Lhe loss of a child is an excruciating pain for every parent. Losing him to suicide, then, can cause unbearable, pervasive, annihilating suffering: How can you move forward after a child kills himself? «Losing a child to suicide is no longer painful, rather it is more difficult – Donna Rocchina, mother of Giulia who took her own life seven years ago, tells iO. – It is more complex to survive due to the feelings of guilt that a person creates for himself. Every day I ask myself, and I will ask myself until the last day of my life, why he didn’t ask me for help.”
Surviving after the suicide of a child
How could I not realize he was so desperate? How could I not see? These are inevitable questions.
«In reality we saw that Giulia was not well, so much so that we asked her if she had bullying problems, if she had discovered she was homosexual, even if she was pregnant. But we couldn’t imagine that she could end up committing suicide. Perhaps the mistake we make is thinking that there must be depression to lead to suicide, but this is not always the case. This was not the case for Giulia. The night before she was joking, she had just bought a new climbing outfit, which was left there with the tag. Giulia was a sportswoman, she loved cinema, reading, she was a normal girl, she had friends, friends.”
Unanswered questions and feelings of guilt
How do you move forward after that?
«Everyone finds their own strategies to move forward, every parent finds their own way to get out of it. Some change their lives completely, others become even more committed to work, I have dedicated myself to The Blue Cup, an association that we founded in his memory, and which deals with prevention for victims of suicide in adolescence. The sense of guilt remains and the emptiness will always remain, but we survive and the suffering finds a different dimension as the years go by.”
Are you angry or do you just feel pain in front of that extreme gesture?
«I never got angry with Giulia, because she was sick, she had this emotional pain so strong that she wasn’t able to express it. Giulia left the note “I don’t know why I’m doing it”. She couldn’t find the words to express her pain, she couldn’t ask for help. I have never been angry with Giulia, I get angry with myself, but not with her. More than anger, I feel frustration when, faced with the suicide of a young person, one prefers not to talk about it, thinking of protecting others, friends. But they have already suffered the trauma of the loss and perhaps talking about it would help them. This frustrates me.”
The loss of a child is an excruciating pain for every parent: but how do you move forward after a child kills himself? (Getty Images)
Ask for help, but from whom?
After your daughter’s suicide, did you ask for help or seek support?
«Yes, we turned to a Turin ASL 3 service designed for major traumas and we were immediately taken care of, the whole family. We started this journey about twenty days later, therefore immediately. I then continued the therapy and still now, 7 years later, I am being treated with antidepressants. This is also a topic that arises for associations like ours, because a suitable therapy path has significant economic costs, which not everyone can afford. In fact, the sessions guaranteed by public services are often not sufficient for such major traumas. And asking for help and support is important, indeed fundamental, in those days.”
How do you get on with your other children?
«No relationship is the same as before. I don’t know exactly what changes, but it’s not the same as before. In addition to having feelings of guilt towards Giulia, I also have them towards my other son, because unfortunately I will never be able to fully enjoy something again. Everyday life returns, but each of us is different inside. We go to work, we start doing things again, we have lunch together, but there is always that emptiness inside us. A part of us died together with them.”
The psychiatrist: «Suicide, a mourning different from all the others»
Mrs. Rocchina found her space by slowly rebuilding it starting from an immense pain but, as she said, nothing is like before: that tear is forever. Everyone relies on the strength they have but sometimes asking for help can be essential to avoid sinking into pain: “Suicide is a unique mourning of its kind, it is a traumatic mourning, mostly unexpected, not foreseen in advance” he explains to iO Donna Maurizio Pompili, Full Professor of Psychiatry at the Sapienza University of Rome and Director of the Complex Psychiatry Operational Unit at the Sant’Andrea University Hospital in Rome. «It leaves indelible marks because those who experience this loss have the clear sensation that the deceased person wanted to distance themselves from them, from the family. It is, therefore, something extremely difficult to conceptualize. Surviving the death of a child by suicide is something very complex and sometimes requires longer processing times, different from those of any other bereavement.”
Beware of mental pain
What drives a teenager to kill himself?
«Suicide is often a multifactorial event, tracing it back to a single cause or explanation is limiting and not very explanatory. Situations often arise in which an adverse mix of conditions undermines the stability of the subject. Even in adolescents there can be a series of characteristics that act simultaneously, destabilizing the individual. Many times these critical issues have accumulated in previous years. Thus an adverse, stressful event currently acts on a reduced quantity of resources on which the individual can count. Then there may be conditions linked to the contingency of the present, problems linked to self-esteem and desperation. Mental pain is the common denominator of all situations that lead to suicide. Mental pain is how much the individual is suffering, what he says to himself, the thoughts, the internal dialogue. How that individual cannot see any other solution other than suicide. But in reality the individual would not want to die, the adolescent would not want to die. He would like to live, assuming that someone is able to alleviate that suffering, that derivative of negative emotions.”
Signs to watch out for
How do you understand that a child is experiencing such torment? What signs, what behaviors can indicate this?
«We need to pay attention to all communications such as “I can’t take it anymore”, “what’s the point of living”, “I’m giving up everything”. These expressions must always be taken into consideration and must lead to the belief that the person is in crisis and must be listened to. Then there are the elements that relate to behavior: sleep, but also anxiety, agitation, irritability: they are all elements linked to the risk of suicide. Or, again, withdrawing from friends, from loved ones, abusing substances, alcohol, engaging in risky activities, giving away dear things. We should create a sort of mapping of these alarm signals, which are not necessarily always present, but, where they occur, can be of help in recognizing the individual in crisis.”
What can you do to prevent it and try to prevent it from happening and what to do if you have the perception that your child might make such a decision?
«We need to be supportive, show closeness, empathize with the suffering of the person who finds himself going through this experience. Don’t give orders, don’t challenge, don’t minimize, don’t be terrified. But have understanding, ask exploratory questions, try to delve deeper into the type of thought, its duration and persistence. This is a way to connect with each other.”
Telephone Friend, always a help
Telephone Friend Italy strives every day to give anyone who needs it the opportunity to express their suffering anonymously, confidentially and free of charge. It receives over 100 thousand requests for help every year and, since 1967, it has offered a free listening ear to anyone who feels loneliness, anguish, sadness, discouragement, anger, discomfort and feels the need to share these emotions or thoughts. Nearly 600 volunteers offer their time and respond:
– on 02 2327 2327, every day from 10.00 to 24.00
– to the chat service, via the WhatsApp number 324 011 7252
– by email, through an anonymous form on the website www.telefonoamico.it
It should always be remembered that:
• Discomfort must never be hidden.
• Don’t think that no one can help you anyway
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
• Suicide can and must be talked about.
iO Donna © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED