THEThe partner puts up a wall and doesn’t want to clarify or solve the problems. And the situation slowly tends to get bigger, without being resolved. Is called stonewalling and is a form of psychological abuse and emotional stonewalling, usually introduced by the constantly repeated phrase “I don’t want to talk about it”; in doing so the partner can appear stronger than us. But only appearance.
Stonewalling, what is it
«Stonewalling means a detail relational behavior which literally consists of “building a stone wall” between oneself and the other» explains the doctor Marisabel Iacopino, Psychologist Stimulus Italy. As the expert explains, this type of attitude, although it can be present in any type of relationship, it seems to occur especially in pair bonds and it can also be a real habit. In this case, at a certain point, one realizes that there are many more things not said by the partner than those expressed and above all that they are not resolved.
«This kind of behavior was identified for the first time by the psychologist John Gottman who highlighted an important fact for sentimental relationships: stonewalling, as well as other similar behaviors, are cascading models of relational dissolution, that is, if implemented at the ‘within the couple’s relationship, they risk, over time, leading to the breakdown of the relationship itself».
Behind stonewalling, the causes of the behavior
Stone walling it can also occur involuntarily or in any case done without malice, perhaps when the person seeks a moment of solitude; but most of the time this is a voluntary attitude. There are many reasons behind it: «Among the possible explanations at the basis of the phenomenon, the most accredited hypothesis is that it could be a defense mechanism, therefore related to discomfort and difficulties experienced by the partner who implements it; in the most serious cases, it is a form of manipulating the outcome of the conversation/discussion. Other times it is an attitude that arises from the relationship itself, perhaps in response to the characteristics of the relationship or not knowing how to handle certain situations».
But how does it manifest itself? There are different types of attitude that are part of this phenomenon: for example, the not being heard when speaking, or the other person leaves the room without speakingor even being denigrated, changing the subject quickly, disinterest or even the to see what one is being told ridiculed, but also pretending nothing happened when trying to make peace. In all these situations, the other person doesn’t communicate or try to do it in a serious and constructive way but builds an invisible wall. It is therefore natural that in the long run the relationship suffers until it crumbles and generates anger, a sense of inadequacy and frustration in the person who suffers it.
How to react to stonewalling
How to behave in these cases? «There is no universal solution, being the origin of the multi-causal phenomenon, however FrIt can represent an important opportunity to stop and reflect on the motivations underlying the establishment of this dynamic. For example, if it is a question of difficulties related to the discomfort of the partner who implements it, it is necessary to understand where this discomfort derives from and why stonewalling is chosen as a way to manage this difficulty: in this case, taking a break from the discussion , leaving a space and being able to approach the experience of the other in an empathetic way could be useful strategies» explains the expert.
«If, on the other hand, the dynamics can be traced back to a progressive distancing and communication difficulties within the couple, remember to be able to count on the help of an expertor that can help to understand how that “wall” was created and how to possibly “break it down”».
If, as the psychologist points out, it is important to understand the reasons behind this behavior by changing one’s point of view and putting oneself in the other’s shoes, however, a clarification must also be made: if this attitude is natural, almost a routine in married life, it would be necessary to ask oneself if one actually wants to continue to suffer certain behaviors, if you think you deserve them and if it’s worth it. Maybe figuring out how to take the situation in hand.
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