Theo Maassen is very annoyed by Arjen Lubach’s crest. He thinks that the VPRO star is desperately trying to mask his beginning baldness. “Can you put that clipper down?!”
Arjen Lubach is someone who absolutely does not like surprises, but Theo Maassen does not care about that. The comedian was a guest in Arjen’s program De Avondshow last night and started to disrupt things there. “I have a present for you”, was the beginning of a rather ominous story.
Wrong direction
The run-up that Theo takes is considerable. “I was thinking: surely one of the highest forms of love is that you are seen, that someone looks at you and really sees you for what you are. I knew I was coming here and that’s why I watched you a lot. I also got very excited about you: I think you’re funny, you’re smart, you’re an honest guy.”
Full of discomfort, Arjen says: “This is going in the wrong direction, I feel this in everything.”
Theo: “I thought: there is also something that I thought… There is also something and I just want to tell you that for once. Something that prevents me from fully embracing you.”
Bubble
Arjen is very nervous about it. “Holy f*ckeroli. Let’s get it over with!“
Theo: “At first I thought: maybe it’s something of mine. That’s often right? If something irritates you. But then I started asking around. I was talking about you. Everyone is just as enthusiastic as I am, but: ‘One thing!’ And basically all the same. Then I thought: that’s the bubble I’m in.”
He continues: “But then I also had contact with editors of yours and they thought so too. And um, well, I also thought: you’re also a goddamn 43-year-old man, you know. I can talk about it a lot, but….”
clippers
Then Theo surprises everyone present by taking a pair of clippers out of his pocket. The audience begins to applaud loudly. Arjen pointing to his hair: “What?! What’s wrong with this?”
Theo: “That’s a good question! Well, you’re a 43-year-old man and it’s getting a bit balding and that’s okay, Arjen. Now there is something else on top of: I do have hair, but it is also a bit of an arrow pointing to your bald head and I think it should be cut off!”
Arjen: “I find the thing terrifying now. No no! I insured it for a lot of money.”
Theo: “But seriously!”
High forehead
Arjen: “No, of course not. It is true… I am the first to joke about my high forehead, everyone around me will agree.”
Theo: “But I don’t joke about it. I want to help you!”
Arjen: “Can you please put that thing away? It’s like sitting here with a loaded gun.”
Theo: “Is it that important to you?”
Arjen: “No, it’s not important at all, it doesn’t matter that much.”
Theo: “It would make for nice television.”
Breivik
Arjen refuses. “Do you know what it is? It will make for fun television tonight, but not for the next few months. The thing is: I thought of it once and to my horror I looked like Anders Breivik afterwards. And nobody wants that. If you want to let a well-known talk show host go through life as a Norwegian terrorist…”
Theo: “Yes, I would!”
Finally, Arjen takes the clippers and throws it towards the audience. At the end of the conversation: “I wanted to ask you a lot more, but you yourself took a lot of time criticizing my appearance.”
Fragment
Theo at Arjen:
