StI’m desperate, my 15 year old son won’t listen to me! He locks himself in his room and refuses to listen to me. He puts the music loud and withdraws. Among other things hateful music that I do not like. How do I make myself heard? How can I talk to him?
Thank you,
a mom
Dr. Laura Peltonen answers
Dr. Laura Peltonen
Dear mother,
it is a problem felt by almost all parents, it is difficult for a teenager to listen to their parents. A study conducted by Stanford University, School of MedicineCalifornia and published on Journal of Neuroscience explains that at some point in a teenager’s brain a synapse that excludes the parental voice. So it’s a scientific certainty that doesn’t listen to you. Not out of a tantrum or hormones or because he doesn’t love you like he used to.
How the teenage brain works
It has also been shown that a teenager’s mood depends on the big changes that take place in his brain and on the relationship events in his life, rather than on his hormones (Kathrine Cohen Kadosh: Plasticity during childhood and adolescence: innovative approaches to investigating neurocognitive development.). So let’s not only blame the hormonal storm and tantrums but let’s try to understand what he thinks, and why he thinks what he thinks. And to understand it we have to make him talk, e shut up us.
Knowing how to listen to teenagers is essential
So my advice, dear Mother, is not to try to make you listen but to listen to him. But really listen to it. To hear it well we must knowing how to welcome, involve, support and be curious. The adolescent knows well how to distinguish a curious and interested question from an anxious question aimed at control. So we have to show genuine interest. Putting aside your own problems, focusing with the will to be useful to our boy. Because every teenager, if he feels welcomed and listened to, speaks up. So let’s ask him about his life, his desires, his thoughts. Of course we must not turn every opportunity for dialogue into a rebuke or sermons on school progress. And that’s the hard part. We should learn to listen to him silently. Even if we think of something very important to say to him just as he is speaking, we try to be silent and let him speak.
That silence that welcomes
Let’s also leave him some silences, let’s not immediately fill his moment of silence with our words, with our advice, let’s wait and let him have time to think and possibly reformulate his thoughts. And when he’s done, always before leaving with advice and suggestions, we should give him back what he said. This is a bit difficult and requires training, but if we get used to tell him “so if I understood correctly you told me that…” and then we say in our own words what we understood from his story. Without judgments. Let your child know that you really listened with interest. This strengthens and improves your relationship. If he feels he can tell you his thoughts about him without fear of being judged or reprimanded, he’s more likely to listen to you too.
Where to start
To get started, try asking him about the music he listens to, what he likes, and why. You can also honestly tell him that you don’t like him, but since he likes you, you’re curious to understand and know more. Maybe a new world will open up for you. Your son’s.
Who is Dr. Laura Peltonen
«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s Humanistic Coaching School, one of the Italian pioneers of coaching. In addition to his school, he also founded theItalian Association of Professional Coaches AICP in which I am an active member. For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen Email [email protected].
iO Woman © REPRODUCTION RESERVED