BHello, I’m Alessia, mother of two adolescents aged 13 (male) and 16 (female).. I am a single mom for 12 years now. The father is there but it’s as if he wasn’t there, is not very present in the lives of children and does not help in anything, especially with education and the economic aspect. I confess that I often struggle. It’s difficult alone. My children are always attached to the cell phone that they carry with them everywhere.
In the morning I wake up with my cell phone.
At the mobile table.
Homework with your cell phone
In the car with your cell phone
Now I don’t know how to get him off those cell phones anymore. My screams are useless.
Plus I feel right overwhelmed by responsibilities that I have, I never have time for myself. Being a mother, working full time and having zero help from my father puts me in difficulty. Supporting a family, mortgage, dog and everything is hard, I don’t have the economic possibilities to do anything for myself. Just a walk in the center which I don’t allow myself anyway because I would see things in the shop windows and I would have to deny myself so I avoid it.
It’s all hard work and more I feel very aloneAfter all, who would be with someone like me full of responsibilities and zero time for anything else.
Laura Peltonen’s response
Dear Alessia,
you described to me a situation that is very common to many mothers, so you are not alone. There are so many separated mothers who deal with the management of their children alone, without help. It’s perhaps not a great consolation but sometimes knowing that many others are going through exactly the same hardships can still give a little relief. Knowing that you are not alone in the world.
In order to get out of this, to see some light at the end of the tunnel, I would like to point out the importance of taking care of yourself. Being a mother is a full-time job but now your kids are old enough, you can give yourself exclusive time, you don’t have to be only at their disposal. There are various free ways to take care of yourself that cost nothing but provide enormous benefits, such as one walk in naturebut also the meditationreading books, listening to music…
Parents and loneliness
On the web you can find free yoga, pilates, gymnastics lessons… It is very important that you find time, even just 15 minutes a day, to dedicate to yourself, to start feeling better and to regain the joy of living, despite all the hardships and responsibilities you have. You could also start by simply enjoying your morning coffee in peace, perhaps on the terrace watching the sun rise, or by taking a hot bath in the evening with candles and perfumes, appreciating the moment dedicated to yourself (if you’re in a hurry in the morning, get up 10 minutes before to have that little extra time for yourself, it really makes the difference). Do yourself this favor. Also for the sake of your children And It’s important that you love yourself.
Walking in nature
A walk in the park, surrounded by nature, could also become a moment of creativity, a generation of ideas for daily issues with the kids, new solutions could come to mind. Or it could even be a time to delve deeper into your personal thoughts. As you walk, let your mind wander freely and you will see that when you return home you will feel better, ready to face the challenges of the day with a different spirit. So in addition to being good for the body, a walk is also very good for the mind. And while you go for a walk, ask your children to prepare or clear the table, turn on or empty the dishwasher, take out the rubbish, clean not only their rooms but also the bathroom, go shopping…
Gratitude exercises
You could even start making some gratitude exercises to train your mind. Every morning think about one thing (or person or event) that you are grateful for. Then come up with two more reasons to be grateful. They can also be very simple reasons, plus I’m sure that your children will give you lots of reasons. Focus on the things you have rather than what you don’t have. Training positive thinking through gratitude lightens your tiring day and helps you feel better.
Single parents? Not forever!
It seems to me that your letter also shows a strong resignation regarding the possibility of meeting new people and maybe even falling in love again one day. You ask me who would be with you. However, it is not responsibilities and little time that scare away future loves, but it is the lack of love for yourself that drives away all suitors. Nobody falls in love with you if you don’t love yourself.
The smartphone, the curse and delight of parents
The cell phone has unfortunately become a part of us, and it is difficult to detach kids from the phone which seems to have become an extension of their limb. But if you think about it, what is the first thing you do in the morning? And the last one in the evening? We don’t realize but we are all (all!) slaves to the telephone. To get your children off the phone, it’s not enough to just say enough (and as you also say, shouting is useless), we must first set an example and what’s more we should find something more interesting for them to do. And sometimes it’s difficult. Sometimes you succeed, sometimes it’s better to let it go.
Parents and rules
One way could be to establish some rules, few but which should be strictly maintained, for example at the table strictly without cell phones. And homework without a cell phone. For the rest you leave them free. This helps the kids to detach themselves and establish times with their cell phones (they will also realize that it is good for them, obviously they don’t do it voluntarily but if you help them by establishing times/places/moments without the phone they will feel the benefit in the long run too ), and this also gives you some breathing room as you have to demand that cell phones must be turned off at the table and during homework, but then you free yourself from anger and frustration for the rest of the day.
Have fun with your children
Also ask yourself when is the last time you did something fun together with your kids? Make yourself available to them. Ask them to choose what they would like to do. The only thing is, you have to do it together. Because children want to spend time with their parents, only it has to be on their terms. Whether watching a film together, taking the dog for a long walk (it’s good for you, your children, and also the dog), going to watch a match, going to visit an exhibition (find free opportunities together), a city, going to a concert, cooking together, playing a board game, reading the same book and commenting on it… there are so many ways to do things together (many that cost nothing), it’s important that it’s something they like. And don’t be discouraged by the first no’s, persist. In the end they will like it a lot too.
With these small and simple measures, I really hope you can find moments of happiness in your life.
Doctor Laura Peltonen.
Who is Doctor Laura Peltonen
«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s School of Humanistic Coachingone of the Italian pioneers of coaching, and a specialization from the same school in Teen & Parent Coaching”.
For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].
Read all the articles on Laura Peltonen’s adolescence here
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