Throughout my professional life, conversation has been the most powerful tool I have had to develop my work. Indispensable in each of the communication processes in which I have participated as a learner, as a teacher, in negotiations and mediations, allowing me through it to build links, relationships and agreements.
It has been and is even more powerful in my personal life, to the point of being convinced that when something is missing in a relationship, we are missing a conversation, in which speaking and listening are intertwined, this being the one that gives meaning and validates the other.
And in these conversational spaces “the words” deserve a special mention. They and their power to share ideas, expand our world, build spaces of peace.
However, as in everything human, lights and shadows coexist and those words that, from tenderness and love, build harmonious and dignified coexistence, in their shadows can destroy, poison, attack, cancel and in extreme cases, be generators of situations of violence in all possible manifestations.
Now, in this communication there is also a particular phenomenon that causes the same effect, creates bridges or destroys and makes it disappear, a phenomenon that we often ignore until we make it invisible and yet its effects are shocking.
That phenomenon is “silence” and its overwhelming power in human relationships and in our own construction as humans.
There is a luminous, dignified silence of peace and creativity that favors and nourishes coexistence and puts love at the center of relationships. It is the one that secludes us to reflect, to give space, to let the other appear, to rethink scenarios, challenges, to observe ourselves from our own vulnerability and that of the other.
It speaks of our emotional maturity and of putting into play and inhabiting the values of respect, humility, love and otherness.
There is another silence, a very powerful weapon in relationships, which is covert manipulation. It is “cut off”, the possibility of conversing voluntarily and with effect is cancelled.
It is the “punishment of silence.” That silence hurts. Makes invisible. Discredit… That silence that screams “You are not important”, “I don’t care about you”, “you are not worth it”, “you don’t deserve”, or at least it is perceived and heard by the person who receives it in this way. That silence that applies to the world of work, of the couple, of relationships, we must learn to distinguish it as violence and declare No, Enough.
I have assisted in several coaching processes with people injured by these behaviors that reveal emotional irresponsibility of the person who exercises it and that causes injuries to the self-esteem and self-esteem of those who perceive and suffer from it.
How do we break this? Each person, each situation and each relationship will surely need different and personalized strategies to prevent or, if desired, rebuild that relationship.
In general terms and from what experience has taught me, I believe that the first step is to be able to observe oneself, understand and recognize that we are facing a bond that requires change and repair for oneself and for the other person who initiates it.
It intimates and invites us to begin a process of rebuilding personal trust, putting into words what happens, talking, speaking from myself, without anger, with empathy and respect, what I feel, what happens to me, I legitimize myself, setting limits, willing and proposing assertive communication, if that valuable space with the other exists from my decision.
If that is not possible, be alert, accept that emotional abuse, ask for help and assistance, make it visible to stop naturalizing it and take care of ourselves, in all spaces of coexistence.
Let’s build together a community free of violence.
by CEDOC
