Parents office: “My son excluded me from his life”

He didn’t accept any rules, responded badly and seemed to hate me. We had many quarrels. the last one a couple of months ago, when he has decided to go and stay with his fatherexcluding me from his life. He doesn’t reply to my messages and tells me he wants to be alone for the moment. I’m trying to respect the distance she put, but I’m in too much pain and I’m even angry, because I’ve destroyed myself to raise him at best and whoever hasn’t done anything enjoys my work.

I wonder if I will ever be able to see my son again and how it is right for me to behave in this circumstance. I would love to clear everything up and for him to go home. I receive some news concerning him from the father I contact, although I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I wonder if Will I be able to win my son back over time? I fear the possibility that this may never happen. Surely the father is not as attentive as I am to the needs of an adolescent son and for my son perhaps this being with his father is seen as a way out.

Dr. Peltonen’s answer

Dear Maria,

certainly her son’s decision to go and live with his father and mostly to completely exclude her from his life is painful to accept. I can understand her desperation and also her frustration at having taken care of him alone for so many years. Nonetheless, I would like to congratulate you for having raised a determined, determined boy, good both in studies and in sport, a boy who is probably able to express his potential and who has perhaps also found his vocation. She did the best of her and it seems to me that she did very well. It’s already not easy when you are a couple, and in a relatively peaceful family, but when there is a separation in the middle everything becomes much more complicated. She did it on her own, she can be proud of herself. Who “enjoys her work” is not so much her ex-husband as her son!

Separated children and fathers

Surely, although he can grow up very well with only his mother, an adolescent boy misses his father. The male figure in a boy’s daily life is very important. Unfortunately, often fathers, when they separate from their wives, also separate from their children. This is a big mistake that can cause big problems for the children, and many times when the fathers realize it and understand it, it is too late to recover the lost relationship. And this causes pain for both sons and fathers. It’s welcome if there are other male references in a boy’s life, but a father is always a father.

When children are not protected from resentment towards the ex

Unfortunately, mothers often tell their children all the grudges they have against ex-husbands, without realizing that in this way they hurt the children who are already suffering more. If possible, we should foster interaction between sons and fathers, rather than trying to make sons our allies against fathers. The child should never be pitted against either parent. A child always loves both parents, and would like to be loved by both. He should never be put in the position of having to choose one or the other. So Maria, even if she rightly suffers a lot in this situation, I would try to see it from the positive side: her son is recovering his relationship with his father, and it is for her own good that he does so.

A different way of approaching children

May I possibly suggest that you try to put aside your anger towards your ex-husband. Even though she may be justified by her it does not help her achieve her goal of finding harmony with her son again. You try to approach her son in another way. Obviously I don’t know what she writes to him in the messages to which he doesn’t respond, and in what other ways she tries to contact him, I don’t know why her son has decided to exclude her. Try to show him a sincere interest in her life, without judging him, without judging his father, without presenting himself as a victim of the situation even if she feels that way.

I don’t think your son hates you (I repeat, children always love their parents) he will just have chosen to stay with his father where perhaps he has no prohibitions of any kind, where perhaps he is not reproached, where he is free to do whatever he wants. And for the simple fact that maybe he needs confirmation that his father loves him too. I think she can definitely win her son back, it just takes some patience and maybe a change of attitude.

How to handle suffering and negativity

In the meantime I would suggest that you look for distractions that can help you manage your pain, whether it be through reading, writing, music, art, crafting, sports, cinema, theatre, dance, photography…Anything that gives you pleasure . Negative feelings are an alarm that something is wrong inside us, try to focus on the positive and pleasant things in your life. Starting with the little things. Bringing something new into her life, changing her attitude. Try writing three positive things in a journal every day. They don’t necessarily have to be particular things, even simply “the sun’s out today” if it’s something you like (or even “it’s finally raining today, it’s good for nature!”). By writing them down she helps her focus on seeing and noticing the positive side of life, overcoming all the difficulties, and thus she trains her mind to think positively and to change her perspective.

Read all the episodes of the column dedicated to Parents and teenagers here

Who is Dr. Laura Peltonen

«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s Humanistic Coaching Schoolone of the Italian pioneers of coaching, and a specialization always from the same school in Teen & Parent Coaching».

For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].

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