Qthose gods feminicides it is a plague on our country, and yet. Yet it is only the tip of the iceberg, the “tragic epilogue” of stories of Domestic violence which take place daily in the shadows: «mistreatment situations whose signs often they are not visibleunless after the person’s emotional collapse.” She explains it well Monica Bonsangue, psychologist, psychotherapist and psychotraumatologist, in his Psychological violence in couples. What is before a feminicide (Dario Flaccovio Editore). «If a woman shows up at the emergency room showing signs of beatings or other physical abuse, justice is sure to move forward. Psychological violence, on the other hand, imprisons the woman in a perverse relationship through invisible chains, difficult to recognize».
Psychological violence in couples. The signs to recognize it, and how to defend yourself
His book aims to be exactly this: a guide to interpreting the signs of psychological violence. A sort of handbook for use by the professional but also by the woman who suspects she is a “victim” in a toxic relationship. But perhaps, precisely because she doesn’t bear the signs on her skin, she doubts and continues to remain entangled in the coils of a sick bond.
Bonsangue gives a lot of useful information, explaining the tricks that the abuser can use to manipulate, within what experts call the “cycle of violence”. But the strength of the book is also and above all in the lived stories of women that the therapist has assisted and that she tells. Women in whom the reader could identify and reflect herself.
1. First clue. The couple is unbalanced
In peaceful couples there is teamwork and mutual respect, as is obvious: through ups and downs. In an abusive relationship, the power relations are instead unbalanced in a position called complementary. The victim assumes a subordinate position (one down), the abuser a dominant position (one up), That always maintains, by all means.
2. The phases of the cycle of violence
But that doesn’t mean these are stories of suffering from start to finish. On the contrary. As noted by the American psychologist Lenore E. Walker (founder of the Domestic Violence Institute)the stories of violence and abuse they go through very different phases. It’s the so-called cycle of abuse.
Tension builds
Bonsangue explains it in the book. The first phase is characterized by the progressive accumulation of emotional tension on the part of the abuser. And this phase is recognized by the fact that day after day the man shows increasingly nervous, aggressive and intolerant attitudes towards his partner. Hostile behaviors become more frequent and tense.
Women perceive the climate change, they start to get scared and to worry, because they know their partner’s explosive phase well. To avoid making the situation worse they do everything they can, arriving to inhibit their needs and their aggression: they don’t react, they don’t speak, they don’t respondthey try not to add tension to the one already present. In short, they keep the waters as calm as possible, thus hoping to avoid the explosion. But it’s not enough.
The tension explodes
In the second phase the accumulated tension is released in an explosive form, pouring out in a destructive way on the partner. It is in this phase that the worst aggressive behaviors are detected, which can include psychological, direct physical and indirect physical violence. Such as: breaking objects belonging to the partner. If for the “victim of physical violence it is the phase of pure terror, for the victim of psychological violence it is the phase of anguish”. But then the atmosphere changes.
The honeymoon (apology phase)
The third phase is called the honeymoon phase: also called the apology phase, or the loving care phase. That is, a period opens, which varies from two days to approximately six months, during which the abusive partner seems to return to what he once was. The wonderful man the victim had fallen in love with. She interprets her request for forgiveness as an awareness of having made a mistake. Hope lights up that everything will change.
Many women describe the honeymoon phase as incomprehensible, as it is in stark contrast to what happened shortly before. But they welcome it with relief, like a truce. And no questions are asked.
Unfortunately, however, it is only a phase, after which the cycle starts again: the tension builds up again, and then explodes, until the next request for an apology.
3. The victim’s personality changes (manipulation, plagiarism)
The abuser’s goal within the relationship is “destructuring of his victim’s personality” which, from being independent and autonomous, becomes subjugated, meek, childish, suspicious, rigid. Family and friends may notice this sudden change. But it’s not said. Because manipulation is always accompanied by the imposition of isolation.
4. The victim is isolated
The victim must be isolated from the pre-existing context to be inserted into a context in which he is forced to inhibit the previous personality and adhere to new forms of personal identity (a new self-image) imposed by the partner. It is the one that, iIn technical terms, it’s called thought reform.
Isolation from friends or relatives it can be explicitly imposed or caused indirectly. For example, causing misunderstandings and bad interpretations of words or facts, or even well-crafted lies which cast a bad light on the people to be removed. In the space of a few months the victim finds herself facing, completely alone, the altered realities suggested by her manipulator.
5. An identikit of the abuser?
It would also be useful to have an identikit of the abuser. But the ways in which a person can be mistreated are almost infinite. Not only that, according to data from the anti-violence listening centers and the Pink Telephones, as well 75% of perpetrators of violence do not present any altered psychophysical characteristics. Whoever wants to find potential tormentors must then search among the “unsuspected”: normal people, common subjects, who blend in with the crowd. «He can have a normal job, normal clothes, normal hobbies, normal cars, normal habits, normal friends, normal friendships. What is certain is that he does not have a normal relationship with his partner. This is the heart of the problem.”
The abuser: child, self-centered, unaffective
The author then identifies some recurring characteristics. For example, the abuser is indeed an adult but with needs to be satisfied typical of the infantile psychological age. This can be seen, for example, in the methods of attachment: it means the relationship with the partner in the form of control/submission/possession, without caring about the effects of one’s behavior on the other.
Another recurring feature, egocentrism. The tendency to talk about his incredible talents or, even, how unfair the world is towards him (self-centered victimist).
But there is also a profound lack of awareness of one’s own feelings and those of others others: what is called anaffectiveness. Faced with messages of suffering from his partner, the abuser does not participate emotionally. He remains as if in a state of paralysis.
Psychological profiles
As for psychological profiles, there are various theories. For example Lundy Bancroft (Men who mistreat womenVallardi Editore) proposes eleven short descriptions of violent men: the Man Who Demands, Mr. Know It All, the Cold Torturer, the Sergeant Instructor, Mr. Sensitive, the Don Juan, the Rambo, the Victim, the Terrorsis, the mentally ill And the drug addict.
Bonblood it is limited to four “types”, based on each person’s communication and relational style. And that is narcissistic, obsessive, paranoid and victimist. The first three use direct control modes. The last one is difficult to identify because it doesn’t seem dominant, on the contrary: its is one disguised power grab from victimhood. In this dynamic, a total delegation of kings is activatedresponsibility to partner with respect to their own happiness.
6. There is no abuser without a victim
By exposing the various profiles, the psychotherapist shows how, for each type there is one potential victim who is complementary to him, perfect for a “fit”. In short, she was not “kicked out” by chance. But that doesn’t mean she can’t free herself.
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