Cplow Esther,
My name is P., male over forty, I have been following your column on Iodonna for a long time with pleasure. Specifically, I appreciate your way of thinking: dry, a little disillusioned, but which has not lost empathy, because it is clear that it has been marked by some disappointment.
I had one recently, in the emotional field, which unfortunately is spreading like a metastasis in other areas too. Short summary: after two years of a relationship that in my opinion was intense and engaging, but with the necessary paraculacy (on her part) that there are no labels, I finally understand the possible drift and I tell her: continue like this, we both know it will end badly, we have to choose between being together with a minimum of planning or breaking up. She writes to me the next day that she needs to take some time to understand what she wants.
Needless to say, what needed to be understood was understood with classic oblivion, certifying an easy and cowardly exit on his part: the story is thus over.
Am I an alleged PAQ or a Nino Sarratore?
A story where you wonder WHAT went wrong. And she hurt me. Who but a PAQ is there wondering why?
I reacted practically immediately, doing what they say you should do: going out, taking courses, playing sports. 3 months in which I don’t think I spent an evening at home.
And for some reason I met two women.
And, for some reason, they both liked me.
And now, without wanting it too much, I have two relationships that started at the same time, with smiles and beautiful things, but which make me feel terribly guilty. I feel dead inside, I don’t think I have the energy or will. Just need to close a gap, how is it possible that they chose me in these conditions?
A Nino Sarratore? Maybe, but with performance anxiety and nocturnal awakenings.
The fact is that I’m under a train.
Do you happen to hold workshops on concrete love? I would definitely need it.
P.
Ester Viola’s response
Dear P.,
But what workshop, you’re already getting a specialization in the art of getting by, coming out semi-clean and capitalizing on the negative experience to the detriment of the next one. Identification with the aggressor: after too many slaps, the victim learns to give them. You understood that being bad is difficult, but it pays.
A brief review of definitions.
Review of the supplies of alternatives we have when it comes to love. In the exorbitant number of: two.
Not just Nino Sarratore
1) The Great Most Sexual Love. GAS is very suitable in high school, not recommended during university, a disaster after the age of thirty. It always happens and never ends well, without exceptions, he seems guided by a systemic statistic.
The reasons for the couple’s intensity? It’s intuitive, it’s the imbalances. In GAS it’s always like this: one more, one less. The very strong feelings, those capable of making you feel alive at maximum power, explained in brief are this: there is a person (you), inside a great story, who takes blows at will. Five minutes of respite follows, and it seems like who knows. When the good is little it seems even better, you know. In fact, no one really asks you to stay, no one dies if you leave. It is great love if the other can do without you.
The PAQ
2) The Little Quiet Love. The PAQ is not for the faint of heart. “Those with good heads practically bore you to death, and those who enchant you you later discover that they are crazy,” writes Philip Roth. We need to resist resist resist. If years later you’re still dying of boredom, the important part of the whole thing isn’t that you’re dying of boredom, it’s that you’re still there.
Nothing that hasn’t already been seen, P. We get the feeling of guilt every now and then (who knows, maybe I might be less focused on myself one day), then it passes. We are too weak to be sincere altruists. The style of the more or less respectable person will be: if I get what I want, there is hope of pleasing those around me too. Things are going well for me, they will go well for everyone too. Tragic concept of morality, but we have to deal with it.
Now: How much time do you want to waste peeping about your imaginary process?
If the question was: “Could I be better than this?”, the answer is: “yes”.
If the question was: “why does this happen?”, the answer is: “does knowing it change anything?”
If the question was: “Does realizing the unworthiness of everything make me at least a little forgivable?”, the answer is: “It would be too easy.”
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