And in that circumstance…does what we do have to do with what we want or with a dynamic or pattern of response to the other’s claim?
Asking ourselves this aims to become aware that many times with our answers we become someone we are not, someone that the other needs to strengthen their story.
In this case, it seems that the reaction has more to do with the other, with what that other needs or wants, than with ourselves.
In this type of situation it seems advisable to take the time to stop the conversation and give rise to some internal questions.
What I’m going to answer: Does it add up? Subtraction? Does it hurt? Do you build? What is the objective of my answer? Who is it addressed to? Every time I respond that way, do I feel stronger or weaker?
Maybe in this way, instead of doing what the other needs to do to continue with the story they have put together in their head, we can give ourselves time to think and ask ourselves what do we really want to do in the situation? The answer can not only surprise us, but it can produce a change in the way we relate to others.
For this it is convenient to look for another perspective to look at the same situation from another angle or at a greater distance as if we were zooming in.
These ways of responding could be called “patterns” or “maps” that are built over time and from the repetition of the same behavior for years. Establishing a new way of responding will take time and practice.
Sometimes in this practice, trying new ways, we return to old patterns and this discourages us, but it is a process, to the extent that we frequently exercise the new mechanism, it is possible to modify in the long run the one that harms us.
As an additional incentive, it is essential to consider that just as we learned behaviors by observing our family context, our children also learn in this way. Hence the importance of finding our own ways of responding and teaching them, that they are also free to search and find their own. There is no right way but the one that works, that makes us feel that we are being true to ourselves, instead of functional with what the other needs.
Thus, if our parents had a conflictive divorce, we can find a different way to resolve the grief of the marriage project. Neither better nor worse, but ours. In this way we gain independence, freedom, protagonism and authenticity.
Ana Laura Diaz
IG queries smart breaks, email [email protected]
by CEDOC
