By Anja Opitz
Stephanie Neumann had breast cancer, and metastases have now been found. In the BZ, she and her husband Eric Johnston talk about the difficult path they are walking together.
February 9, 2018 changed her life forever. On that day, Stephanie Neumann (48) was diagnosed with breast cancer – and she and her partner Eric Johnston (52), who had only met two years earlier, were suddenly torn from their everyday lives. Because cancer affects not only the patient, but also their relatives.
BZ: Eric, how do you remember the beginning of your cancer odyssey?
Erik Johnston: We knew there was something in the chest. But I was optimistic, that’s my personality: I always assume that everything will be fine. Until it’s bad.
Stephanie Neumann: One of your best qualities!
What did you think and feel when you heard the diagnosis?
Eric: Of course I was shocked and sad. But I was immediately in operational mode: now we have to get started, now we have things to do.
Stephanie: Back then I didn’t understand this surgical mode, today I think it’s great. Eric always says: That’s the problem, medicine offers that solution, let’s go.
So you weren’t scared, Eric?
Eric: I knew, of course, that cancer is a serious disease. But I always had a good feeling, because Stephanie is very healthy and there is good therapy.
were you scared stephanie Before dying?
Stephanie: Not the first time. When my doctor said I had a chance of between 80 and 90 percent, I said: no, that’s 100. I do everything well, and then it’s fine. I only really became aware of the risk later.
Stephanie Neumann defeated breast cancer, now she has to fight metastases Photo: Charles Yunck
How did your life change then?
Stephanie: I moved in with Eric and his three daughters. I could not have taken care of myself during therapy.
Three kids, a new partner and cancer in the house – how did you manage Eric?
Eric: The girls were 12, 16 and 17 at the time, thankfully not little kids anymore. And they are great, world class! But it was difficult for her, there was a lot of tension. Because of her father’s new partner, the amount of attention Stephanie needed, which made them have less.
How did that make you feel?
Eric: It was hard having everyone under one roof: us as a couple, me as a father of three, cancer as a roommate. I sat between the chairs. Was pulled in all directions.
How did you stand it?
Eric: When I noticed that I couldn’t do it anymore, I took a break. Met up with friends, talked about everything, let everything out. That was extremely important.
Most loved ones think they can’t be weak…
Eric: Yes, I had that feeling too. I always had to be strong. That was sometimes difficult.
Did you ever think: It’s too much, I’m giving up the relationship?
Eric: No, never. We love each other and we can do it together, that was always clear.
Stephanie has changed physically as a result of the chemo. How did you feel?
Eric: I didn’t care about the hair loss.
Stephanie: We even shaved our hair together the night before.
Eric: Yes, and you can do that without cancer, it doesn’t mean anything.
And the breast removal? It was extremely bad for Stephanie.
Eric: Not for me. The implant makes Stephanie look almost the same as before. It has changed a bit, but that also happens over the years, almost every partner looks different. Sometimes much stronger than cancer.
Eric says: “We love each other and we can do this together, that was always clear” Photo: Charles Yunck
Could you show yourself to Eric in all your pain and scars, Stephanie?
Stephanie: Yes. We always discussed everything and were very close as a result. That was the most important thing for me: we could always talk about everything – and that almost always helped.
What else did Eric help you with?
Stephanie: He never tires of saying: Everything will be fine. I have to hear that very often. It was also crucial that at some point he said: We can’t do it alone anymore, we’ll call your parents.
How did you get the couple feeling?
Stephanie: By taking a break from cancer every now and then and consciously creating beautiful moments, for example by going to the Baltic Sea.
After a year, the therapy was over, the cancer gone – and then?
Eric: I just wanted to put the topic of cancer away. But he continued to be present every day because Stephanie had changed.
Stephanie: I’ve been living healthier since then, for example I don’t drink alcohol anymore. And I reoriented myself professionally, wanted to help other cancer patients with the Happie Haus app. That alone kept cancer an issue, and that was often difficult for Eric.
Eric: Before cancer, our life was easy, we were spontaneous, we enjoyed a lot. That lightness has not returned. I understand that, but I think it’s a shame.
Metastases were found on you earlier this year, Stephanie. How did you cope?
Stephanie: It was awful. After the diagnosis, we met the girls and went out to eat together. We wanted to make something beautiful out of all that crap.
Were you scared this time, Eric?
Eric: Oh yes, this time it is. I remember we all cried while eating.
What is the therapy like this time?
Stephanie: My metastases are mostly estrogen dependent. I don’t get chemo but a systemic therapy consisting of pills and injections that inhibits the production of estrogen and its signaling to the cells. As a result, the food for the metastases is effectively turned off.
What’s the prognosis?
Stephanie: You can live with bone metastases. Judging by the last CT, the growth appears to have stopped. The doctors are careful. But I say for myself: My bones will take care of it, the metastases will go away, period.
What are you saying Eric?
Eric: I’m a big fan of math, I’ve been into statistics all my life. Now I think: It’s “either or” and you have to think: I choose the positive outcome, like Stephanie, live the hope.
How has cancer changed you?
Eric: I’ve become more courageous. I no longer think: what will I do when I’m 70? I think: What am I going to do tomorrow, next week?
Stephanie and her husband Eric Photo: Charles Yunck
You’re getting married on Saturday – the best sign of a future together!
Stephanie: Yes! Last year we got married in a small circle, now the really big party with wedding rings, cake and all friends is coming.
Did you still believe in it at the beginning of the year?
Stephanie: For a while, the wedding was on the brink because I didn’t know if I could physically do it. But now I know: I can do it, I want it, I’m looking forward to it. No matter what comes next. Our life doesn’t get any better if I think every day: Oh God, maybe I’m dying.
What helps relatives of cancer patients
500,000 people in Germany are diagnosed with cancer every year. Their relatives usually suffer in silence: “They have great fears and worries, but want to be strong for the sick person and put their needs aside,” says Dr. Adak Pirmorady-Sehouli (43), specialist in psychosomatic medicine and psychotherapy at the Charité. The opposite is important: “Relatives have to take care of themselves so that they don’t collapse under the extreme stress.”
Find out more about the disease and its treatment from the cancer counseling service. This allows you to orientate yourself better.
► Divide the seemingly invincible mountain of Cancer into small hills: What is important now and what is three months from now? You don’t have to think about that just yet.
► Keep small free spaces! Go to the gym, go to the movies, meet friends, go for walks or gardening – anything that helps you recharge.
► Talk to the patient about your fears and worries – silence usually makes them worse.
► Consult professional advisors. E.g. the employees of the Cancer Information Network, the free information and advice service of the German Cancer Aid (Monday to Friday from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. at ☎ 0800-80708877 or krebshilfe@infonetz-krebs.en).