“At the beginning of June I woke up on a Saturday and realized: hey, I have nothing to do today. That was a tipping point after a period in which my agenda was really overflowing. There is such a statement by Benjamin Franklin: if you want something done, ask a busy person. Ha, there is no quote that could be more applicable to my life than that.
“Last November I was home alone and I was two days late, while I am normally very regular. I thought lightly: let me do a pregnancy test. It turned out to be positive. A shock, because that was not planned at all. The father was no longer in the picture by then; someone I had briefly interacted with a few weeks before. I remember that I called the doctor out of sheer confusion, while that is not really necessary when you discover that you are pregnant. I just didn’t know what to do.
“Finally I called a colleague. She said: Caroline, you are doing well in terms of love for the child and practically you will arrange it. That’s how I ended up just embracing this adventure.
“It soon became clear that the father did not want to play a role in the upbringing. Still, I didn’t doubt whether I wanted to keep it. I have two sisters who both have three children: after having six babies in my arms, I know I can do it. And apart from that, single motherhood strangely enough fits my life. Both my parents are no longer alive. My father died when I was eleven, my mother was already ill then; she had MS, from which she also later died. So I’ve been very self-reliant from an early age. Finally, about the pregnancy, I thought: if the universe wants this to happen, then it apparently had to be.
“When I now think back to the period since then, it is like one daze. A total rollercoaster. I mainly had to arrange a lot of practical matters, with the biggest item on the agenda: finding a new home. At that time I was still living in my rented house of 35 square meters in the heart of Leiden. I couldn’t possibly live there.
“I am also a freelancer: I work as an editor-in-chief for various magazines and TV programmes. So I knew that I would be without income for at least four months. That’s why I immediately started taking odd jobs like crazy to earn money. I worked all evenings and weekends, had to provide the most complicated figures in order to get a mortgage and, of course, was pregnant in between – with everything that comes with it. At that time I felt uncomfortable. I thought: I’m still making my child sick with all that stress.
“When I finally found a house in Oegstgeest and it was arranged financially, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Since then I’ve been in calmer waters, luckily. In retrospect, taking on the extra work was a bit of a panic reaction. Because I have a modest financial buffer to live on, I receive a small amount from my disability insurance and then the self-employed maternity benefit from the government: about 900 euros per month. That’s not enough to get by, but it’s nice that it exists.
“I also have a lot of support from my two sisters: without them I don’t know how I would have done it all. They go along with appointments at the hospital and will soon also help with the care of the baby. My twin sister lives nearby in Leiden. We have agreed that I will live there for about six weeks around the time of delivery. She just likes it, as does her husband who is like a brother to me and their three children aged two, three and five. I think it’s a nice idea that my child will grow up with a kind of brothers and sisters around him.
“Look, normally you have at best two parents, two parents-in-law and a partner who can help. I don’t have all five. So it is a big challenge for me to organize it all anyway. You have to have a network and luckily for me that is my two sisters who both live nearby. They are really worth gold.”
Workaholic
“In terms of work, it makes a difference that I can almost always work from home since corona. This will make it a lot easier for me to bring and pick up my son from daycare. I also hope that because of him my work and private life will be better balanced, because I am quite a workaholic. Also because I like it, but work and private life have been roughly eighty to twenty in the last few years. Something more towards fifty-fifty would be nice.
“Thursday will be my day off. The other four days I work during the day, and then a fifth day in the moments around it. Otherwise I won’t make it financially. You will notice that society is not geared towards single parents: I earn well, but with my fixed costs of a mortgage, the VVE, childcare, the car, et cetera, I don’t make it well. I wouldn’t know how you would do this as a single teacher for example.
“But this story should not become a lamentation, you know. Yes, it’s busy and sometimes tough, but I also fully embrace it. I see this situation as a huge gift and great adventure that will fall into my lap at the age of 37. And since I’ve landed a bit in terms of practical matters, there is also room to philosophize about the beautiful moments that are coming. The image that I will soon be sitting at the table with my twin sister for dinner, with her family and my baby – oh, that makes me very happy when I think about that.
Caroline gave birth to her son Benjamin at the beginning of August.