Seven out of ten conflicts that arise in a couple are unsolvableaccording to research by prestigious psychologists Julie and John Gottman, a couple who have dedicated their entire professional lives to investigating romantic relationships. However, therapists remember that successful couples are successful not because they lack conflict but because they communicate to find a way to live with those disagreements. The sexual asymmetry in stable couples (when one of the two has a much greater desire for intimacy than the other) is one of the most frequent problems in specialized consultations.
Doctors and sexologists explain that an unequal desire between two people is never solved with reproaches or pressure.
An unequal desire in the couple is a problem, but it shouldn’t be. “The real setback is that always we tend to quantify desire. Therefore, we associate love with the number of sexual relations. “You can love deeply and have little desire for intimacy,” says the doctor and sexologist. Guillermo González, president of Sedra Family Planning Federation. In his opinion, the solution and prevention lies in something that, at the moment, we do not have: “A good emotional sexual education “Who knows how to help us when difficulties arise.”
“The real problem is that we always tend to quantify desire. Therefore, we associate love with the number of sexual relations. “You can love deeply and have little desire for intimacy.”
Guillermo González, doctor and sexologist
Given the lack of resources to get out of the quagmire, the only option left is to go to therapy. Sexual asymmetry is, in fact, a common problem that is treated in consultation. “Between a 50% and 60% of people who go to couples therapy do so motivated not so much by a lack of desire but by difficulty in reaching agreement” in maintaining intimate encounters, whether due to frequency or the other person’s attitude, explains Veronica Viveroclinical psychologist specialized in sexology.
Pressure and rejection
Asymmetry generates discomfort in both members of the couple. “The person you least want can feel harassed and pressured and the other, ignored and rejected”, emphasizes the psychologist and psychotherapist Máximo Peña, member of the European Institute of Perinatal Mental Health and author of the essay ‘Parenting here and now’.
The expert makes it clear that the Lack of desire has nothing to do with lack of love and attraction. The causes of sexual asymmetry, he adds, can have a physiological origin (for example, that the relationship, for whatever reason, is not pleasant) or be caused by a situation of work or personal stress that makes sex not a priority. “In a stressful situation, the body is on the defensive. “Pleasure, as a vital objective, decreases and we dedicate ourselves more to survival,” the psychotherapist clarifies.
In any case, the cause of sexual asymmetry is almost always multifactorial, whether biological, psychological or the person’s context. “There may also be an illness or a hormonal problem behind it, but there is not always a pathology,” explains Dr. González.
“There is still a lot of myth circulating. It is not true that men are always ready and women are not”
Verónica Vivero, psychologist
Therapists emphasize that asynchrony occurs more frequently in heterosexual couplesbut also in the homosexuals, both men and women. And here there is a change of trend.
Gender does not determine desire
“Years ago we saw that it was almost always women who felt less desire for intimacy. It seemed that men were the eternal desirers and their virility could not be questioned. However, once men have shed the mantle of being great orgasm providers and great lovers, they too It has been discovered that they feel less desire”, explains Dr. González. “There is still a lot of myth circulating. It is not true that men are always ready and women are not,” corroborates psychologist Vivero.
Despite this change in trend, Carole Hoovenauthor of ‘Testosterone’, remembers that Men have 10 times more testosterone than women, a hormone that plays its role in sexual desire, although No Its determinant. Psychologist Peña cites another study carried out in the US during the coronavirus confinement that revealed that 70% of men -compared to 47% of women- wanted to maintain a greater number of relationships sexual.
Pressure, never
Once sexual asynchrony hits a couple, how is it dealt with? First, knowing that there are no culprits here. “Exerting pressure to have sex is a line that should not be crossed,” he says Mamen Jimenez, psychologist, sexologist and author of ‘Contigo. How to have a healthy relationship without myths and with pampering.’ “Relationships that are started due to pressure, because it is necessary or to prevent the other person from getting angry, do not lead to pleasure or enjoyment. They also don’t help you feel like it the next time. Pressure, in the form of comments or snorts, has consequences on mental health,” concludes the communicator.
“Relationships that are started due to pressure, because it is necessary or to prevent the other person from getting angry, do not lead to pleasure or enjoyment. Pressure, in the form of comments or snorting, has consequences on mental health”
Mamen Jiménez, psychologist and sexologist
“Giving in to having sexual relations without desire is counterproductive for both of us,” says psychologist Vivero. It is also counterproductive to fall into reproach and that insecurities appear like “I’m not so attractive to you anymore.” It is important communicate honestly, empathize, treat each other with respect, and listen carefully. “Sex has to be talked about,” recalls the expert.
Vivero explains that the cases with the best prognosis are those in which both members of the couple go to a professional, either psychology or sexology. On other occasions, it is the therapist who notices a problem of sexual asymmetry when he is treating, in most cases, a woman for another previous psychological problem.
Related news
How do you work on sexual asymmetry with the help of a professional? First, explains Peña, seeing if there is also asymmetry in life (in housework, for example) and, above all, strengthening the bond and stopping associating sexual relations with intercourse. “Bodies can communicate in many ways and not only with one penetration or an orgasm”, he emphasizes.
“Desire is worked on, you have to favor the context for it,” adds psychologist Vivero. Peña recommends losing the fear of putting aside family and work obligations and “schedule” an intimate date so that whatever arises arises, whatever the two parts of the couple want. Be a intercourse or hand caressing.