Dilemma
The loss of a loved one can result in long-term absenteeism due to illness. Employees who call in sick after the death of a loved one are out of action for an average of 197 days, it appears research by company doctor Suzanne Kreder. Should you therefore encourage employees to return to work as quickly as possible after the loss of a loved one?
No
“You will certainly encounter that attitude among employers,” says clinical psychologist Manu Keirse. In his book Help with loss and grief the emeritus professor gives an example of this. Four weeks after the death of her daughter, a woman returns to her job in a hospital kitchen. “Her boss asks: ‘How are you? Have you gotten over it yet? It’s already been a while. You’ll be busy because we did a lot of dirty work. The harder you have to work, the faster you will forget and get over it.’” The woman stayed home after that day and never showed up for work again.
“Employers often expect people to get back to work quickly,” says project manager Mourning in the Workplace Anneke Scheurink of the CNV trade union. “And sometimes people even think that that is a good thing, to get back into a rhythm. In sectors such as healthcare and education you also see that employees feel enormously responsible, partly because replacement is often difficult.” Returning to work quickly is not without risk: ten percent of workers who have lost a loved one will experience burnout due to the combination of grief and work, according to research by CNV from 2020. According to Scheurink, most employees should therefore mainly slow down the loss of a loved one, not encourage it. “Otherwise you increase the risk that an employee will be absent for a long time.” Mourning is hard work, says Keirse: “It makes you exhausted.” According to Keirse, a manager can help by saying: ‘We realize that you have a double workload. You work and you do mourning work.’ Keirse also advises employers to offer employees in this situation a space where they can temporarily withdraw. According to the emeritus professor, you should not encourage someone who is grieving to return to work, but first just “listen and pay attention. That can actually lead to people returning to work more quickly.” CNV wrote in collaboration with Keirse about how you as an employer can support mourners the guideline ‘How does grief work’.
Yes
According to Keirse, mourning is a social event. “You grieve together. In the coldness of sadness you need warmth and affection.” That is why it can be beneficial to be among colleagues again, provided they act empathetically. That starts with not ignoring the grieving person. For example, Keirse advises picking up the employee from home on the first working day, because the journey to work for the first time can cause a lot of sadness. In his book, Keirse describes how the husband of the above hospital employee is called to the director of the metal company where he works. “He asks him to sit down for a moment, offers him a cup of coffee and says: ‘Coming to work on the first day after what you have been through must be difficult. Tell me.’ He lets him tell his story quietly. And then he asks if he has the feeling that working will be successful. ‘The important thing is that you are already there. If you are unable to maintain the work pace, take a break and take some rest. Ask some colleagues to put down work for a while so that you can have a chat with them. Everyone will understand it.” According to Keirse, this man “has gradually returned to his job.”
Scheurink also emphasizes how important it is to help employees with their return. “That starts with asking: what do you need? How can we support you in this? That can be different for everyone. It can often help to temporarily work more from home, perform other tasks, go home earlier, or start later.”
Healthy grief means that you focus on both your loss and your recovery, says grief psychologist Janske van Eersel of Tilburg University. “Working can also contribute to the latter. It can be nice to have structure and a reason to get up.” However, Van Eersel advises against encouraging employees to return to work quickly after a death: “As soon as a manager says: ‘Just get back to work, that’s good for you’, mourners dig in their heels.” – rightly so.”
So
Pressuring employees to return to work after a death is the best recipe for alienating them. What you can do is listen and ask what someone needs.