NoIn Italy with its record birth rate, giving birth to a child is already a challenge. Yet, once the first is born into the world, many couples ask themselves: to give them a brother or sister or not? Some dreamed of a large family and have no doubts, others change their minds. Still others choose to start over to “not leave alone” the first child. Or, even, because after the male they want a female, or vice versa. Between social pressure and inappropriate questions (“When are you doing the second one?”) and the awareness of the financial and logistical effort of raising more than one child, the question remains open for many families. Between the so-called only child syndrome, according to which he would be spoiled, selfish and lonely, and the cliché of sibling rivalrylet’s try to examine pros and cons of the various choices. Starting from a recent study: according to research from Ohio State University teenagers living in large families show poorer mental health compared to those who live with a smaller number of brothers and sisters.
One brother or more? The only child lives better: studying
The study yielded similar results in both the United States and China, where the average young person has nearly 0.7 fewer siblings than the average young American (0.89 compared to 1.6). So, under China’s old one-child policy, about a third of Chinese children have no siblings (34%) compared to only 12.6% of U.S. children. But the results are consistent and therefore surprising.
The resource dilution model
According to Douglas B. Downey, author of the study, the explanation is simple, and lies in the so-called “dilution of resources”. Assuming that the resources, economic but not only, of parents are limited, it is clear that, as the number of children in the family increases, those allocated to each child necessarily decrease. Siblings compete for their parents’ time, energy, and financial resources, so the fewer the better. Even one brother is too many. And that would be the most promising explanation for why children with no or only one sibling score higher on cognitive ability tests than children who grow up in large families.
Not by chance siblings who are a year or so apart in age showed the strongest negative association for mental health. Because they compete for the same types of resources. By introducing the socioeconomic variable, things change a bit. In wealthy families, that is, the negative effect of having a sibling diminishes. But not enough to question the resource dilution theory.
Having siblings makes you altruistic and improves social relationships
It is true that there is a lot of research of the opposite direction, on how good it is to have a brother. For example, according to one study five-year program conducted by academics at the University of Cambridge entitled “Toddlers Up”, siblings, and even sibling rivalry, can have a positive effect on development and children’s behavior and their ability to form social relationships in life.
Another research conducted on 57 thousand people in 28 different countriesnotes that being born into a large family it even decreases the risk of to divorcebecause you learn more tolerance. According to another study conducted byBrigham Young Universityin Utah (USA), analyzing the relationships between siblings in more than 300 families, those who have a good relationship with their siblings already as teenagers demonstrate more altruistic and generous in all relationships.
Only child syndrome
If the theses regarding having siblings are controversial, even one has been identified regarding those who don’t have any only child syndrome. Theory based on late nineteenth-century studies by psychologists and pedagogists G. Stanley Hall and E. W. Bohannon according to which, Pampered and indulged by their parents, children without siblings become hypersensitive and narcissistic adults. Hall himself characterized his status as an only child as a kind of illness. Much subsequent research refuted this thesis which nevertheless remained rooted in popular sensibility.
Disadvantages of an only child
The truth is that, as a psychotherapist reminds us Anna Oliveiro Ferraris in her book Brothers, twins, only childrenUppa, 2020, the differences between growing up with or without siblings result in stereotypes to which a universal value is attributed. Not considering the amount of variables that can intervene along the way.
Among the disadvantages of being an only child would be, for example, a tendency towards selfishness. Or rather, explains Oliveiro Ferrari, ategocentrism. But a child who doesn’t have a brother is naturally self-centered because he’s not used to competing with anyone else to get what he wants. And yet, encouraging other children to hang out with each other is an excellent antidote.
Another risk that only children run is being dependent on their parents and do not feel the desire for autonomy (see the entry Tanguy, 2001, the French comedy about the “big boy” who, at the age of 28, doesn’t leave his mum and dad’s house).
Father and mother of an only child can also invest excessively on him, putting excessive pressure on him.
Or the only child may end up being treated like a miniature adult. It’s understandable: neither he nor his parents have reference models and terms of comparison.
The risk of spoiling him? There is. But the therapist’s suggestion, to avoid excesses, is to often imagine being parents of a large family. How would we behave?
Advantages of an only child
But the pros are different too. Only children tend to be more serene and relaxed with teachers and classmates and less worried about being victims of preferences and injustices. They can appear wiser and more settledhave better language skillsbe less shy with “grown-ups” (because they spend more time with adults).
An only child it costs less, both in terms of money and time: allows you to do more and live the life you want sooner. Having only one child at home obviously makes it easier to balance parenthood and a professional career. But also going back to having an acceptable intimate relationship with your partner.
Put another way: two or three children transform the lifestyle much more than one. To the point that having an only child is an acceptable compromise that allows you to be parents without upsetting your existence.
Another advantage? There is no risk of incurring accusations of favoritism.
“Triangle” families, pros and cons
The so-called “triangle” families in general they demonstrate a very high cohesion and have many positive sides. The downside is that the child, closely tied to his parents without a counterweight, you can find yourself witnessing the conflict between themcharged with the role of judge or peacemaker, without having the support of his equal.
The ideal age distance for a good brotherhood
A question that often arises is whether they exist ideal age ranges between siblings. Obviously, when the distance is short, jealousy is more likely. The positive side is having a playmate who is always available. When the interval is greater, the bigger one can become a reference figure for the little one. But it may also happen that a strong bond is not created.
The therapist’s invitation is to reflect on fluidity and unpredictability of the relationship between siblings. Which can be highly accessible, that is, at the origin of an intense bond. Or low access. If on the one hand there are the conditions for the formation of a strong emotional bond that can last a lifetime, on the other a series of different factors, favorable or unfavorable, can give rise to very different brotherhoods. Some desirable, some less so.
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