The desire to be a mother and that it does not happen spontaneously, carries with it an impact, an emotional shock. Perhaps, that impact could be the first of several that appear as the decision is made to move forward on that path. That will depend on each person’s unique story.
The search for a child can lead to unusual, unexpected and unknown places. Many times as the treatment progresses, paths begin to close and others open. And on some occasions the word “egg donation” appears and when that word comes many women accept it and many feel a lot of pain.
Egg donation consists of accessing eggs from another woman, a donor, and not using your own. Donors are young women, generally between 20 and 35 years old, who must pass a clinical and psychological evaluation process in order to donate to an assisted reproduction clinic or an egg bank.
It is currently an option for many women who cannot conceive with their gametes. It is usually recommended for women:
- with advanced age
- with decreased ovarian reserve
- carrier of a family or own history with a genetic condition
- with poor oocyte quality
- repeated failed attempts
- poor response to ovarian stimulation
- etc.
Achieving motherhood through egg donation is becoming more and more frequent due to the fact that this project is currently being delayed more and more, for various reasons, and the biological clock is present in women and the quality of the ovules goes decreasing as chronological age advances. If a woman wishes to be able to conceive, egg donation may appear as an opportunity.
Accepting egg donation is not always easy and often requires a process that goes from denial and rejection to acceptance. In a society where the first thing that is usually done when seeing a baby is to look for the physical resemblance to a parent “has the eyes of the father” “is the same as the mother” the concern of patients is frequent, who usually refer comments such as “it will not look like me” “it will have nothing of mine”. Not all children have physical resemblances to their parents, nor sharing the same genetic load is a guarantee of avoiding risks, diseases, or problems.
It will be necessary to be able to talk about this a thousand times and go through the process that it entails and make room for genetic mourning. The child will not carry the same genetic load as the mother, but epigenetics will come into play. The eyes may be different but the look, the tone of voice, the gestures, the way of speaking, are acquired, not hereditary. Neither education, values, parenting style is in the genes.
That emotional shock is usually accompanied by varied emotions, such as anxiety, worry, restlessness, confusion, fear, sadness, an emotional roller coaster. It will be necessary to be able to give space to the emotions that appear, even if they are not pleasant, since they have a meaning and to face the situations that appear in the best possible way.
Deciding to accept going through this path is deciding to make contact with vulnerability. Once again there is no control, there is uncertainty, fear.
It is possible that accepting egg donation takes time, and along with the treatments it increases anxiety and anguish. Isolating yourself and living alone is common but it doesn’t help. It is important to allow yourself to go through the process that does not always end in acceptance. Those who manage to accept egg donation say that what matters most to them is their desire to be mothers, regardless of their genetic makeup. Others manage to see it as an opportunity and not as a loss.
To be able to see it this way, it is important to be able to see that one part, genetics, is renounced in order not to renounce the whole, the possibility of being mothers.
To go through genetic mourning, there are professional psychologists specialized in fertility who can be used if necessary.
Lic. Cecilia Lukaszewicz and Lic. Patricia Méndez Torterolo
www.bienestarenfertilidad.com.ar
@welfareinfertility
[email protected]
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