dand divorces that increase and sex that decreases in marriages have been talked about so much that usury has made the news invisible. The release of a new book, erotic intelligence (Solferino), translated into over 30 languages, however, brings it back to the fore: it is the effect of the d-Revolution, where d stands for desire, but not only. «I realized that desire is a central concept of contemporary love and of our individualistic society. It is the first time in the history of mankind let’s try to live sexuality for the long term, not because we want 14 children and not because it is exclusively a woman’s conjugal duty. This is the first time we want a good lasting sexual relationship, in the name of pleasure.”
The poetics of long-term sex
Speaking is the author, Esther Perel, psychotherapist raised in Belgium based in New York. “Questions like: “Because good sex fades away so often, even in couples who continue to love each other like never before?”, “Why doesn’t good intimacy guarantee good sex, contrary to what is believed?”, “What is it about transgression that makes desire so powerful?” and “Why are children born with sex, but their arrival often coincides with erotic disaster?” they are central questions for being together in our society »he adds. And they make the reading of this poetics of sex unmissable, but also the challenge they suggest.
Sex (which is missing) is at the center of a best-selling book that discusses causes and possible solutions (Getty)
Eroticism requires distance
«It is necessary to reconcile, within the relationship, the need for security and that of adventure. It’s hard to feel arousal with the person from whom we expect comfort, but it’s not impossible. Just introduce risk into security. And it can be done by creating a certain distance » she continues. «Eroticism requires separateness because it grows in the space between self and other. It means that in order to build communion with those we love, we cannot experience love as a fusion, as usually happens, but we must be able to tolerate emptiness and its load of uncertainties» adds Perel. Why this objective is difficult to pursue – the essay explains – is justified by the dissolution of the socio-cultural model whereby women are romantic and men are not monogamous (these roles can now be reversed).
The community around us has collapsed, we live far from families, from childhood friends, we are regularly uprooted and transplanted. This discontinuity leads to transferring an almost intolerable existential vulnerability into the relationship. Finally, those traditional institutions (such as the Church) that were a source of order, meaning and social support were also dismantled. We are left with more choices, more freedom and more solitude.
Love as a lifesaver
In the words of the sociologist Anthony Giddens, one has become “ontologically more anxious”: the latent anxiety in relationships is transferred and love is expected, in addition to being a source of emotional support, solidarity and friendship, also to serve as a panacea for existential loneliness. From the partner alone one expects that protection and those emotional ties that were once guaranteed by many social networks.
“And so, in the name of love, we build an intimacy that reassures us but we eliminate otherness: a pity that it is precisely this sense of extraneousness that would instead be necessary in order not to let desire die» underlines Perel.
The Troubles of “Democracy”
«I would eliminate democracy in the bedroom, or the cultural pressures that domesticate sex making it fair, fair and safe, but also very boring. Today’s couples invest in love more than ever before, yet by a cruel twist of fate it is precisely this model of love and marriage that explains the exponential growth of divorces. We therefore need to ask ourselves whether traditional marriage structures can fulfill their task, especially when the expression “until death do us part” covers a life expectancy double that of past centuries. It’s the reason why in therapy I don’t start from the relationship to understand how sex goes as a couple, but from sex to understand everything. The body is the bearer of emotional truths over which words slip easily »she adds.
Of course, not everyone is looking for passion. Some relationships originate in tenderness and care and choose to stay in calm waters because what matters is finding serenity in a lasting bond. Others not. In fact, the world is divided into Romantics (intensity is worth more than stability) and Realists (security is worth more than passion) but both, in the course of the relationship, are disappointed: the difference lies in the importance attributed to the decrease in desire. And this is where her erotic intelligence makes rooma concept coined by Perel.
More sex with erotic intelligence
«The crisis of desire is a crisis of the imagination. Erotic intelligence lies in creating the distance between me and the other, and then filling that space with life. Intelligence is something that can be cultivated, which is why everyone can save marriages» adds Perel. Without fear of challenging sexual and sentimental correctness. The more uncertainty you can tolerate, the more passion you cultivate. It must be said, however, that until the end of the 19th century marriage was on one side and passion, if it ever existed, on the other and therefore trying to recover passion with one’s husband would have sounded like a contradiction. For the first time, the concept of romantic love brought the two spheres together, while it took the feminist revolution of the 1960s to give a central role to sex in marriage, which made sexuality a project of identity. Hence the belief that sexual satisfaction is due.
«The solution lies in “intimacy with yourself”, to be developed as compensation for the couple, which the psychologist Jacques Salomé talks about. It is an image that emphasizes connection with oneself rather than distance from the partner. And so, in our mutual intimacy we should make love, have children, and share physical space and interests» concludes Perel.
The address of the secret garden
Intimacy with oneself corresponds to the “secret garden”. But it can also be physical space. Like Lato D, the first bookshop in Italy dedicated to desire, opened in Milan. Alongside essays and picture books on the body and sexuality, sex toys and events. “Sex toys are also useful for overcoming a couple crisis, which is why I prescribe them as medicines,” says Valérie Tasso, sexologist and author of The Orgasm written in collaboration with Lelo, a brand in the sector.
«What everyone sees only as objects of pleasure are also therapeutic tools because they generate more complicity and trust, they are excellent for non-verbal communication. But most couples have communication problems. That is to say he doesn’t talk about his own sexual tastes, if anything he interprets them or, worse, he takes them for granted. Furthermore, I have come to realize as a therapist, many women have no idea of either their own anatomy or their natural sexual response. We are faced with a paradox: orgasm has become an obsession, the great goal of a relationship. To reach it, immediately, we no longer enjoy the journey. And the same goes for sexuality », she concludes.
There are exceptions. One is Viola Vocichpoet author of Orgasm, (Terreblu) texts which, in the words of Franco Arminio who signs the preface, «talk about sex and recriminations on the “missing sex”. This is a time when talking about sex is difficult in a society that has become bigoted again (…). A vision in which the feminine is always combined with love and instead Viola makes us feel the adjacency of the feminine with sex».
Lose the will
In addition to her verses (raw and never vulgar) the theme is also investigated by Stella Pulpo in Once upon a time there was sex (Feltrinelli): «For a long time I didn’t ask myself what it meant, in the economy of my person, to lose desire» she writes. «We often think of sexuality as an individual theme, at best as a couple, especially when it is problematic. Instead, it would also be worth considering it a collective matter and inscribing it in the matrix of specific anxieties, mandates, rhythms and values of the time. How much do macrophenomena affect? such as professional precariousness, economic difficulties, social injustices, the climate crisis, overexposure to a culture that feeds self-esteem, on our desire? Not a little» reflects Pulpo, who became known with the blog Memories of a Vagina.
The “whys we stop having sex” crowd the book. «The one quoted most often is “there is no time”, which makes us smile a little, if you think that we also have robots that cook us dinner or clean the floors. Another very popular cause is the arrival of offspring. Finally the excuse is “there is a crisis”, with reference to the widespread lack of interest in sex performed with bodies, to which a digital and illusory stimulation is increasingly preferred, which reduces eroticism to an individual and solitary activity. The only remedy for me is to come back desiring, to feel desired. How to do it, however, depends on each of us» he specifies.
Implement erotic resistance
The word desire returns, which should be included in the “vocabulary” created by Pulpo which goes from “Pork“, very fiery and imaginative erotic approach, to “Cobwebism“, which refers to the “cobwebs” that settle after a long abstinence. «To save sex we should give it a new meaning starting from pleasure, the great absence from our lives. We should free ourselves from feelings of guilt and implement “erotic resistance”, a form of disobedience to the system that is anything but violent », she concludes. From intelligence to resistance is a snap. But while you wish, enjoy.
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