PFor 4 out of 5 teenagers, a woman can avoid sexual intercourse if she really doesn’t want it. For 1 in 5 it is not violence to touch private parts without consent. Again: 1 in 5 thinks that, after all, if you dress or behave in a provocative way, you should expect some consequences. This happens if there is no gender education.
These are the surprising results of research “Young people and peer violence” which Ipsos conducted for Action Aid Italia involving 800 girls and boys between 14 and 19 years old. They were asked what they think is violence, who suffers it, and why. On this last point, that is, why one becomes the object of violence, 50 percent indicate physical characteristics, then sexual orientation and gender: «In our society stereotypes are still very strong» comments Maria Sole Piccioli, Education manager of Action Aid. “We have to work on it.”
Violence and abuse, beyond the news
It’s not just Caivano, it’s not just Palermo: the news tells us almost every day stories of male oppression, with the addition of sexist comments from “if you’re not clear-headed you’ll meet wolves” to “you could have stayed at home ”. In 1976 Adele Faccio, champion of civil rights and deputy of the Radical Party, said on TV: «We are not males and females cut with a knife. I should be meek and resigned, he should bang his fists on the table.” Since then, progress has been made in the collective feeling, it is undeniable.
But from the results of the investigation, it would seem that a fair amount of confusion reigns among the younger ones, that prejudices and clichés prevail: she is compliant and he is strong, she is prey and he is a predator. Every now and then someone loses their mind but, as we know, man is a hunter. These are just stereotypes. If we want to prevent violence, we must undermine them and ensure that relations between the two sexes are healthy, equal and respectful. Against patriarchal culture, we need to start acting early with gender education.
Gender education helps boys and girls grow up in harmony. Getty Images
Gender education also means leaving males free to cry
Monica Lanfranco, writer and trainer, in My son is a feminist (VandA Edizioni) is aimed at mothers of boys, so that they raise “empathetic” children, capable of being non-violent traveling companions for women. «Male violence is the absence of relationships, it is not realizing the other, or the other» says Lanfranco. «Kids learn about sex on Youporn, but if you leave the technique behind and try to understand fears and emotions there is a blank slate, emotional illiteracy. It is taken for granted that certain things can happen. Saying that it is normal means not seeing the great things that are around.”
Parents have a decisive role in raising male allies of women: «Education is fundamental, to teach the value of respect. Children should be left free to express themselves with their bodies, to activate their curiosity. It is important to talk to men about heroes and heroines, about male and female talents, make it clear that the mother is not just a mother but also has other identities: she is a woman, a worker, a person. She, on the other hand, must be the first to not devalue females in front of her child. Phrases like: “If you continue like this I’ll tell your father” shouldn’t come out of her, as if her paternal role was just judgmental. Or, worse, say: “If you are kind you are not a real man”.
The problem is that stereotypes are difficult to break down, and if today all in all we accept a little girl who is a bit “tomboyish”, things are worse for the boy who plays with Barbie. In that case the not so hidden fear of possible homosexuality wins. Poor children, forced to always appear strong. It’s not good for them, it’s not good for anyone. Allowing him to express his emotions even through crying, without fear of feeling less masculine, is liberating, «and means weakening any violent reactions which, without this outlet, could translate into dangerous gestures for oneself or for others» continues Lanfranco.
First step, be yourself
Adds Alessia Dulbecco, pedagogist, who has just published: It’s always been done this way! (Tlon): «From an early age, males are educated to perform and not to show weaknesses, females to indulge others. The first step, therefore, is to allow children to be themselves and respect themselves.” This also applies to toys: it is not obvious that boys love fire trucks or toy cars. Let them experiment, according to their interests and curiosities. Let them try, without prejudice: did you know that until the beginning of the twentieth century, pink, as a variant of red, was the color of males and blue, the color of the sky, that of females? Only since the 1940s did clothing companies start producing pink dresses for girls and blue for boys. So, making children free to wear their favorite color does not mean providing gender education but simply encouraging self-respect.”
The second step is make the value of consent understood quickly: doesn’t the other want our embrace? It must be respectedThe magical power of the word “no” must be taught: girls should feel free to say it, boys should understand that it is an insurmountable limit. «During the meetings of our Youth For Love program for schools», says Maria Sole Piccioli, «it happened that some boys came to thank us: they had always taken their girlfriends’ consent for granted, they had minimized it. Just as they had always given little importance to the exchange of personal photos, they didn’t even pay attention to it. With us, for the first time, they had the opportunity to reflect on it.”
Youth For Love is an Action Aid project active in around fifteen lower and upper secondary schools. «We work on sharing rules, role-playing games in which we put ourselves in the shoes of others to make people understand the value of respect. We work with young operators, always in pairs, and explore all forms of violence, psychological, physical, online. We try to involve parents too but it’s not easy. Unfortunately, few people participate. Those few, it must be said, are very motivated.”
The Finnish method that helps gender education
In fact, not all mothers and fathers have the right tools and sensitivity. Having grown up among stereotypes, they replicate them with their children. The boy will do football, the girl will dance. Billy Elliot It didn’t leave its mark. Then there are the exceptions: «Some mothers of boys ask us to explain to their children that clearing the table is not a task for women» says Michelina Della Porta, co-founder of Spazio Co-Stanza, a social coworking place in Florence which has been operating since 2015 includes a baby space.«Caring for others is an important value, as is sharing household tasks. But it’s not easy to get it through, that’s why they want our help.”
“Educating about differences” is an active project in around thirty Florentine schools. We start from nursery school, with work on emotions. In middle school the topic is the choice of sport, then, in third grade, the very delicate one of orientation to high school. And here the stereotype is still difficult to dismantle: females are suited to humanistic subjects, males to scientific ones. She will suffer the consequences for her entire life. «We explain respect for emotions and uniqueness. Respect – first for oneself and then for others – is the basis of human coexistence and applies not only to sex but also to ethnicity, religion, to everything.”
The project uses a Finnish method, KiVa, created to prevent and combat bullying. The idea is not to focus on the bully-victim relationship, but to directly involve the peer group. «Responsibility is individual but also collective. If, for example, Mario humiliates Francesca and you, a friend of both of them, say nothing, or worse, laugh, and do not inform the teacher, you are also responsible. Through workshops we work on witnesses, in order to remove the consent and support of the attacker, and make the victim feel less alone. Acting on the context is useful, it prevents the violent dynamic from happening again.”
But entering schools is not always easy. For his show Maintenance. Young men and women against violence and for respect for gender, Monica Lanfranco had to face a denialist principal: «My kids don’t go to porn sites” he said with who knows what knowledge of the facts. «They are in high school!».
No school trips for girlfriends
Working on the prevention of violence means, for example WeWorldmake it clear that a relationship adds, not takes away
«If your boyfriend pushes you away from a friend, he doesn’t want you to wear a miniskirt; if it prevents you from taking part in a school trip because you would be in too much contact with other children, what love is it? We work so that girls understand that when the other takes away, instead of adding, it means that they find themselves entangled in a toxic relationship.” Roberta Fiore, coordinator of the Women’s Space of WeWorld in Scampia, organizes parenting support talks, mother/child pedagogical consultancy and, in around fifteen schools in Naples, periodic meetings with students.
The problem with mothers is that «children mirror their parents’ ways of relating. If they grow up with domineering mothers, they will become domineering companions of their girls. The women who come here do not consider the issue of respect for themselves, let alone for others. We try to make people understand that we must start from childhood to prevent gender violence. If girls are educated to please others, and boys to perform well and achieve goals, as teenagers the girls will end up pleasing their jealous boyfriend who won’t let them take part in a school trip, fearing excessive promiscuity with boys. It will seem normal for them to give up.
“Because of this mothers need to be explained that there is nothing wrong if their little daughter doesn’t want to kiss her grandfather who will offer her ice cream in exchange. If a kiss becomes the object of a sale, it means that one is not the master of the body.” Not an easy job, that of Roberta Fiore. But there is no shortage of satisfaction. «It’s nice when a guy questions himself and asks us: “Is my attitude wrong? I don’t want to become a violent man.”». © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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