NoChristmas is known to be, par excellence, the family celebration moment awaited especially by children also for the possibility it offers them spending time with mom and dad. It goes without saying that for i separated parentsespecially if the separation occurred recently, manage the holiday season with your children can represent a significant challenge.
Family holidays and appointments they often risk becoming battle ground, pretext for making recriminations or venting resentments that have not yet subsided. Generating situations which, if not appropriately managed, end up harming children in particular.
So what are the strategies to implement and mistakes to avoidto make sure the holidays are lived with serenity by both children and adults, even if fresh from separation? We asked the doctor Chiara Vendramini, clinical psychologist, family mediator and President of the GeA Genitori Ancóra ETS Association.
The Christmas period for separated parents
«From the month of October usually one of the topics on which parents in separation, often very conflictual, they want to discuss in the family mediation room is precisely that of Christmas time. How to divide up the days and holidays, who to spend Christmas with and New Year’s Eve with, what to respond to children who ask which address to give to Santa Claus for the delivery of gifts, and so on…” – confirms the psychologist.
Avoid the question “who do you want to spend Christmas with?”
A doubt many parents have is whether it is better to let the children choose who to spend Christmas Day with.
«Adults have to do the adultsit’s up to them to “be in control” and take responsibility for decisions – explains Dr. Vendramini. – It’s important avoid questions which “Who do you want to spend Christmas with?” or “Do you prefer to go with your mother to your grandparents and cousins or come skiing with me?”. Parents have the option to collect the wishes of the children: it’s another to ask them the direct question, placing the responsibility of the decision on the children.”
How to plan children’s holidays
Also plan and divide the days of the Christmas holidays of children very often becomes an object of tension in separated couples. How should programming be managed to preserve everyone’s peace of mind as much as possible?
«Especially if the parents’ separation is recent, it is important to agree on the organization in advance and communicate it to the children, together or separately. What’s important is that the adult always uses the plural “Mother and I thought” , “Dad and I talked about it and decided that..” – recommends the psychologist. – It is equally important ensure children can spend time with each parent a holiday period and being able to see the families of origin, therefore grandparents, uncles and cousins. Furthermore, if they are expected travelit is good to inform the other parent e guarantee contact, even just by telephone, with your children, maybe they agree in advance on phone call times or video call methods”.
Christmas all together: a possible choice?
Some separated couples, just to keep the children happy, decide to stop by anyway Christmas all together. An appropriate choice or a risk?
«There is no formula that works for everyone – clarifies the expert. – If the relationship between the parents is sufficiently peacefulif the “pains” of separation have eased and if conflict is under control, why not spend part of Christmas together? Sharing the moment of opening gifts, a lunch or a board game in the afternoon… However, if you feel like it do not withstand possible tension or if there is a risk that i children are exposed to tensions, clashes or silencethen it is better to have an organization that includes a distinct time».
Introduce the children to the new partner? Better not to do it at Christmas
And in case there is another partner, it is better to avoid official presentations at Christmas…
“L’arrival of a new partner on the scene it is an important moment for both adults and children: it is essential that the moment is “reasoned” by the parents, who share the opportunity, the timing, the method and who are both ready to manage the questions and reactions of their children – underlines Dr. Vendramini. – The presentation is good that never happens without the knowledge of the other parent. Christmas recalls the idea of family, of traditions, of home, therefore, if possible, it would be better to wait for another time of year, or even just wait a few days. It depends a lot on theage of the children and above all from adult projectfor example if a cohabitation is imminent.”
Separated parents: how to behave if children show sadness
Cheerful white mature woman watching black granddaughter squeeze icing onto homemade cookies, sitting at table, concentrating
As much as parents try to protect their children as much as possible, it must be taken into account that at Christmas a child may show signs of sadness linked to the absence of the other parent.
«The watchwords must always be: listen to what the child brings us, even emotionally, welcome him, communicate it and share it with the other parent and with him/her find strategies to deal with the situation – explains the psychologist. – Guarantee the child’saccess the other parent with a video call and making parents feel that they feel and that they don’t experience that sadness as a rejection is fundamental for make the child feel free to express himself without feelings of guilt and conflicts of loyalty.”
Separated parents: no to guilt
Furthermore, to manage the Christmas holidays in the most peaceful way possible, pay attention to certain dynamics.
“It’s important Don’t compete for the most beautiful or expensive gift or to a holiday with the most “exotic” destination – warns the family mediator. – Parents often experience this period trying feelings of guilt for the decision to separatefor not having been able to guarantee their children a family unit and this then affects both the relationship with the children and the relationship with the ex-partner”.
The key role of grandparents
Grandparents but also uncles or relatives in general they can instead play an important role in these situations.
“I’m a very valuable resource for both adults and children because they have the opportunity to guarantee the continuity of relationships and bonds within the wider family, underlining the sense of belonging – concludes the expert. – But it is essential that there are no sides and that, even more so in the presence of children, they do not speak badly of the absent parent, offering instead a space of joy, serenity, listening».
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