By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
How do I talk to my boyfriend about my secret erotic fantasies? How should I confess my infidelity to my wife? Numerous e-mails and letters with intimate questions have reached us again in the past few days. This time it’s about a reader who’s having trouble climaxing.
The reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes: “I’m in my mid-40s, have had a few sexual partners, am sexually open, and now on my second marriage. But I’ve never had an orgasm in intercourse. My second husband is keen to work on it with me. But no matter what we try, it just doesn’t work.
It works well when masturbating with a toy, even several times a week. But I just can’t get through sex, even though I have a lot of fun and desire. What can be the reason? Any tips?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “You describe a topic that more than half of the women in Germany share with you, if you believe current studies. So far, research has assumed that there are mainly psychological reasons why many women remain orgasmless during sex.
But in an American study, the focus is now more on the female anatomy, with the position of the clitoris playing an important role. Depending on the structure and positioning, it may be that the clitoris is not stimulated enough during vaginal intercourse and therefore no orgasm reflex is triggered.
If you take a look at the female and male sex organs in comparison, there are serious differences. The man’s pleasure center is the penis and above all its glans with thousands of nerve endings. During intercourse, the man’s pleasure center is significantly and fully stimulated. For women, the clitoris is the center of pleasure, which is involved much less or sometimes not at all in lovemaking. Depending on the situation, she is not noticed or touched by the pure penetrative traffic.
Every woman is also built very individually, which means that the swelling of the clitoris and its cavernous bodies, which can be clearly felt on the outside of the labia, is not sufficient to experience sufficient stimulation. By the way: According to a recent study, only four percent of women climax through pure vaginal intercourse without any clitoral involvement!
As you can see, dear reader, everything is fine with you and you share your concerns with very, very many women. But what can we do about it? Quite simply: demand your own orgasm, your own lust and the practices associated with it and put much more in the center.
Let’s be honest, we women are still too reserved these days when it comes to fulfilling our own needs in bed. You have described that you almost always have an orgasm when you have solo fun.
Teach your partner the same techniques you use on yourself. Demand what is good for you and your desire. Encourage your partner to familiarize themselves with the practice of yoni massage and that they indulge you with it. We women can and should train ourselves to demand when it comes to sex.
I have had a lot of positive experiences with it in my practice – on both sides. Many men love it when they are confidently (challenged) by a woman in bed.
If you are still unsuccessful, other physical and psychological causes should be clarified.
I hope you enjoy trying it out, your Jana Förster.”