“Reparenting”, i.e. becoming parents of ourselves. We could thus translate this English term which in fact is a set of practices, based on mindfulness, to face our inner difficulties independently. With experiences that help us in ours emotional growth. Without seeking external help as children do, but trying to work on ourselves, to untie inner knots, or pains that we may have been carrying around from childhood or adolescence. We asked Dr. Nicoletta Cinotti, psychotherapist and author of the recently released book “Parents of themselves – Mindfulness and Reparenting” (Enrico Damiani Editore) to explain to us how Reparenting works. And learn that very often underestimated emotional education.
It is not theory but practice
We have been educated to deal with emotions through control, repression and denial. As if emotions were dangerous elements. In fact, they allow us a broader understanding of reality. In times of change we can realize the limits of this “not emotional education”. “Then we have the possibility of behaving as a good parent would, only that we address this treatment to ourselves,” clarifies Dr. Nicoletta Cinotti. Often we have the resources, but we are not masters of it because we are not aware of it. «Reparenting teaches a series of practices to address our issues without burdening others. For do not repeat wrong reactive modesand in the face of difficulties, patterns that we learned more or less unconsciously during childhood and adolescence,” he explains Nicoletta Cinotti.
Reparenting teaches you to “have compassion” for yourself
When we feel bad about a loss, or even a simple difficulty at work, we often tend to be very critical of ourselves: we blame ourselves for not being or not having been “good enough, or intelligent, or capable”. “This not being ‘something enough’ often stems from our upbringing. From our parents who, to stimulate us to do better and better, gave us a negative view of ourselves, such as beings not sufficiently suited to… or good enough to… Or they have steered us towards an excessively performative logic» explains Dr. Cinotti. Against these settings one must practice what in psychology is called the “Self Compassion”, self-compassion. «We must learn to be more aware of ourselves, for be able to comfort ourselves and console to get better» explains Dr. Cinotti who is also a teacher of Mindfulness according to the international Mbsr and Mbct protocols.
The latest text by Dr. Nicoletta Cinotti also contains practical exercises to learn how to be “Parents of themselves”.
It can also be practiced alone
Reparenting is not a way to become more indulgent with yourself, but a set of meditation practices to accept a situation, comfort us and forgive us for our mistakes and also for those of others. This allows you to make better use of resources that we often forget we have, because we are lost in self-criticism, or self-pity. «An absolute beginner, who knows nothing about psychotherapy or Mindfulness, may initially have some difficulties in practicing Reparenting on his own. This is why in my book there are practical exercises and a series of QRcodes to download meditation guides. But in general, reparenting is a way to take care of yourself without resorting to psychotherapy» explains Dr. Cinotti.
Reparenting helps to get to know our inner… family
«For example, we all know that inflammation makes us age, but nobody takes an anti-inflammatory every day to stay young. The medicine is resorted to only when the inflammation becomes acute. When it hurts and you can’t handle it anymore. The same thing happens, or should happen, with psychotherapy: in the face of an illness we intervene with psychotherapy.
To achieve one’s psychological well-being or to eliminate “inner inflammation” one resorts to Reparenting» explains Cinotti. For this reason the practice of Reparenting helps to become autonomous in the face of sensations very common, such as anxiety or perfectionism. «The importance of this inner parenthood is evident because, precisely in times of difficulty, we can “behave like children”. Childish or adolescent parts still live inside us: we can no longer think that making them grow is a responsibility of our parents, but we can find the best way for a change ourselves ».
Doctor Nicoletta Cinotti (credit Rosselle DeBerti).
Who can it be useful to?
Reparenting is not said to only serve to manage negative emotions. On the contrary. «It is useful to all those who, faced with a very intense emotion, whether positive or negative, don’t know how to deal with it. This inability often arises from the fact that no one has ever taught them to manage your emotions, as instead was done with the management of money or personal hygiene» explains Dr. Cinotti. Reparenting is also useful when it has occurred emotional education focused on addiction, when you grew up without emotional autonomy. Or when acts of care and love have been replaced by punishments or “constructive” criticism, but which often made us doubtful and insecure.
It makes us friends with ourselves again
Reparenting leads to accepting without judgment what one is experiencing. «For example, when a love story ends, we tend to protect ourselves from that pain by withdrawing into ourselves. Maybe you think you can console yourself by going to the beautician more often, or treating yourself to a holiday. This attitude (perhaps) makes us feel better outside, but “inside” we remain in pain. Only by doing specific meditation practices can you face suffering, not run away from it. But to overcome it with a real inner comfort» explains Cinotti. It is useless, in the face of a finished love, to try to understand who is to blame. Or even worse, feeling responsible. Gain awareness of this pain instead, by practicing self-comfort, will also allow you to live better future experiences. And make peace with ourselves and with our parents. Whether internal or external.
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