Vladimir Putin: “Comrade Xi, congratulations on that magnificent success at the 20th Party Congress.”
Xi Jinping: ‘我很忙’
Translator: “Our leader says he’s busy. He’ll be back on the line in ten minutes…’
putin, after 25 minutes: ‘What a wonderful party congress it was Comrade Xi, you are really…’
Xi: ‘赶快’
Translator: “Our leader asks you to hurry. Just for your info: our leader is really busy. To everyone’s delight, at the excellent 20th Party Congress, he was prepared to take up a third term and clear the Party of obstructive elements. Unfortunately, this morning it emerged that a governor of Hu Jintao’s faction has remained in one of the southeastern provinces. Due to the governor’s mistakes, five critical bloggers were still active in that area last year. Our leader is now working to find a solution. He immediately declared a lockdown throughout the province and suspended the governor. Unfortunately, local hospitals are now reporting that there is no question of a covid outbreak, that there are no new covid cases at all. So our leader still has to adjust a sleeve. So make your point quickly, Mr Putin.’
Putin: “Comrade Xi, thank you for your precious time. You are no doubt aware of how entwined our empires were when they were led by our visionary predecessors, Stalin and Mao. In the early years of the People’s Republic of China, an endless stream of rubles and relief supplies flowed from Moscow to Beijing. The mistakes of Stalin’s successor Khrushchev, the same one who gave Crimea to Ukraine, ruined our friendship. In 1961 there was even a deplorable geopolitical divorce in the form of that Sino-Soviet split. Our American enemy managed to take advantage of that. That dark age is behind us. As we were 70 years ago, we stand strong and united against the US and its satellites. A wonderful way to show the renewed vitality of our alliance is to reciprocate the aid China received from Russia at the time.’
Xi: ‘无需支持’
Translator: Our leader informs you that China does not need Russian aid, that China is now the strongest and most vital economy in the world. Just for your info: our leader is working on a new world order that will be Chinese. Support is not necessary for this.’
Putin: “Your magnanimous leader doesn’t understand what I mean. Emphasize the concept of reciprocity in your translation: Russia needs help from Chína now, because the abominable Yanks are financing Nazis who are stoking in historical Russian territory. China can support us by finally speeding up the construction of those new gas pipelines from West to East and by giving me an advance for the gas that ever comes your way.’
Translator: “Our leader reiterates that he needs no help from Russia.”
Putin: ‘Damn it! Doesn’t that yellow bear get what I want or does he act like he doesn’t get it? I’ve really had enough of this! First I’m put on hold for half an hour, then games are played with me. It’s fucking humiliating enough that my war is going so badly that I have to go begging from a rice-eating Winnie the Pooh. I’m Putin, aren’t I, I won’t let myself be treated like the first ass Eeyore! I need money Pooh bear don’t you understand?! Money for weapons! Give money Pooh-bear, and fast!! Am I clear now!?’
Translator: “I don’t know if I should translate this because he always reacts badly to ‘Pooh Bear’.”