Bhello Doctor,
I’m Annalisa, mother of a 16 year old girl and 18 year old boy. I am separated for 10 years. The father he has a pretty good relationship with his kids, but the fact is more taken from the 5 year old son that he had with his new partner.
Worried, always
I, on the other hand, am alone, but although my children don’t really give me big problems, they are perpetually worried. I’m worried about their school performance (they don’t do very well at school, neither of them, I always have to scold them, they don’t do their homework) and above all about their future, what will become of them?
Friendships, work, study, violence: how can I stay calm?
How they will find their way, I don’t know what job they will be able to do, I wonder if they will ever find work in today’s world. I’m worried about their friendships, I’m afraid they hang out with unsavory people. I’m afraid for my daughter, that something bad could happen to her, the news is full of rapes and feminicides. I’m scared for my son who just got his driving license. This my concern risks ruining my relationship with them.
They begin to give signs of suffering at my constant questions and I have the feeling that they listen to me and listen to me much less than before. And I’m going further anxious, I think I’m not a good mother if I can no longer educate them, manage them! And I’m afraid of losing them.
Laura Peltonen’s response
Dear Annalisa,
this question touches me very closely, I have been and still sometimes am, an anxious mother. I torment my children by asking where they are with who and when they will return… But in addition to having worked a lot on myself (we Coaches are also on a continuous journey of internal growth), I have also explained to my children that I don’t do it to control them, judge or criticize them, they know I just do it to calm my anxietiesand therefore they endure with affection (“let’s call poor mother to let her know we’re fine, otherwise she’ll worry”).
Worried and anxious mother? It’s normal as long as you don’t risk ruining relationships
Jokes aside, I believe that the vast majority of mothers worry about their children, some less, some more. Become a problem only when precisely risks ruining your relationship with your childrenor it makes us fall into a vortex of exhausting anxieties.
In fact by worrying we don’t help anyone, not them, not ourselves. Faced with unexpected events in life, faced with the probability that something negative could happen, there are those who think that it doesn’t happen to me, it happens to others and instead there are those who think that if I worry I’m ready for anything. Which isn’t true because you’re never ready for bad news, whatever kind it may be. However, there is a very useful Chinese saying to keep in mind: “If you have a problem and you can solve it, there’s no point in worrying. If you have a problem and you can’t do anything to solve it, there’s no point in worrying.” (Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu).
The emotions of a mother who questions herself
In your case, if your children begin to suffocate under your worries, then it is good to stop and reflect. Perhaps your anxieties arise from the fact that you feel alonefrom your fears that perhaps need elaboration, from your feeling of inadequacy, from feelings of guilt. You say you don’t feel like a good mother, while already the fact that you write to me and wonder about this situation indicates that you are and how. You also say that your children don’t cause you much trouble, you can definitely compliment that fact. You single-handedly raised two wonderful children. School performance is not and should not be the only “evaluation measure”.
What to do against anxiety to not be worried
Rather than worry of your children’s friendships, ask to meet them, invite them home for pizza, ask your children to tell you what they like in their friends, why they chose them, how they make them feel. If you show that you are ready to listen to them without judging, they will gladly tell you about it. For the job of the future, did you ask them what they would like to do?
Establish a dialogue with them
As for your daughter, I imagine you will certainly have “alarmed” her about the dangers of life. I would suggest you talk to both your children about recent news events, asking how they feel about these events, what they think about them. Let’s use this bad news to educate our children, always reminding them of respect for people and life.
The news that is full of current events often makes us forget that most young kids are good, they are not bullies, they are not violent. Sure, at home they may argue, they’re grumpy, they don’t listen to us, and they’re maybe even lost, they don’t have a direction in their life, but that doesn’t mean they go around killing people. They have though need our help. And we don’t help them by worrying.
The pessimism of today’s parents
For the first time in history we are in a situation where parents do not see a better future for their children, unlike past generations. However, this pessimism (realism some say perhaps) and concern do not help our children to think about their future with hope, with joy, with the natural and typical curiosity of a young person. Indeed it is a thought that destroys ambitions.
Instead, we should encourage our children to dream big, and want a better future than they now think is possible. Of course, kids are capable of wanting and demanding a better future, Fridays for future teaches us, but we parents have to knowing how to listen to them, stimulate them, cheer them on, believe in them, instead of discrediting them with our daily pessimism, which can certainly be more or less justified in today’s world, but we must cultivate hope in young people. We should change our paradigm (our way of thinking, behaving and perceiving situations and relationships) for the good of children and their right to a future.
Doctor Laura Peltonen.
Who is Doctor Laura Peltonen
«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s School of Humanistic Coachingone of the Italian pioneers of coaching, and a specialization from the same school in Teen & Parent Coaching”.
For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].
Read all the articles on Laura Peltonen’s adolescence here
iO Donna © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED