bhello doctor,
I am writing to ask for help regarding this my daughter, who at 20 should in theory be out of adolescent behaviors however, I confess with my greatest bitterness that every day the situation seems more and more difficult.
A beautiful girl from an early age, but…
She has always been a beautiful girl and also good as a child. Many people praised her beautiful gaze or her smile. The younger sister was so used to the fact that everyone only complimented her older sister that when she once received compliments she almost got annoyed by replying that only her sister was beautiful.
… as a teenager the problems started
Around the age of 14 my daughter was very thin but she began to respond badly and was always angry. Slowly it started to put on weight. The more she told her to be a little careful the more she secretly ate. Three years ago he confessed to us his predisposition towards same-sex relationships. We didn’t make a fuss about it, my husband accepted it thing without problems, but I confess that I had a lot of trouble accepting it and I still suffer from it in silence. In any case, we met her girlfriend, and we accepted the fact that the his happiness comes before our fears of homophobia.
He didn’t wash, he ate too much
Around the age of 18 she began to find it difficult to wash, her hair, her body… By now I’ve gotten to making those screams that make me look crazy, but she does it with difficulty. Sometimes, if I don’t insist, he can even go a week without washing. I don’t know how I could address the problem.
The only thing she does regularly is make up; an hour to make up each time. Greasy hair, stuck to the head, but makeup is never lacking.
With a teenage daughter everything is a battle
I no longer complain about her room all topsy-turvy, clothes everywhere, overflowing wardrobe, but then she always dresses in those two-three things. Anything is a battle. He has been going to university since last year. The relationship with the friend is over. Every now and then she goes out, and that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with it, still hoping that as she grows up she will respond better, love herself more, dress differently.
How to help her?
Sometimes I’m not perfect either (I’ve never been) but I remember her as a child when I was scared seeing her so beautiful and I thought she would be a prey for those around her, but now I wonder why I’m not able to do it see how it is ruining itself.
He doesn’t want to hear about the psychologist.
I know that I did something wrong somewhere too, tell me how I could help you. I rely on his judgment
A mom.
Laura Peltonen’s answer
Dearest Mom,
Thank you for your email. First of all, I tell you that I don’t judge, I would never allow myself to judge you, the my job is only to help those who suffer to find a possible way out from his own suffering, changing perspective.
Parent and teenager: we proceed through mistakes and successes
Being a parent is a beautiful but very difficult job. In a sense, one is always wrong, regardless. But at the same time each parent does his best in the situation in which he lives. And she certainly had to face many challenging situations with her daughter. You certainly do her credit for having accepted, albeit with difficulty but with great love towards her daughter, her homosexuality and having wanted to meet her girlfriend. Unfortunately, not all parents are ready to welcome their children’s girlfriends and boyfriends. Often not even when they are of the opposite sex, but even less if they happen to be of the same sex.
Because he doesn’t care about his physical appearance
What strikes me a lot in his story is the special attention paid to his daughter’s appearance. It makes me think (but be careful I could also be wrong) that maybe your daughter doesn’t care about her appearance because she was noticed only for her beauty as a child and maybe not for anything else. The fact that the little sister is also annoyed tells me that there has been a lot of attention on the physical aspect of her daughter.
He will love himself more
Certainly self-care is very important, it is necessary to explain to teenagers who sometimes neglect themselves, that a minimum of hygiene is necessary, both for themselves and for those around them. She as a caring mother hopes that her daughter will love herself more but then she comes back again to talk about her outward appearance hoping that she will dress differently.
With a teenage daughter, the constant scolding doesn’t help
Apart from the importance of being clean, I would suggest that you not focus on how you dress and the clothes you choose. Perhaps her not caring about her is just a rebellion against the constant attention to the aspect of her that she poses as a mother. Or she could also hide her disappointment with her at the end of her romance in her apparent indifference to her looks (“she doesn’t want any of her from me, so it’s useless for me to worry about myself”). Perhaps hers is one reaction to the discomfort you feel insideor. Definitely i constant reproaches do not help, indeed they have the opposite effect.
Change perspective
Try to deal with your daughter differently (the screams are useless as you have already seen), trying to understand her feelings, what are her passions, her dreams, her ask what would make her happy. AND you try to help her find her way. He doesn’t tell me how the university is going and which faculty she is attending, are these his choices? How is she? Did you choose right? What does he want to be when he grows up? Appreciate it for what it is, and show it to him, he’ll see that it will get better. If her daughter feels appreciated for what is at home, and for what she has inside rather than the outward appearance, she will feel better and perhaps she will begin to take care of, if not the appearance at least the hygiene. The mess in the room is not a drama, it is more important to try to listen to her to understand what is troubling her, what is going through her mind, what feelings she has.
I understand that you would like your daughter to go to a psychologist but your daughter doesn’t want to hear about it. Without taking anything away from the psychologists who do a very important job in treating past traumas and illnesses, perhaps your daughter does not feel ill. Maybe she just needs some support and help from you parents to feel better. Focus attention on her potential, abilities, skills and passions, focusing on her future rather than her future
past, and on his feelings rather than looks. You try to shift the focus away from the physical aspect and try to support her with the intention of helping her become happy. Make yourself available to her, by listening and supporting her.
Dr. Laura Peltonen.
Who is Dr. Laura Peltonen
«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s Humanistic Coaching Schoolone of the Italian pioneers of coaching, and a specialization always from the same school in Teen & Parent Coaching».
For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].
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