Regret is precious. But we usually see that too late, says bestselling author Daniel Pink† When asked about what we regret, we too often respond with a convulsive denial. Regret? How so? I prefer to look ahead. Not smart, Pink thinks. Regret helps you identify what really matters and make better choices. How? He explains that in his book The Power of Regret†
Pink was once chief speechwriter for Al Gore, during his time as US vice president. Now every few years he picks up a social phenomenon, researches it and turns it into an accessible book. He did this with motivation, creativity and now with regret.
What is regret? According to psychologists is it an emotional response to remembering something from your past that you wish had gone differently.
Pink adds something to that. It’s about more than just making a mistake, he says. The following applies to regrets: you could make a free choice and decided to do something that you now look back on negatively. Regret as self-reproach.
Pink launched an online poll for this book, the World Regret Survey, to which more than 19,000 people from 105 countries have responded. Based on their answers, he distinguishes four types of regret.
1 | Basic regret: if only I had saved more money, taken better care of my body. You blame yourself for not taking the trouble to lay a good foundation for later.
2 | daring: if only I had started that company, asked that person out. Regret about opportunities you didn’t take.
3 | moral regret: If only I hadn’t stolen, I hadn’t cheated. Repent of ethically wrong choices.
4 | contact regret: If only I had let that friend or colleague hear from me. Regrets letting relationships dwindle.
If you know what you regret, you can make better choices from now on, Pink argues. How?
By examining your regrets. It works like this: make a list of choices that you look back on negatively; write down what you can learn from each misstep, error or misdeed; and then write down for each point what you are going to do with it. A modern confession, you might say, where we learn from our sins.
Also relevant: how do you avoid regret? Pink has two pieces of advice for this. The first is: distance yourself. Imagine that you are five years older, how do you look back on the decision you are about to make? The second: When making difficult decisions, ask yourself what advice you would give your best friend in this situation.
The most important intention that Pink takes with him from his research is to always keep in touch. While working on this book, he was struck by the regret that many people experience over the poor maintenance of their relationships.
Last lesson? Don’t delay thinking about what you regret. Pink said he couldn’t have written this book in his thirties. But now, in his fifties, he has a lot to look back on and – hopefully – there is also some time to do something with all the lessons.
Ben Tiggelaar writes weekly about personal leadership, work and management.
A version of this article also appeared in the newspaper of April 30, 2022