Should parents teach their children more ‘good manners’ again?

Father: “I have the impression that children are taught less social skills these days. Approaching an adult, shaking hands, making yourself known by mentioning your name, it seems to be happening less and less. I do see a lot of kids locking themselves in their devices. They also easily cancel an appointment with their smartphones via the app instead of calling neatly. You need that courtesy to get ahead in the world. Precisely such ‘good manners’ can emancipate disadvantaged children, they equalize social relations. Shouldn’t parents teach their children that? And shouldn’t schools pay attention to this if this is not done enough at home?”

Name is known to the editor. (This section is anonymous because difficulties in parenting are sensitive.)

Attention for each other

Bass Delivery: “Etiquette came to a head half a century ago. Formality began to equate to ‘hypocrisy’. It was about everyone being able to be themselves. Then you immediately get to grips with the problem, because a widely supported etiquette also gives the individual in company something to hold on to. Manners act as social glue. Nowadays you often hear someone yell: ‘I’ll do it this way’, and then wave clumsily at everyone at once.

“In addition, there is something beautiful about a greeting. Acknowledging someone for a moment, a short moment of attention is important in society.

“How do you shape that? Shaking hands has been unusual since corona, also because young people have consciously become cautious around the elderly. But we can also show that we notice each other in other ways. Look at it, call the name. There are still many parents who teach their children to be considerate of others, and that is what manners are ultimately for.

“It is also possible to make good agreements about this in the classroom. It is very productive to let children make their own rules because then they are more likely to follow them. How do we want to interact with each other? Shall we shake hands, say ‘good morning’? Teachers can involve the parents through a parent evening, preferably also the people who usually do not come.

“I doubt whether such manners are sufficient to get higher in life. Communication has changed radically as a result of digitization, young people simply no longer use the phone, you can’t stop that, that has its own dynamics.”

Let’s decide

Hessel Newlink: “In Dutch vocational education, these kinds of manners have a place in the curriculum to prepare students for the labor market. More attention is paid to this in vmbo than in gymnasia.

“We also have to pay attention to the context when assessing behavior: a young person who shows little social behavior at school or outside of it can be very common in an internship. This does require young people to be able to switch in behaviour, and there is inequality in that. The school can help students with this, for example: which clothing is appropriate when, which greeting fits where?

“What I think is more important is that more attention is paid in vocational education to the participation of students in the shaping of our society. That they are not only asked to adapt to all kinds of norms, but that they also learn that norms are changeable and that they have a role in this. However, many young people in (V) MBO do not feel that they have any influence on this. You often hear ‘I’m just a pre-vocational secondary education student.’ The real emancipation lies less in etiquette and more in encouraging critical participation among young people.”