Sit happens sometimes: it’s a sense of incompleteness, of the unsaid or undone, of a sort of “worm” that remains in the mind. It happens with a song you half hear by chance and that continues to resonate in your mind, with the episode of the TV series ending in the middle of a twist. AND It also happens in relationships: a story ends but you don’t have time to clarify, to talk to each other and everything remains suspended. Is called Zeigarnik effect and explains all the suspended and unfinished relationships in our lives.
Relationships, when you are left in suspense: what is the Zeigarnik effect
The Lithuanian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik made a very particular discovery about the functioning of the mind in a Viennese restaurant: we remember unfinished and unfinished actions much more than completed ones. This is because one is created mental state of tension that constantly reminds us of what has not been accomplished. It is the same reason why the famous “to do lists” were made: the mind enters a state of concentration that also sends anxiety-inducing messages until everything is completed.
However, not everything can be accomplished. A song heard by chance, a plot twist left unsolved, love relationships suddenly concluded without clarification are all suspended situations that the mind struggles to manage. And that’s right for the Zeigarnik effect that continues to resonate in the head what has remained pending: «It is not only applicable to small everyday things but also to more complex ones: it is also observable when we notice that unresolved conflicts from the past arise againthey never go away completely or when in the memory of the traumatic episodes one can still feel the effect of the action that the body would have wanted to carry out in defense in the face of a threat, to escape or defend itself, but which it was unable to act upon” explains the Dr. Roberta de Coppi – EMDR psychotherapist.
At the basis of suspended relationships, the motivations
To better understand this mechanism we must start from the assumption that at the basis of every human thought there is motivation: «This complex motivational system is fundamental to push us to pursue objectives, improve ourselves and achieve results. However, it is also at the basis of addictions and perfectionism or performance. It is an innate drive, linked to positive emotions, which allows you to take action to get what you need, even if it is not useful or even harmful.”
Everyone has this “tension” within themselves which therefore pushes them towards the goal by activating an internal energy which remains pending when the action remains incomplete.
The Zeigarnik effect applied to love
This effect therefore also applies to love. When a story ends suddenly at the will of the other person, there remain thoughts, ruminations, things left unsaid, lack of clarification and confusion that are part of this particular effect.
«It is the unsolved stories that remain like a worm in the mind. And this is because, as neuroscience tells us today, during falling in love the same reward circuit is activated in the brain and which generates a sense of gratification. In certain cases this mechanism may still be active, for example when a story ends and only the beautiful memories remain in our mind that we would really like to have back or when we have been abandoned perhaps we feel it as a defeat or we have a critical sense towards ourselves. The drive that remains has more to do with getting something than with a thoughtful and wise understanding that that relationship is still meaningful or important» explains the expert.
In this case the mind continues to ruminate because it alone tries to achieve a sense of satisfaction and reward, therefore trying to extinguish the tension and complete the task.
Learn to go further in love
But how do you overcome this torment? «First of all we need to become aware of what the real reason that still pushes us to return to the same object several times. If it’s a small thing that doesn’t harm anyone, you can decide whether to end it and free yourself or whether to take it as training and stop the action anyway to learn to manage the sense of frustration and increase your tolerance. Even one to do list it could become an exercise to deal with to stay focused on action and not procrastinate but at the same time be patient if it is not completed” explains Dr. de Coppi.
If instead we talk about feelings, the discussion is more complex because we need to help the mind close the circle in another way: «For example, in a finished story they can be used symbolic acts of closure that help release tension. For example write a long letter, reread it and seal it in an envelope or burn it».
It’s very helpful too get out of your automatism. This effect happens because the mind works automatically: go beyond this mechanism and start accepting it unfinished and suspended situations can occur, it is very difficult, sometimes more than accepting the actual loss, but it helps a lot because “you have to learn to live with the sense of incompleteness” concludes the doctor.
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