c‘is a place where – more than anywhere else – we can’t say “no” and it’s called mobile. We stack there, and only there, the yes to an invitation, the maybe yes to a favor, the silences useful for saying neither yes nor no. And it happens in chat, above all, with messages. And to think that the first time – or rather the first call with a mobile phone (Motorola) – dates back to only fifty years ago. But how did we do it before? That is, one wonders how it used to be that we always said yes despite the thousand no that we actually think. Did we say them out loud? One thing is certain: saying yes is convenient and costs less effort. And maybe we experience it today (more than yesterday).
Say no to the culture of yes
Because the culture of the “yes”, which we are permeated with, makes us feel more intelligent and less alone if we indulge everyone, it makes us feel valued for efficiency, respectability or generosity. If you don’t reject anything, in essence, maybe you’re better off. Or not: perhaps you are unhappy. The no you don’t say to others are the ones you impose on yourself (Mondadori) is the title of an essay that Camilla Ronzulli (in art: Zelda was a writer) wrote to share his personal revolution inspired by Melville’s scribe’s “I’d rather not”, Luciano Bianciardi’s “Io mi oppongo” The harsh life, and even to the “no” for life on earth of the Calvinian rampant baron on trees. Each stage of this story relies on anecdotes that speak of legitimization research and enlightening awareness: if it is true that every “yes” is the beginning, in others, of expectations, every “no” but know that it is another beginning. It is that of yes to oneselfi: I say no to say “yes” to me and so I feel light. Free. A tranchant way through which we ask for – and obtain – salvation.
At the center of other people’s desire
«I had written down a sentence of my psychotherapist in a notebook because it had had such an impact on me that I had not been able to forget it. Today that phrase is the title of the book» says Ronzulli.
«For years I fought against all the “no”s I wanted to say because I was sure that only with my “yes” would I deserve love and consideration. The resistances that were difficult to scratch were linked to the education received and with the “yes” at the end I felt at the center of the desires of others, which for a long time I had confused with my own. And it wasn’t something that just me or my friends experienced, it was for many» she continues. «I have always refused to subscribe to a single definition, in work as in life. The problem, however, is that if you are not positioned in a category, you arouse suspicion. Yet, it was this “no” to other people’s expectations, to destinies already written, that saved me. Of course, not everyone is free to refuse. Sometimes you can’t do it for economic reasons, social pressures, or just an upbringing still inhabited by the idea that good people are generous and helpful. I would like people to say more “no” on an inner level, because in that dimension there is no resistance and even if it doesn’t seem like it, they are “no” capable of great prodigies» concludes the author.
Clare knows something about it, the protagonist of The little things in life, the miniseries (on Disney+) created by Liz Tigelaar based on the bestseller of the same name by Cheryl Strayed: in the midst of a life falling apart (marriage, career, relationship with daughter) finds herself a venerated journalist thanks to a ‘no’ foisted on her past and a ‘yes’ reserved to Dear Sugar, the advice column that a friend gives her asking her the favor of replacing her. That will be the beginning of her happiness, the result of many “no” assigned to the list of unhappiness.
And everyone has their own. «No to those who don’t respect you as a person, no to those who think of you as property to have enough to rage with harassment, up to the choices that don’t put your person first. It was this last “no” that saved me» says Marialuisa Jacobelli, sports journalist and author Now it’s me (Rizzoli), a dramatic memoir in which he tells the suffered eight months of stalking and concluded with a complaint (and the arrest) of her ex. “When you find yourself in situations like mine, a superhuman effort is essential to save yourself. Those who decide to change themselves to change others should learn to say “no”. Always choosing “yes” seems to me an all-female attitude, though. This is why I would like girls to be educated to say no » she concludes.
A “no” to our fears
Maria Beatrice Alonzi, business strategist, director and writer, tells the “no” underlying the title of her bestseller I don’t want to please everyone anymore (Vallardi). «No, I will no longer be your addiction nor the mirror where you throw your projections. AND no, I won’t be the ransom for your lack of success anymore, mom» he specifies. «The no that saved my life? The one with which I answered the question “do you really want another relationship where you can build a world around the other person so that they never leave you?”. No, I told myself. Also because it doesn’t work. Having said that, I would also like a world where more people say “no” to the iPad in the hands of two-year-olds but also where they say “yes” to psychotherapy for future parents. For human progress we need limits but we also need to understand how to regulate them and make them our own» she concludes.
Hunting for missed “no”s could also make sense to understand phenomena such as “ghosting” (who disappears from any multimedia contact without explanation and without saying “no, thank you”), of “quiet quitting“ (who refuses to do more than what the contract says at work) and of the “breadcrumbing” (those who start relationships that always remain suspended and ambiguous). Then, of course, it would also be useful to prescribe to everyone too a nice “no” to the fear of growing old and another “no” to the fear of loving.
Waste that saves lives
He just left And just like thatsecond season of the revival of Sex and he city: if the first season was about death and pain, in this season the protagonists only pursue the mantra “life is short, so live”. Carrie returns to savor her old life again: there is sex and there is so much New York, there are above all many “no” useful to enjoy life. Or to save her. Like that of the submarine commander Todaro, protagonist of Commandera book (Bompiani) that will soon become a film, written by Sandro Veronesi and Edoardo De Angelis, inspired by the true story of this man who became famous for his historic “no”: deciding not to let the 26 Belgian shipwrecked shipwrecked of the merchant ship that had opened fire against the Italians drown, Todaro sails on the surface for three days, making himself visible at enemy forces and risking their lives. To save them. And how many more lives could we have saved by saying no? Maybe all those weddings that fall apart around.
Not feeling important
The lovers (Einaudi) by Peppe Fiore is a painfully ironic novel about trust and lying in couples told from a woman’s point of view. «There is an inconceivable “no” in today’s marriages and it is staying away from the gaze of the other. It’s not being seen, for better or for worse. I think it’s a discourse linked to our civilization whereby if others don’t recognize me, I don’t exist. All of this resembles a gigantic species neurosis when we realize that, even on a planetary scale, most people are invisible. Yuval Noah Harari says it well: the cancer of civilization is not so much inequality as irrelevance. In other words, not feeling important» adds Fiore.
Yet how many “no” dribbled there are at the root of betrayals and failures. Would tackling them make sense? «Relationships necessarily produce a number of shadow cones where very often “no” lurks: pieces of the other that we don’t like, unmentionable intolerances, habits and automatisms that we would like to completely reject. Often, however, we cannot do this because in the meantime the relationship for two has entered a wider network that concerns the world. The paradox is that those unsaid to protect the “no” are often the ones that keep the relationship alive. Now because they hide the cracks that would risk sinking it under the rug, now because loves feed fundamentally on secrecy. It’s funny, however, that marriage itself, an institution in which the “no” plays so much, is based on the “yes” pronounced at the altar» continues Fiore.
«Warning: it’s not that a healthy marriage now needs omissions, mind you. There are also happy couples who live in a regime of transparency because they have completely welcomed each other. To do this you need to be very peaceful with yourself and with your ego. Which, if it is already very difficult to be one for oneself, being one for two is exponentially difficult» concludes the writer.
Saying no gives us strength
Anyone who knows how to say “no” in any case is in the eyes of others in a position of leadership in their own existence, he concluded Vanessa M. Patrickassociate professor of Marketing at the University of Houston in a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research. The “no” gives us a sense of empowerment, she adds. And young people seem more comfortable with this. Less filters, less paranoia. Even in love stories, where they choose and leave each other as if the world had already been told in texts such as Abysmalthe song of Tananai on tour since 4th of july and that looks like a hymn to that priceless but censored “no”.
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