Vladimir Putin: ‘Boris, do you see me well?’
Boris Johnson: ‘Very good. I see a war criminal in the Kremlin on my screen.’
Putin: No jokes now. I didn’t send you this zoom link just for fun. I want to appeal to your decency. You’re rambling. First those arms transports to Ukraine, then that triumphant walk through Kyiv with Zelensky, now that grotesque promise to those ladies in Finland and Sweden to assist them militarily, should I show any transgressive behavior before they are in NATO. That is not fair to a solid informal ally in your fight against the EU and all those Remainers, an ally who gave the Brexit camp plenty of digital help and saved your political life.’
Boris Johnson: “excuse meBut if anyone is no longer allowed to rely on other people’s decency, it’s you. You can explain to the International Criminal Court in The Hague what decency had to do with the bombing of Mariupol.’
Putin: ‘Don’t pretend you don’t understand me Blonde Bombshell. Boris Johnson would not have been Prime Minister of Great Britain without my special operation. Only something as dramatic as a war in Europe could save you from destruction in partygate this winter. As a KGB veteran, I have good intelligence. As the evidence of illegal lockdown parties piled up, you said out loud, ‘Putin, invade Ukraine quickly, only then will they let me down!’ When the net closed around you and your resignation seemed a matter of days, you shouted: ‘Vladimir, don’t leave me!’ On February 24, you sighed, “Whew, he shouldn’t have waited a day longer.” I had barely saved you when I got a stench for thanks.’
Johnson: “Okay KGB sir, I’m willing to admit that phrases like that flowed out of my mouth. I have also acknowledged that there have been some feasts at 10 Downing Street which should not have been celebrated, as I have also fathered some children who should not have been fathered. I’ve paid a £50 fine for violating UK corona rules, I’m not going to compensate you for anything. You didn’t invade Ukraine to save my premiership, did you? It’s a side effect that makes me now become the Churchill of our time. Suppose Hitler had called Churchill in 1940, “Be thankful that you are becoming a great statesman thanks to me!” That would have been laughable.’
Putin: ‘That comparison is wrong, Boris. Contrary to my habit, let me try to be honest. Then I have to admit that there are some similarities between Poetler and Hitler, such as bottled up resentment, using young men as cannon fodder, and portraying people as vermin. However, the similarities between you and Churchill are scarce. Churchill had his flaws, but he was one who thought and brooded and struggled with himself. With you, you can’t think of it so embarrassing or you let yourself get away with it. Churchill could be ashamed of himself. Your sense of shame is that of a partying fraternity ball. Just ask the mothers of your children and your ex-allies.’
Johnson: “Just wait until they rename a street in Kyiv Boris Johnson Boulevard.”
Putin: ‘Just wait until the Scots and the Welsh declare independence and you can’t stop them because they get nuclear weapons from me. Then you are no longer the Prime Minister of Great Britain but of Little England. Maybe tomorrow I’ll decide to send a nuclear missile towards Londongrad, then you won’t be prime minister of anything anymore.’