TOface one separation and a divorce it is undoubtedly one of the events that can most leave its mark on life. When you decide to separate, you find yourself not only to deal with emotions such as anger and guiltbut also struggling with many doubts about what the procedure to face will be.
“In my now twenty years of experience in family law, I have had the opportunity to encounter in my office so many sufferings, so many lives changed, broken. I have, often, collected the tears of pain and deliverance of those who have acquired the painful awareness of a failure. My chair is often mistaken for that of a sort of psychotherapist (and maybe sometimes it’s right that it is) […] I listened to stories of hundreds of families, wives, husbands and children. All different and similar at the same time. United by the need to get out of what first it was love and then it became a prison”.
To write these words is Rosa Di Caprio, marriage lawyer who has been involved in family law for over 15 years and who, thanks to his experience, has decided to write a manual dedicated to those who are about to separate. Entitled “Let’s separate and divorce”, the book aims to provide a series of useful information and news for clarify doubts and empower decisions to be made.
Divorce in Italy: what is the situation
recently theIstat disclosed the report “Marriages, civil unions, separations and divorces in 2021”, from which emerges a clear picture of the situation in our country.
«Post covid we have certainly registered a boom in requests for separation, divorces but also of cessation of cohabitation with regulation of child custody – explains Rosa Di Caprio. – To the South the percentage has increased considerably and we have seen a significant demand for separation applications.
In fact, in 2021 there were 34,225 consensual divorces registered with the Courts, a figure that marks a significant increase compared to 2020 when 25,982 were registered. (+31.7%).
The Cartabia reform
The scenario that emerges could be destined to change today also following the Cartabia reformwhich entered into force on March 1st. Based on new legislation you can obtain the separation and divorce with a single procedurewith shorter times. A real advantage for those who want to separate?
«The goal of legislatures is always to speed up appeals and processes – explains the lawyer Di Caprio. – The concern of us insiders at the moment is that probably, due to how it is structured, the reform may not have adequate judicial offices. A large part of the work belongs to us lawyers who must try to push the parties to conclude the separation by mutual consent, in a faster time. However, we must not believe that everything will be faster and easier: there are indeed gods technical times that will be commonly respected».
Divorce: judgment still weighs on women
Beyond the current legislation and what are the innovations introduced, dealing with a separation is never easy. A woman, still today, in fact, he may find himself facing important difficulties.
«The first is certainly of type cultural – explains Rosa DiCaprio. – Even today, especially in the South but not only, the woman who takes the decision to separate is forced to feel the weight of judgment by family and society. She lives the difficulty of having to explain it to the children, he feels the responsibility for the marital crisis as attributable to his choice. From momfeels he has to take responsibility even in front of his children, of decide to stop living together with the father. And it’s not easy.”
Economic difficulties
Added to this is a difficulty of type economic.
«We must emphasize that women are still the economically weakest subject in Italy, in the vast majority of cases – underlines the lawyer again. – And not just when she’s a housewife. As an economically weaker subject, a woman who decides to separate then finds herself being the custodian of her children and a having to manage a whole series of expenses for their maintenance. Often there isn’t even a family background that can support it. Even women victims of violence often don’t ask for help because as well as being victims of physical and psychological violenceundergo a financial violence, with the impossibility of asking for help, in the absence of parents or in any case of a family network that can support them. Ultimately, a woman who decides to separate often collides today with uncertainty and fear for the future his and his children.”
Separation or divorce: the first rule is choosing the right lawyer
In this context, the first aspect not to be overlooked is the choice of lawyer to contact.
«It is essential to contact a professional with extensive experience in family law – suggests the expert. – Therefore, not only a lawyer who has studied legislation and jurisprudential cases, but who has a particular characteristic of listening and intuition. In fact, a lawyer expert in family law also has the ability to understand when it is time to stop the conflict and to find an agreement and when it is the case to go ahead. Not only that: when it comes to separations with minor children, the lawyer must first of all be the lawyer of the children, who have not had the opportunity to choose a professional who will protect them. It is therefore important that the lawyer always reminds the client that the primary interest to be pursued is that of the children and an experienced professional considers this aspect».
Divorce: mistakes to avoid to protect children
It being understood that each story and each family represents a case in itself, when there are gods involved childrenIndeed, separation and divorce become even more delicate processes. Parents, even without wanting to, risk committing errors which can have serious consequences for minors.
«A mistake that couples who separate often tend to make is to confuse the parental plan with the marriage plan – explains Rosa Di Caprio. – The classic example is to think that a husband who has cheated cannot be a good father or that a wife who has cheated is not fit to raise children. The first thing to keep in mind is that one may have been a ‘bad’ husband or a ‘bad’ wife but this it doesn’t automatically mean being bad parents as well».
The involvement of children
Even more serious consequences can have involve children in conflict.
«It is a mistake that can cause enormous damage – confirms the expert. – Children involved in the conflict experience a very great suffering. From experience, I have seen guys involved in conflicting separations that they needed psychological support and who bear the marks of what they have experienced. Keeping children out of conflict should be an essential aspect, unfortunately though it often happens that hatred and anger end up blinding the two partners. For this the lawyer has a fundamental role».
The importance of psychological support
To prevent hatred and anger from taking over, even to the detriment of the children involved, it can often be The support of psychotherapy is very useful.
«When I see that the client, both female and male, during the first meeting with me, has a pain or anger such that it struggles even just to explain the story clearly, I recommend either doing a course of therapy first and then go back to the lawyer or to be assisted in the process of separation by a psychotherapist» – explains the expert again.
Divorce: overcoming the sense of guilt
Contacting a psychotherapist is also important for living the process of separation with the right mental approachovercoming the sense of failure that we often feel.
«In the meantime, it must be said that when feelings of this type are experienced, judicial separation does not help – Rosa Di Caprio specifies again. – The possibility of doing psychotherapy and family mediation courses can instead be very important. Unfortunately it must also be said that there are not many specialists and structures to which couples can turn and they do not always have the professional and technical characteristics capable of solving this type of problem».
There must be no desire for revenge
And when is instead the desire for revenge of one or both partners to dominate?
“You have to know that surely it is not the process that helps to overcome certain emotions, indeed – replies the lawyer. – The parties often have some wrong expectations about the process: they are looking for a way to vent their anger, they are waiting for an answer to their thirst for revenge. by doing so, however, you only end up getting caught up in very lengthy processes and which in any case do not lead to what the person who separates expected. Suffering is never repaid by a sentence, whatever it is. Suffering returns and resurfaces indeed every time a hearing has to be held, every time the lawyer calls to give news. Holding on to the process is a way to suffer more. Closing it, on the contrary, can really mark the possibility of turning the page».
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