By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
It is an extremely difficult topic that sex counselor Jana Förster has to address in her new column. A reader wrote that his wife would blackmail him with sex deprivation. The BZ expert knows how to report that this is not an isolated case and what consequences it has for the relationship!
The reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes: “My wife and I have been married for 27 years and have two children. I’m in my mid-60s and my wife is ten years younger than me.
My wife and I haven’t had any sexual contact for a long time. When I brought this up, she said we need to talk first. Which we then did. She gave me a few points in which she was dissatisfied.
When I corrected what I felt were appropriate criticisms, it did not lead to a return to intimacy and sex between us. When I asked her about it again, the saying came back: We have to talk first.
I have told her several times that I will not allow myself to be blackmailed and that the allegations have been dismissed. But it remains with the pronounced sex withdrawal.
What am I supposed to do now?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “They report on a common tool of power in relationships – deprivation of sex. This is used as a means of pressure and at the same time a control instrument to express power and superiority, to manipulatively accommodate one’s own wishes and needs in the partnership.
This can be an indication that your partner either sees no other way of getting in touch with you and exchanging ideas and expressing her displeasure. Or you can’t find any other form of communication to express yourself.
In my practice, I have often experienced that unspoken anger towards the partner is behind the withdrawal from sex. If old conflicts and injuries are not processed and discussed, they become full-fledged dissatisfaction, which burns further and deeper into the partnership like a smoldering fire.
At this point, couples therapy can be a valuable opportunity to get back into the conversation in a moderated manner and to address and resolve these old or perhaps current conflicts.
At this point, I would like to invite you to reflect on whether you were both able to establish a good culture of conversation within your relationship. If this is not the case, you, dear reader, could go to court with yourself as to whether this is perhaps also an issue for which you are also responsible in this regard.
Let’s take a closer look at the effects and consequences of sex deprivation in a relationship.
Confidence suffers
Anyone who repeatedly experiences rejection by their own partner on a physical level also feels this very emotionally. Sexuality is a basic need of every human being, and when this repeatedly meets with rejection, there is enormous suffering. Not only does self-confidence disappear, but also our inner balance.
After just a few weeks, we no longer feel comfortable in our bodies. After a few months, the feeling of satisfaction in the relationship drops rapidly. We no longer feel valued, our needs are not respected and we run the risk of becoming emotionally dependent on our partner.
Because this clearly demonstrates the power over one’s own well-being with the withdrawal of sex. From this moment at the latest, the relationship is no longer at eye level.
There is a breach of trust
If sex withdrawal takes place as an instrument of power, this is often perceived by the partner concerned as a breach of trust. Because the intense desire for intimacy and sexuality is used as a weapon against him, trust is shaken by this behavior. It is important for those affected to communicate this as well.
Emotional distance and withdrawal follow
If this type of abuse takes place over many months or years, many of those affected see a separation as the only way out, if they are not already caught in an emotional dependency. The person concerned wants to free themselves from the constant change from the desire for intimacy and rejection.
The emotional connection and feelings of love decrease so that there is no way out of this situation, other than a separation.
The fact is: conflicts should always be addressed in an honest, open and considerate manner. This is the only way to find solutions that do justice to both partners on an equal footing within a relationship.
At the end of your question you wrote what you can still do. I can only urge you to address the conflicts behind this sex deprivation with your partner. This is the only way to break out of this vicious circle.”
Send your questions to the expert!
Is there a crisis in your relationship and you don’t know why? Isn’t bed like it used to be? Do you have an erotic fantasy, but don’t know how to talk to your partner about it or live it out with her?
You can ask your questions in the BZ series “Frau Förster’s Question Time” – completely anonymously, of course.
Our expert Jana Förster, who has been working as a sex counselor since 2016, takes on the problems and answers them in her weekly online column.
Send your questions by e-mail to [email protected] or by post to: Question Hours, Redaktion BZ, Axel-Springer-Straße 65, 10888 Berlin.