Qwhen was the last time what did you say “no”? Maybe it’s been days, weeks or months. Because it’s much more likely that you said “yes” instead. For example, replacing a colleague on your day off, going to dinner with friends, inviting at the last moment, even if you had planned to go to the English class. Or you’ve said yes to the endless family lunch even though you would have preferred to spend the day at the park. Or, again, you feel “imprisoned” in a job, in a relationship, in an existential dynamic that seems – apparently – to leave no way out.
Anger, anxiety and frustration. And the same, ineluctable, question that has always been in my head: why can’t we assert ourselves, really do what we want, be assertive or, better, be who we really are? Bruce Springsteen in his most famous song, The Riverhe repeats a sacrosanct truth when he sings: “I come from the bottom of the valley, where, sir, when you are young they raise you to do what your father does”.
Indeed it is so, if there is one thing that we all intuit immediately, without psychology, it is that our problems arise in childhood. We do exactly what has been taught to us. We follow the pattern of the good and judicious person because, ever since we started walking, we have been taught not even to contradict ourselves, to take the “right” steps. To please instead of giving in to selfishness. To follow an imposed social pattern instead of creating our own.
What if, instead, we began to overturn the system of thought? To become a bad person. Yes, exactly, to accept the dark parts and bring them out? After all, even Cinderella – after having adapted to the diktats of her stepmother, she whines and is saved by her fairy, thus finding her Prince. Two recently published books talk about it: the practical guide Become a bad person by Annamaria Carbonaro (Sperling & Kupfer) e How to ally yourself with the “bad” parts of yourself (Raffaello Cortina) by Richard C. Schwartz, a text with a more spiritual value.
Selfishness that does good
Carbonaro entered a crisis during the lockdown. Before that she had been a reliable HR manager. At some point she started not feeling happy anymore. Why there was so much in that painting, a full schedule and a rich family life, but something was missing: her. «I, as a person, what did I really want from life? I couldn’t answer, telling me it cost me mental effort, I didn’t want to be a bad person, to disappoint those close to me. Then I thought: what if instead getting to the most hidden needs was the key? Identifying them, however, meant one thing: to become selfish,” he says. “Acknowledging that you have needs means instead changing your point of view and therefore setting up better relationships: selfishness is the basis of the most sincere altruism, if you will”.
The cornerstone of his thought is that judicious little voice that blocks us and makes us lose opportunities. That little voice that hides our talents, that suffocates desires that press to come out, and who pretends to be our friend by boycotting us. «For example, if I want to be alone, do I become a bad mother, wife or friend? Who defines the rule? What if it was the other way around? What if breaking down inner judgment meant loving yourself more? Then I want to be a really bad person if it frees me from the burden of being perfect at all costs.
To be rebels and deserters
The first step to release our spirit, our “daemon”, to quote the psychoanalyst James Hillman, is move from the role of “heroes” to “defectors”. Where the ending is not happily ever after but the right one for us. The second, and no less important, is the change of language. «Instead of saying “but”, “maybe”, “but”, “yes”, “oh well” and give space to limiting thoughts, we begin to really express our needs» explains Carbonaro who today deals with emotional communication and mentoring.
She is also convinced of this Selene Calloni Williams, founder of shamanic yoga, writer and author of Daimon and Kintsugi (Piemme). «Language is a god, it is a spirit, it has the power of evocation. We evoke what we talk about and if we don’t realize it we become victims of what we say, it takes a lot of attention and awareness because the word creates » she comments. «As for the “desert” part, long live the rebels! What drives us to repress the shadow, our dark spots, is the judgment of the world. But judgment serves to control, to repress happiness. So let’s aim not to oppose resistance and to regain possession of the shadow, not to close the door, to listen and authorize ourselves to the absence of light which is a state to be contemplated, to let vibrate and certainly not to be condemned».
The bad parts of himself
In his book, Richard C.Schwartz invites to ally without excuses even with the truly “darkest” parts of oneself how they can be an addiction, an inner critic, a neurosis or discrediting behavior. His therapeutic thesis is simple: instead of continuing to struggle internally with these emotional demons – which he calls “inner family systems” why not start dealing with them differently?
So he suggests starting to map them, to talk to them, and to take away from them the task they have taken on over the years: that of protecting us. Because, in reality, the exiled parts within us, the burdens and the frozen parts of trauma after all, only aspire to receive attention.
This was confirmed by a famous patient of his, singer Alanis Morrissette, who also signed the introduction. He says he has faced this path to transform his excessive availability and too many work commitments. By “talking” to the many parts of him, from the frustrated to the angry one, she discovered that they only wanted one thing: to be “embraced” and recognized.
What if this was the technique for a happy life?
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