H.year tried in many a write about etiquette for the net, of netiquette (the first official rules are from 1995), but it was not enough, also because, precisely because of the network, the rules have overflowed. In the era of Facebook, Instagram, Zoomthe public is private and vice versa, thanks to the agile work that has imposed video links from living rooms, attics and unlikely basements, therefore etiquette can only be socialcan only take into account the pandemic, masks, obsessions, online fights.
Social etiquette
“It’s at the base a lack of good manners, a dangerous “free all”, if we exclude the English court »complains etiquette coach Myka Meier who built a fortune on the uncertainties of his behavior. (Indeed, it seems that among the reasons for Megan Markle’s escape there were the severe lessons given by Samantha Cohen, known as “the panther”, assistant to the queen).
How little education …
Today no one pays attention to anything, starting with the conversation. Samuele Briatore, president of the Italian Academy of Etiquette, notes how unpleasant the direct question, now usual, is: “Why didn’t you get married?” or “How much do you earn?”. If first non-compliance with a label often overwhelming and perhaps ridiculous (just watch an episode of Bridgerton or and Gilded Age), provided for social exclusion, “Now we are witnessing questionable choices such as posting photos from the delivery room, putting every gesture of the children on Facebook, making public the ultrasound scans and confidences on the horns.”
What will be allowed and what will not
Stefano Bergonzini, professional communicator in Etiquette Social (CDM Edizioni), draws a map of the present making available to all one hundred ideas for the world to come. An example? It will be polite, as well as fair, not to take into account inequalities in wages between men and women for the same position, to give computers to schools, to defend the forests, to avoid waste.
In contemporary rules it is no longer a question of setting the table, placing the napkin, arranging cutlery, sending flowers, receiving. In the future it will be necessary to do things not included (yet) in the manuals: studying acting to speak better (also on video). Put plants everywhere taking into account their carbon footprint on the planet. Gear up for a good Instagram stream with lights, flowers, colors, and make the videochat “cheerful”. Follow fewer celebs and more groups that have social value. Don’t tell lies online by making up a couple of degrees (you risk getting caught) and count to ten before posting opinions that might be embarrassing.
For Bergonzini, the breaking down of the border inside / outside forces us to make new considerations: the video is judgmental, the friends of the chat are, to all intents and purposes, an audience. Good manners border on social ethics. Maybe we don’t invite in the house anymore, but it’s like we do it as soon as we start a video call.
Social etiquette: the art of making conversation
Let’s take smart working, which will remain even when Covid is no longer a daily emergency. Mandatory: «Woe to work in pajamas: it is bad for your image and mental health»Warns Bergonzini. A research, conducted between April and May 2020 by the Woolcock Institute of Medical Research in Sydney on 163 academics, showed that “a higher percentage of people in pajamas during work hours report a decline in mental health compared to those who dress as if they were going to the office ». This is an (almost) private topic, but let’s get to the public.
«Meetings, even digital conferences, have multiplied. And, paradoxically, being heard online is almost more difficult than in person»Explains Bergonzini. «We need to strengthen the voice, modulate it. We need training. The speech must be tried and repeated even ten times. To improve timbre and diction there are courses organized by theaters or associations of actors that also help to improve the approach and posture making it elegant. Remember: Elon Musk is a great actor and Steve Jobs was. “
Who to draw inspiration from
But what models can we follow in times of total deregulation? “The net is useful in this case. We can easily find characters who are inspirational, in style, in competence, in ideas, instead of following the events of the Kardashian clan. We do not really participate in the life of celebs even if we delude ourselves to do so ».
And they don’t always lead by example. We subscribe to the appeal for the social re-education of Will Smith, after the mea culpa for the slap on the stage of the Oscars.
The place of pizza (and of the telephone)
But our times also pose dilemmas in everyday banality. What do you do with the delivery packages ordered for an impromptu dinner with friends?
From Sambonet, a company that produces crockery and cutlery, they heard this question: “Do you plate or eat in the tray / container (some have a certain grace) as we often see in TV series?”. Nooo! Any food deserves dignity, even dragon clouds, pizza and burgers.
And what do you do with your smartphone at the table? In the recent past, keeping him next to him was considered in bad taste. But the sensitivity has changed. We have become possibilists because, as psychologists explain, the mobile phone is, for many, almost an extension of the body. Leaving it for dinner is not acceptable. It is even out of fashion. But better keep it screen down, muted, and please don’t obsessively take pictures of what we’re eating. You can when the dish deserves it.
And how do we deal with voice messages? They should not be listened to at the table, unless it is an emergency. You shouldn’t send them too long either. If we have recorded more than fifteen seconds, we should call. With the old style you are never wrong. Without forgetting the warning of the great sociologist Norbert Elias, author of the fundamental essay The civilization of good manners: “The process of civilization is by no means finished: perhaps posterity will find our finest habits rough and surprising.”
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