfortable sofa finally ends up in landfill, after years of putting up with the discomfort of sitting where we have the right to be as comfortable as possible.
A practical exercise that everyone can do
Of course sending mother-in-law & Co. to landfill. It’s more difficult, but you can definitely get started put some stakes. «Stopping those who make us feel bad is the first step to defuse dynamics that can become explosive» explains the coach. “How to do? For example, telling everyone that the specific one you meet a person for a maximum of one hour a week». And then respecting this rule which in fact is not only useful for our balance. But it is functional to everyone’s survival, harmony as a couple first and foremost.
Sometimes it is enough to set “boundaries” so that certain attitudes disappear or change on their own. Other times not. But in this last case we can always disappear from the range of action of certain “intolerable” people.
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