THEThe term falling in love underlines the sense of falling and loss of control that love can lead to. And it is precisely the favorite tactic of the serial lover. First she makes you fall in love, or in any case definitely infatuate, then as soon as the situation becomes serious she runs away. An attitude that is usually held above all by men, in reality, women are also serial lovers.
Serial lover, who is it?
It almost looks like a mythological figure, halfway between the serial daterthe one who is only interested in “fast” situations, hit and run and nothing more, and the serial monogamist, that is, the one who is incapable of being alone and always ready to throw himself headlong into a new story. Here, the serial lover stands between one and the other: «The main characteristic of the serial lover is that he is very good at the art of conquest, not only sexual but also and above all emotional, to then run away as soon as he feels that the relationship is getting serious. The aspect not to be underestimated is that unfortunately recognizing a serial lover is not easyboth because he is very skilled and his manipulative skills improve with repetition and because it is objectively difficult, in the initial phase, to understand whether his behaviors are authentic or not” he explains Carolina Traverso, psychologist and psychotherapist.
The serial lover is therefore a good manipulator and, as often happens, practice makes perfect: «However, it should be emphasized that serial lovers they are not necessarily malevolent, some act without being fully aware of their behavior and how much it can hurt the other person. Sure though is that if you are looking for a genuine and maybe even lasting relationship, I’m not the right person».
Serial lover, are you born or made?
Being a serial lover is a form of love addiction, that is, an addiction at the falling in love phase, the validation comes from knowing that the other person is in love with him. And, as often happens, serial lover you become and the cause is to be found in your childhood: «There are two causes: the first is that one or both of the serial lover’s parents put him on a pedestal, developing in him the conviction that everything is granted to him and that love consists precisely in receiving an adoring gaze, from bottom to top. The second – which does not exclude elements of the first – is that in the growth story of the serial lover there have been repeated major emotional abandonments who have convinced him that being yourself is not enough to be loved, that it is better to control than to let go and that the only way to get attention is to become special in the eyes of the other, regardless of the feelings he feels».
Hence a behavior based on the satisfaction of two needs: to check, because the serial lover is basically afraid of the intimacy that a genuine love story brings. On the other, the fear of being rejected. Therefore, the falling in love phase is fundamental because the serial lover feels reassured and appreciated but then runs away: «At the basis of this attitude there is a deep insecurity, which leads to the fear of living an authentic relationship».
From romantic serial lover to the “nice guy”
Precisely because it almost looks like a mythological figure, the serial lover declines in different ways: “The romantic serial lover he launches into breath-taking statements after a few moments of acquaintance, saying that he has feelings never felt before. Then there is the caring serial lover, the man that everyone would like to have, who always has a thousand attentions and cares and it seems that his only purpose in life is to make the other person happy until he changes his mind. And then there’s the classic good boy: very polite, very respectful, he introduces you to friends and makes plans together, but he doesn’t give these signals the weight they should have, because in reality he is absolutely not ready for a long-term relationship”.
The alarm bells to pay attention to
All attitudes, those assumed by the serial lover, which, however, should already give rise to doubts. Big declarations of love, made too quickly, are already a wake-up call. Usually then the serial lover has a tendency to make jealous the other person, just to be sure of the involvement: this too is a behavior that should raise doubts, above all because it underlines a person who is insecure and more focused on getting attention than on building a relationship.
“And then, despite the grand gestures and dizzying declarations, after a short time the serial lover begins to show signs of unreliability. Sometimes she disappears leaving you wondering what could possibly have happened and if anything wrong has been done. And when he comes back and you ask him for an explanation, he often has a good excuse, sometimes even dramatic and a little heartbreaking, so that you can’t help but forgive him. For all these behaviors, it is important to protect yourself, always observe the consistency between words and actions and ask yourself: beyond the declarations, how is this person building the relationship with me in the present? Do I feel like he’s listening to me, that he really wants to get to know me and make himself known and establish real emotional intimacy?’
You also need to keep in mind some key points: the serial lover is a person with little empathy, so they are not suitable for building a healthy relationship. Also, especially if you are insecure, remember that the serial lover is not incapable of loving us, but he is unable to love anyone.
Female serial lover
Although it is an attitude that occurs mainly among men, in reality it can also be used by some women: «Generally they are those women who are very capable of seducing, they too are afraid of intimacy and of being rejected and experience sentimental relationships as a power game. They often bring a more or less constant undercurrent of dissatisfaction into the relationship, which makes the other person move to try to appease them in some way, giving them confirmation of his dedication. One could say that they are women who fall in love for life… until they find something better. And, when this happens, they start off with the devaluation of everything they received from the previous partner».
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