bhello Doctor, I’m a mother of two girls, 12 and 16 years old. Maybe my problem is a bit silly, but while we get along quite well during the year, with ups and downs without major problems (fingers crossed), summer always becomes a nightmare for me. Having the girls at home all day becomes a stress for me as I work outside full time. The girls they sleep practically all daythey don’t do their summer homework, in the evening when I come home they are nervous, they argue both with each other and with us parents.
Then after dinner the older one goes out and is always there discuss the return times, and the little one first spends hours on the phone and then watching TV until late at night. The weekends ditto, I can’t get her to do her homework and in the end the weekends go by without us going anywhere precisely because I say that if she doesn’t do her homework, she doesn’t go out. And on Monday I go back to work more tired and more nervous than before. Help me figure out where I’m wrong!
Rita
Laura Peltonen’s answer
Dear Rita,
having the kids at home on vacation in the summer is certainly a challenge, it’s no small problem and you’re not alone in being in trouble. Managing children’s day can create tension and stress, both for those who are at home with them and for those who work outside the home. Since it’s about anyway vacation for kids, it is definitely useful let him enjoy his free time, letting them sleep more (let’s remember that adolescents need to sleep, and given that it is difficult to fall asleep early in the evening in the developmental age, it would be desirable that they could sleep in the morning).
On vacation let them rest
Obviously putting limits on them to ensure they don’t sleep all day until late afternoon, completely messing up the schedules, even if you’re on vacation. Could be It is useful to establish a good wake-up time together to avoid feelings of frustration from us parents that they sleep all day, and anger from teenagers if they can’t recover energy through enough hours of good sleep.
Don’t bother them with homework
Certainly there is homework to be done but it is very important that they can also enjoy the days without homework, since it is a holiday. A small dose of freedom e absence of duties it is right that they have it. Here too, Rita, it could be useful establish together the days and times for homework, in any case leaving the girls autonomous in managing their own tasks, especially the older one. Maybe just asking for an update every now and then, asking her if the roadmap is right, if she’s progressing.
Let’s establish rules together even on vacation
More us we make teenagers independent and autonomous in managing their own life (gradually based on age) the more they feel responsible for their own results and the more willingly they act. The tape “Do your homework, do your homework” or “You did your homework, tell me what you did, show me, tell me the story, show me the math problems, what you studied in English…etc etc” just does the reverse effect. When questioned, they fear being judged and get nervous making us angry. And part the vicious circle. If, on the other hand, we show trust in them, in their ability to do the tasks assigned to them, they will feel more responsible.
Sharing small chores
Generally, dear Rita, it could be helpful to involve your girls in planning for the week. Ask them to make the list of things to eat and if possible send them shopping. Maybe together, so the older one can be of help to the younger one, she will feel responsible for her, and she will in turn inspire the younger one. This may also help them fight less. Even if it is absolutely physiological for brothers/sisters to quarrel. Ask them to do chores around the house, involve them in cleaning, laundry. Divide the weekly tasks, once the bathroom cleans the big one, the next time the little one, etc. They may not be enthusiastic at first, but over time they will become proud of themselves and feel useful by being able to do their part while you and your husband are away at work.
Involve them in the family organization
It’s a great satisfaction both for you and for them when you come home from work and find the dishwasher emptied and the table set! Summer is a good time to involve teenagers in household chores, to also help them become more responsible. Not necessarily with the usual sentence “this house is not a hotel” and that’s it, but together making a list of jobs to be done in shifts.
A communication exercise
There is a good practice to increase communication with teenagers that I would propose to you for dinner: each of you (parents included) take turns telling one good thing and one bad thing about their day. This allows the girls to share both the good things they are experiencing and their fears and problems, in a protected environment. It also helps to better manage any conflicts in the family. Obviously there must be the absence of judgment and the real willingness on the part of you parents to listen to them.
The return time in the evening even on vacation
For the return time of the big one in the evening you should be rigid, a timetable is established together (arriving at a good compromise between your request and her desire) and it is expected that she respects it. Otherwise she won’t go out the next night. In the same way, it is necessary to give specific times for the little girl, both for the telephone and for bedtime (it is not clear to me what she does on the telephone, if she talks to friends or if she is on social networks, if the latter it still seems too small to me and should absolutely be flanked/controlled if not limited). Maybe I would suggest things to do together rather than leaving her alone with the phone and/or TV. You could watch a series or a movie together, play some board games, paint, listen to music she likes and maybe even sing/dance. Or have her choose a book to read which she will then tell you about.
Holidays and free time: the proposals also from them
For your free time on the weekends, ask her to contribute ideas, places to go, things to do. Leave them free from homework for the weekend, so you’ll be more relaxed too and you can enjoy your weekend with them, going to places or doing things they like. This also applies to the holiday destination, let them suggest where to go on holiday. If they propose goals that are unattainable for example due to limited economic resources, it will be a good opportunity to talk to them about your financial resources, the sacrifices that must be made, the importance of planning and setting aside money, but also the importance of dream and find ways to make your dreams come true.
Free time for you
As a last suggestion, I propose that you create some exclusive time for yourself. It doesn’t necessarily mean going out in the evening, even if an aperitif with friends after work could be perfectly fine (leaving the girls at home with their father, a good opportunity to strengthen the father-daughter relationship), but it is enough to remember to dedicate small moments of pleasure throughout the day to recharge your batteries. It could be a good breakfast in “holy” peace, an early morning swim, reading a good book in the evening, half an hour of meditation or yoga/streching/qigong/pilates… It’s important that it’s something you like and that it gives you feelings of well-being and positive emotions to counteract daily stress.
Dear Rita, I hope I have been helpful to you, I wish you and your beautiful family a happy summer!
Dr. Laura Peltonen.
Who is Dr. Laura Peltonen
«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s Humanistic Coaching Schoolone of the Italian pioneers of coaching, and a specialization always from the same school in Teen & Parent Coaching».
For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].
Read all the articles about Laura Peltonen’s adolescence here
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