“My 14-year-old son is terribly rude and I don’t know what to do with it,” writes Natasha. For example, he doesn’t look at people when they talk to him. I also hear that from his mentor at school. Even if family members ask him questions with interest, they only get a yes or no, if he says something at all. We also hear from school that he is unkind to classmates and antagonizes teachers.”
“The stupid thing is that I quite often find him very sweet at home, the way I thought I raised him. Yet it feels like I can’t control that anymore once he’s in contact with others. When I try to encourage him to be nicer, he reacts crossly. So I really don’t know how to make him less cheeky, and I don’t know where it comes from.”
disinterest
Child coach Charlotte Borggreve says that a ‘healthy’ dose of disinterest is part and parcel of this adolescent age. “Many adolescents are mainly busy with themselves and when visiting family they only leave their room for a while to shake hands and then disappear upstairs as quickly as possible. They are simply not that interested in others.”
“You can discuss family visits with your child in advance. Explain that visitors are coming and that you would like the family to get to know him as you know him. Tell him that you like him and suggest things to talk about, for example. Think of a shared hobby with his uncle, or suggest he can watch a football game with a cousin. As a parent, it is best to encourage such contact.”
Find cause
The behavior that Natasja’s son exhibits at school is something different, continues Borggreve. “It becomes a bit more serious when there are complaints from teachers. Then it’s time to have a good conversation about your child’s behavior, to find out what’s going on. It may be that things are not going well at school, that he is not feeling well or that there is something wrong with his friends. It’s important to find that out.”
no sermon
“Be careful not to preach or accuse him of anything, and he will immediately get on the defensive. Ask open questions and be genuinely interested. It helps to first name some of his qualities. ‘I think you are a social child, I see that you like to help others and you are often cheerful. What prevents you from showing those qualities at school?’ Explain that you think it is a shame that schoolmates and teachers do not get to know him in the same way that you do.”
“In this way you can show him that he achieves more with different behaviour. Maybe he can talk to his mentor if he’s having a hard time. Or maybe there are friends he can talk to. Try to make him see that it can work to his advantage if he gets teachers to like him a bit more.”
Teaching standards
Borggreve warns that you cannot impose all your standards of behavior on a child of this age. “And besides: can we as adults say of ourselves that we are constantly looking at each other? When I’m having a complicated conversation, I also look around a bit. The same can be said for a child who is having a difficult conversation with a teacher, so remember that behavior doesn’t always stem from cross-mindedness. Of course you can explain that it seems more interested if he sits up a bit more upright in his chair and tries to look at a teacher every now and then as a courtesy.”
Finally, Borggreve explains that it is never effective to correct your child in front of others. “It will only make him feel more insecure. If you want to explain something to him, or ask him questions, do it in a quiet moment when you are alone with him. So don’t track your child either and public to thank or look at a family member when they are being talked to. That is not the time.”