The Volkswagen ID.5 is the ideal car for families and drug dealers

Someone has hung an A4 sheet on a lamppost at a traffic light in the Vinex district on which it is printed: loud noise = small dick. Presumably a local resident whose night’s sleep is regularly disturbed by exhaust noise from accelerating Maseratis, AMGs and Golf GTIs, belonging to the local drug dealer and DJ guild, who use it to set their auditory scent flag in the middle of the night.

These types all have, according to this poster, a small penis. The hope is, of course, that after reading it, the concerned night-obsessed people will scratch their heads and think: damn, now all the neighborhood chicks know that I’m small, I’d rather buy such a quiet electric waggie.

Blik would like to bring the Volkswagen ID.5 to the attention of this group. A fully electric car that accelerates almost as fast as a fourth-hand Maserati Quattroporte (but quietly) and offers a sea of ​​​​space, with countless compartments and hatches in which stash and small arms can be stored. The ideal car for big swinging dicks without a nine-to-five mentality.

By the way, also for mortals with three children plus a dog who want to drive electrically because of the climate and the quite expensive petrol.

For those who think: how is it possible that Volkswagen is launching so many new models in such a short time? The ID.5 is not new. In fact, it is the one and a half year old ID.4 in coupé form. So it could also have been called ID.4 coupé, or ID.4a, but with a new, higher model name it seems as if this is a better version of the 4. That is not the case, only the appearance is different, and then only the rear.

Customers can choose which one they like best, the practicality of both models is comparable, although the ID.5 is only supplied with the pleasantly large 77 kWh battery, which takes the car almost 450 kilometers in the summer. So no more range anxiety.

The owner of an ID.5 will never feel underserved anyway. The car offers a lot of space, a lot of luxury and a mountain of silence. There’s plenty of everything, and yet (we hope DJ Jean isn’t reading this) you never really feel special in this car. You can also read this as a compliment: Volkswagen has made electric driving normal. But something is missing from this car of more than 65 thousand euros (the ID.5 is available from more than 48 thousand euros, also not a popular price). That is the feeling that you have arrived a bit in the future. A feeling that Teslas give you with their giant screen and stripped dashboard. The latest Hyundai’s and Kia’s also know how to create a future atmosphere, partly because of their sometimes outlandish design. And because of the technological discoveries, such as the awe-inspiring charging speed.

This Volkswagen only evokes this wow-we-are-in-the-future feeling with its windshield projection, which is very large (not small so) and the one with three-dimensional arrows that seem projected onto the road shows exactly where to turn. It’s a shame that the navigation and media system is still so miserable two years after its introduction. It’s slow to respond, the speech lady almost never understands what you mean (sometimes she doesn’t even understand herself, because she interrupts herself regularly) and traffic jams are often not spotted, let alone guided around them. Volkswagen, like Tesla, promised to automatically provide its system with new software, and that is now also there, but it has led to little noticeable improvement. As a driver, you can use Apple CarPlay or Android, which works better in all cases, but it still feels like going to a Michelin-starred restaurant and having to bring the wine yourself.

Two years ago, when Volkswagen had just presented its electric line, the customer probably had some compassion for the flawed software, hoping and expecting it to improve. In the meantime, Blik mainly feels disappointment about the lack of progress. How bad that is is personal. For Blik, it would be a reason to opt for a Polestar (which opted for the perfectly functioning Google) or a lightning-fast charging Kia.

Although it must be said that VW’s driving and parking assistance is very good. This is another purchase reason; Neighborhood research by Blik has shown that small dicks difficult to park, given the large number of double-parked BMW M4s and Porsche Cayennes. So move on, guys!