It is thirteen years ago that Marianne van Balen then lost her 16-year-old son Thomas. The boy from Roosendaal was bullied at school and put an end to his life. As a high school teacher, Marianne knows all too well how difficult it is to prevent bullying behavior.
We speak Marianne in response to the death of Nina (14) from Helmond. She got out of life on April 1 this year because she was bullied. The girl was accompanied by the school, but the harassment could not be prevented.
As a mother it comes just a little close to Marianne. “When I read something like that, I always think the first to those parents. Because I know what it’s like to experience that,” she says.
Her son Thomas would go to 5 HAVO in 2012, but he was not doing well at school. He was bullied there and lost his friends. He finally put an end to his life. “There are few people who have experienced this and know how difficult it is. That sometimes makes it lonely,” says Marianne.
“As teachers, we often do not know what is going on.”
At the same time, as a teacher, with more than forty years of experience in a secondary school, she knows how stubborn the problem is. Because according to her, a school can never completely prevent that.
“As teachers, we often do not know what is going on. I sometimes ask my own students if bullies are being bullied. But if students say nothing, then you know almost nothing,” she explains. The teacher thinks that children often say nothing because they are afraid of being a click.
At Nina’s school (14) from Helmond it was somewhat known that she was being bullied. The girl was therefore accompanied. But the school did not know everything about the bullying behavior towards Nina. “I believe that immediately,” says Marianne. “I know quite a bit of my students, but not everything for a long time. So much happens in a class, you can’t see everything.”
Schools are required to draw up a safety plan. A plague protocol is often part of that. For example, it says what teachers should do if they signal bullying behavior. “I think almost every school does its best, but is still powerless. A school has only a limited influence.”
There is therefore no standard solution for bullying behavior. Marianne thinks it would help if children reject bullying behavior. “We as adults can say something about it, but in the eyes of children we are not that important. I think you can mainly get a profit from the group around them. But it is difficult to change that.”
“You can hurt a child so much.”
As a mother, Marianne sometimes blames some children for bulling her son so much. As a teacher, she at the same time knows that bullying cannot be easily prevented. “Children grab the one who falls outside the boat and is vulnerable. Thomas happened that I still think they should have happened. You can hurt a child so much. But his suicide is no one to blame. You can’t blame anyone.”
When asked if she has sometimes blamed herself, it remains quiet. “Yes, a lot,” she finally replies. “It is difficult. We have often wondered how this could have happened, in such a family like ours. You never get an answer to that. Could I have prevented it? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t know how. But it’s not easy.”
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