C.Hi Ester, my name is Giovanni and I am 38 years old, lately I have been suffering a lot for something that I don’t know how to solve. I have been engaged to a girl for 4 years he loved me but I have never been able to reciprocate, and at the same time I have always tried to do it. She rationally she is the right girl for me, but the heart does not respond. Schematizing and simplifying everything, this is the situation:
POSITIVE THINGS:
– with her I am myself
– we are two simple people and we are similar in the pursuit of simplicity
– we like good or bad doing the same things
– is a good girl, faithful and serious
– he cares a lot about me
– we bonded
– had managed to become my point of reference
– without her I felt lost and alone
– the quarrels did not last long
– the idea of everyday life was similar
– a girl of the family
– I distrust people and she managed to break this barrier even if after quite a while
– has always been herself, with her character strengths and flaws
– over time I have gained respect for her
– when I learned that her heart was no longer for me, it hurt inside me
– I would do everything to try those things that I have listed in the “negative things” and bring them into the “positive things” because I am convinced if if I could try at least one of these things, all the others would have appeared as a result
NEGATIVE THINGS:
– I don’t see her beautiful
– I don’t feel physical attraction
– I don’t feel emotions (even small ones)
– I have no feelings
– I don’t feel satisfied
– I feel miserable
– directly or indirectly he never did anything so that at least one of these things listed could unlock inside me.
Now I wonder, how can I go about having feelings for this person, that rationally he is the right person for mewe are similar, we are simple people and it makes me angry to know that I can’t be happy with her. A big opportunity comes back to me and I run away, but not from her or because I don’t want to take responsibility… I run away from the fact that I don’t want to be unhappy… but with her, if I loved her, it wouldn’t be an unhappy life. What would I give to wake up tomorrow and feel love or the slightest real emotion, I would immediately run to get it back. All this makes me feel very sick, anxiety and daily anguish.
With the hope that you can help me, I thank you in advance for your reply.
Regards, G.
Ester Viola’s answer
Ester Viola
Dear G.,
I appreciate the courage of the shopping list. I also appreciate when you write to me, in the slip of negative things, that terrifying: I don’t see her beautiful. People a so much per kilo, people judged as judged by the fishmonger. I understand perfectly well, it’s called absence of hypocrisy. That is fine. The truth, at least with themselves.
In short: you do not want this and you have the anxiety of not wanting it, because unfortunately it is ugly but it is – it would be – the good one for you.
From the cross that has been able to put on you this girl is the good one for anyone, given the ability not to be wanted, and to want, and to torture even those who do not care about her and see her as nothing special.
Self-diagnosis is correct. What does not enter the head, imagine if it enters the heart. What should we do?
How do others do it? That’s a good question. The more the question is excellent, the greater the chances of finding the answers. More or less like the truth, you stumble inside, you think you have found it, then you go and see better and there are two, three.
In the meantime, to facilitate our analysis, let’s at least divide the world in two
A) the happy ones, without conditions. They just found the right roommate. The ideal couples.
B) Those who are satisfied, masters in self persuasion.
Let’s start with the least interesting, the happy couples. I have a question for you: have you ever seen them? Aside from Instagram, I mean. The happy ones are the great mystery of the social sciences. Are they pretending? Are they serious?
How do you find the right one for us?
Being patient is no guarantee of delivery. Something may or may not come. It does not kill but it does not fortify.
Maybe Godot comes along and you don’t even like him.
How are we to deal with this business of great love, of plan A., G.?
I mean, literature does everything to make us understand. Lila and Lenù, Anna and Kitty. Millions of stories that tell you that there is love for reflection.
Like scarlet fever, you have to go through it.
The useful disposition to prefer peace to romantic shops depends on how much the idea has taken root in your life that love either sends you to the top floor to touch the sky or it isn’t.
Tolstoy (Anna Karenina) wrote that happy marriages exist only by reflection, but “they are something that can be done when one is already mad. It’s like scarlet fever, you have to go through it ”.
We have already said that some are so quick, so practical spirits that they even skip illness: to know that scarlet fever is bad, do I have to take it?
Below you will find the thoughts that at twenty you would have sworn as tables of the law and towards forty they reveal the biggest nonsense of sentimental smuggling.
1) Elective affinities
The legend said that similar souls do well to attract and be close to each other.
If we like the same books, the same TV series, we despise the same people, we vote the same, we like the same posts, we have a good chance.
The problem of believing in elective affinities is that they force you to a demanding theoretical assumption: that humanity is a completely ordered thing and whoever betrays then betrays for a specific reason: the insufficiencies of the other.
You will realize that the natural question is not: “what do these two have in common?”, It is “but what do they still do together?”. The answer is a big boh – they don’t even know it.
Love is the miracle that fills the absence of answers to the question “why insist?”.
2) Some are in pairs because they are satisfied
Ideas are cleared on this point too. With adulthood it turns out that “Being very happy” and “being satisfied” are two countries where nobody lives at all. The anthill in the middle is what we call love.
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