It was Christmas holidays 2022. Suus went to the cinema with friends and after a drink in the pub she walked home because of a flat bicycle tire. And certainly, she had noticed the group of noisy men at the bar. They had tried to get her attention, but she had not responded, she found them mostly annoying. Although she normally experienced the city center as familiar, during her walk it felt like something was wrong and she did not dare to look back.
Suus: “Suppose I had looked back, then I could have called and none of this would have happened.” That could have been possible, she could have called her friend or 112, walked a different route, gone to a house. ring the doorbell, she had so much… But it didn’t happen that way, they had locked her in and, frozen with fear, she was pushed into the white van and raped. A cowardly, power-hungry act by three adult men against a young 24-year-old woman.
A report followed, Suus was well taken care of by victim support and fortunately the perpetrators were caught. She also followed trauma therapy for a while, which helped her to sleep well again and to resume her work as a nurse. What remained, however, was the constant maelstrom of thoughts about the dangers she might face, especially on the streets at night.
Worry Brain is working overtime
And although her employer allowed her not to work evening and night shifts in the first few months and things really got better in the summer, she has exchanged all these shifts with a colleague since autumn. Her worrying brain is working overtime: …what if something happens again, what if I can’t reach my phone, what if…
Her fear is understandable and also serves a purpose: part of her brain is trying to protect her from repeating it. Only the answer she gives, ‘avoidance of the dark’, is exactly the answer that causes fear to grip her. And she knows that, but when it comes to doing it, reason is momentarily out of the picture.
Use tension correctly
In therapy, Suus learns what she can do to avoid trying to get rid of her tension, but instead to use it to go outside in the evening. Not just once, but every night. Her boyfriend accompanies her for the first few weeks and lets her walk alone for a longer distance. She recently worked her first night shift. Of course not without tension, but with pride.
Suus: “I actually wanted to get rid of my fear and tension first, and only then go outside. But of course I only relax after I have done the exciting thing and notice that I can do it.”
Nice life lesson, right?